Silent Heist
by notsosolemnly
Summary: ADVENT FANFIC. When celebrity pirate radio presenter is set to DJ at the Yule Disco, these grade 2 chaps have to device a cunning way to get in.
1. Chapter 1

SILENT HEIST

1 DECEMBER FRIDAY

How time dragged. Could it drag any worse? The small hand on the wall clock came to a full circle, the big hand shifted with a loud click. It was official. It was now four, and too late to be let off early. James fumbled with the transistor-crystal in his pocket, a mobile radio device in the shape of an amethyst pendulum on a chain.

Professor Jarmy Carkson, who taught Defense Against the Dork Arts, was very tall. He had curly grey hair and something of a stupid, flat face. Also, he used to present a show on television about the latest wand technology.

"My wand is so powerful," he said, strutting back and forth. "Whitebeam, Ultra-Pegasus Core, 50 centimeters. NAUGHT TO SIXTY! Brass knob and indents for gripping, and the really cool thing is that if you unscrew the knob you have a cup for your espresso, and a peep hole for your core health check."

He unscrewed the knob and peeped into the wand like it was a telescope. Then he put it back together, put it aside, opened an ornate snuff box and stuck some of that under his upper lip.

"Ultra-Pegasus core is the most powerful core. My wand is literally horsepowered. It runs on a billion horsepowers, to be precise. NAUGHT TO SIXTY! The modern nano-wand shell technology makes my wand so smooth and sporty, yet so robust that I could chuck it in the fiery pits of Mordor and it wouldn't get a scratch. My wand is more powerful than all your wands. My wand wins. Remember that, if you should ever have to face a Dark Wizard, that if you had just had my wand, you would have survived. Now I want you to copy this because this will be on the exam."

He picked up a chalk stick and wrote in large and clear letters on the blackboard: MY WAND WINS. And when he was finished, he didn't put down the chalk stick gently, he flicked it violently at the bottom frame so it boucned off and broke the clock. Not because he was angry, but simply because he was Jarmy Carkson.

James actually found him kind of cool, but wished that he would get the clocks horsepowered instead of broken. They were already SO LATE!

"For your homework," Professor Carkson said, at last (and those words were like an angelic choir for it always meant the end was nigh!), "I want you to have a competition with your friends about who has the most resistant wand. Ok now I really must dash, I have to pick up my flying Jaguar E-Type from the reparo man. Class dismissed."

Finally! There was nobody in here that hadn't guarded their books and pencil case for the past ten minutes, ready to take off as soon as they got the cue like an olympic runner. So with their arms full of classroom necessities, James, Sirius, Remus and Peter, joined the fleeing horde, abandoned it at the treshold and found the North Hall reasonably undisturbed. There they dumped their things at the foot of a crinkled lump of oxidised bronze, on top of which they squashed together, gathering around James's transistor-crystal. Getting it to sway in the correct rhytm was a delicate task.

" _Bzzzt! Bzzzt!"_

They were getting reception, and listened with jittery anticipation.

" _Bzzzt! Bzzzt! Yarrrr, ye landcrabs!"  
_ The chaps went: "YAARRR!" And then they went: "Shushush!"

" _That was Back Stabbers by the O'Jays, and before that we had Elton John with Rocket Man, yarrr! But I am back from the poop deck! It's where I go when I don't like something I hear, usually The Carpenters. Yarr, for I am Captain Meat-Hook and I only play what I like and what I don't like goes to the bottom of the ocean where it is devoured by sea monsters! I was a carpenter on this ship, the MS MY RUDDER, and I can tell you, a carpenter never has time for 'hanging around, nothing to do but frown.' There is always a leg that needs fixing somewhere. Therefore I deduce that The Carpenters are not carpenters, they are liars and what do we do to liars?"_

"KEELHAULING! SHUSHUSHUSH!"

" _Stay tune for when I keelhaul The Carpenters later."_

"Captain Meat-Hook is so cool!" said James. "He says pirate things!"  
"I know!" said Sirius. "Last week he called us angelfish!"

"Shushush!"

"Shushushushshush!"  
 _"Have you ever found yourself surrounded with seabirds and asked: Why do birds suddenly appear? BECAUSE YOU SMELL OF FISH! My treasures of the week will continue in a short while. I got some cracking songs coming up for ye mermaids! But now it's time for a letter! This week's letter comes from Hogwarts."_

James felt his heart pound like a giant's knocker on oak doors. Sirius's eyes grew wides as saucers.

"Maybe it's our letter!"

The chaps broke sweat they were so nervous and excited.

" _Here it is!_

 _Dear Captain Meat-Hook!_

 _We are grade 5 witches at Hogwarts and big fans of your show. We try to catch it every Friday, if we can. Now we would like to ask a favour of you. The Yule Disco is coming up on the 16th of December. Can you please come then and play music for us and do your show?_

 _Your biggest fans_

 _Donna, Gloria and Rhonda_

 _"Well, girls! I may be a ruthless pirate who loots and pillages, yarr! So I have some scary news! On the 16th of December I will crash the Yule Disco and loot and pillage and play some groovy songs! How do you like that, ye eels?! Yarr! My treasures of the week continues, here is Neil Young with Heart of Gold because it is about treasure!"_

James's spirit was immediately punctured for he and the chaps were mere grade 2 wizards and as such they were not invited to the Yule Disco. He kicked the crinkled lump of oxidised iron with the back of his foot.

"Ow! Man that sucks! Captain Meat-Hook is coming to Hogwarts and we don't even get to see him although we're his biggest fans!"  
"So unfair!" Sirius huffed. "Getting in is going to be really hard isn't it!"  
"Yeah! Getting in is going to be a little hard!"

It wasn't going to be easy. But they'd get in. But not without having to make some kind of effort.


	2. Chapter 2

SILENT HEIST

2 DECEMBER SATURDAY

The sun cast its bright glow through the massive windows in the staff wing and there wasn't a teacher in sight. The chaps, carrying their boots by their laces, tip-toed in a neat line, with James in the lead and Sirius close behind.

"I love the Golden Hour!" Sirius whispered.

"What is the Golden Hour?" Peter asked.

"The Golden Hour," said James, constantly looking between the doors they were sneaking past, "is on every Saturday morning at ten o'clock. "Nobody is here on the Golden Hour. Dumbledore is cleaning his birdcage."

"McGonagall is grooming her cats," said Sirius.

"Brussel Sprouts does all her repotting."

"Slug goes to the pub."

"And Jarmy Carkson goes for his morning drive."

"I think I heard a door!" Remus whispered.

They froze like gazelles and listened. Somebody was coming.

They fled inside the stationary cupboard and lay themselves flat on the floor, peering through the gap.

A pair of muddy wellies (bandname) rushed by. It was just Jarmy Carkson having forgotten his carkeys. He found them and the portrait guard was wishing him a safe drive in no time.

The staff chamber was only across the hall. This was the Golden Hour. The Golden Hour was safe. That was the very point of the Golden Hour. Therefore the chaps let themselves out of the stationary cupboard and entered the staff chamber.

The forbiddenness of their presence made them euphoric and giddy. James and Sirius went straight for the sofa group and began to test their springs. Peter wanted to join also. Remus saw an opportunity to catch up with some school work.

"You know something?" Sirius asked.

"What?" James replied.

"I actually think Captain Meat-Hook is kind of lame."

"Yeah me too!"

Squeak. Squeak. Squeak.

"His show used to be for older kids!"

"I know! And he would say a lot worse swears! Watch out!" James lept from one sofa to the other. Sirius did the same and now they had switched sofas, something they continued doing.

"Everybody listens to the show now!" said Sirius, beginning to get out of breath. "It was more fun when it was just us."

"Now everyone's all: Did you hear Captain Meat-Hook is coming to the yule disco? Like who cares anyway!"

"I know right!"

"I think Captain Meat-Hook is lame!" said Peter.

They hopped off the sofas and next they wanted to see if there were any leftovers from yesterday's Friday Tea and Cake. They found some remaining baked goods in the kitchen corner. Sirius sniffed the interior of a tin pot with some left over coffee.

"Anybody else want some coffee? Or tea, there's also tea."  
"I'm good I found some milk!" said James, closing a fridge.

"That's good because this is grown-ups only! So Rem what can I get you? Come over here! We can do that later!"

So Remus came to the kitchen.

"So what do you say?" Sirius asked. "Do you want to share this coffee with me?"

"No. Never drink coffee that's been standing for a long time."

"I can make you some fresh coffee then, do you want that?"

"No thanks."

"Good because I wouldn't know how. Very well, I shall drink this myself."

And so he did, and when he had, his face wasn't praising the experience.

"The secret is to put milk in it!" said James, offering a milk bottle.

"I saw you put cottage cheese in that."

Sirius felt queezy now and when they found the cake stand he passed on all of it- even the jaffa cakes.

"What if I scrape off the chocolate for you?" said James. "Won't you even have a bakewell tart?"

"You're a bakewell tart."

"You're a bark well tart."

This was, as already mentioned, the Golden Hour, and the chaps wanted to be here for the full hour. They kept something of a checklist in their heads for things to do; item number 1: sofas, item number 2: cake and milk, item number 3: snoop in the owlholes, item 4: watch Spells & Curses on the tele-crystal-orb-vision (or telly). Item 5, if there was time, could be whatever their current whim dictated, such as spit in the yoghurt, chuck all the dishes in the loo, order a hundred pizzas, put mousetraps in the owlholes.

But just as they were going to snoop through the mail in the owlholes, something caught their attention, triggering their mild curiosity: a large cylindrical glass case with a domed top, empty, on a table by the window, where there usually was a busy lizzie or a geranium.

"I wonder what this is for," said James, only vaguely intrigued, mostly to break the lack of conversation.

"Maybe it's to function as a small greenhouse," Sirius thought.

"That could also be the display case for the gingerbread house," said Remus.

"They're getting a gingerbread house?"

"Dumbledore once said they always get a gingerbread house, one that is an exact miniature replica of Hogwarts."

"Wherefrom?"

"The Bread & Bakery."

A miniature replica of Hogwarts made from gingerbread, James and Sirius were already fantasising about some of the possible uses. By the next Golden Hour it would surely be standing under that glass case, such an impressive piece of craftmanship, full of delicate details, practically begging to be stuffed with mouse traps.

But the chaps needed not wait that long. Unfamiliar voices had each of them run under a sofa. Well Peter couldn't fit under there so he had to find another place to hide.

The bakers were here and they were quick, professional and gone in no time.

"Wow!" said James when he and the chaps were gawping over the gingerbread castle. "That really is an exact replica!"

A truly magnificent piece, it was every inch a true replica. Everything was spot on, the rough brick facade, the crookedness of some towers. The entire piece was seated on a hill made from cake dressed in royal icing and everything was dusted in generous amounts of icing sugar.

"Looks better in gingerbread," said Sirius, peering through the melted sugar windows. "There's little rooms!"  
"And the tower over here, that's our tower! And over here is where we are right now!"  
Without talking it over, James and Sirius lifted off the glass case and put it on the floor. They also found that the various floors hadn't been secured and thusly came off a treat. James got a birdseye view of the astronomy tower, praised the detail on the telescopes and put the roof back. He and Sirius even lifted the entire seventh floor to get a look at the sixth.

"We must be veeery careful with this!" said James when they were putting it back.

"Oh no I'm dropping it I'm dropping it!"

"Stop that you're making me drop it!"

The gingerbread castle was reassembled and the glass case placed on top of it, all without incidents.


	3. Chapter 3

SILENT HEIST

3 DECEMBER SUNDAY

The carriages to Hogsmead were leaving at eleven from the "beach". A pair of metaphorically giant prefects helped the travellers find available seats and accepted new permits.

James stood at the end of the line, squinting in the sunlight with eyes runny from the biting chill. So was Sirius and so was Peter. Remus still had a bit of catching up left, as well as some rescheduled quizzes to prepare for. Didn't stop Peter, 'though.

"I've always wanted to just buy a cake!" said James. "Even though there's no occasion. Not a piece of cake, an entire cake. Let's just buy a cake and bring it back and then eat it!"  
"Yeah I guess we could eat it," said Sirius.

"Well whatelse do you do with a cake?"

"I've always wanted to buy a cake and then put it on somebody's chair."

"That would be fun. But I kind of like eating cake. It would be such a waste of cake."  
A carriage rolled off and the line shuffled forward.

"What if," said Sirius, "We buy _two_ cakes?"

"It's still a waste of cake even if we buy a hundred cakes and eat 99 of them. We're still wasting one cake."

"So if we buy 101 cakes, it's not waste anymore?"

A group of six hopped in the next carriage and that put James and Sirius, and Peter, at the front. James took out his "permit".

"Here's my permit, my good sirs! Is it this way?"

He kept walking but the prefect oaf pulled him back by the hood on his snorkel parka.

"Nice try but this is clearly fake."

"How is it clearly a fake?"

"You'd like it if I gave away the tricks of the trade wouldn't you?"

"Well what would be the harm in that?" James asked, keen on debate. "I think we could all be better at sharing the tricks of the trade with aspiring learners."

"Then maybe you should go away and figure them out, and when you have you can share them with whomever you like. Until then, piss off."

He returned the "permit" and shoved James aside, counted the three next in line and let them through. Another carriage was rolling off when prefect oaf 2 rushed to stop it. Then he reached in, pulled Sirius out and dragged him to the end of the queue.

"Disobeying the rules can get you banned from future trips you know!"

"Phegh phnegh phnegh!" Sirius spat. "Why don't you take some points?!"

The carriage with the final load took off, and the prefect oafs walked briskly in the direction of Hogwarts, moaning about the lower grades lacking maturity and some upcoming exams.

James sighed heavily, for he had so looked forward to getting a cake and introduce a new tradition: Cake Sunday. Sirius wiped out some of the paw prints he had made in the snow, rallying about his passionate hatred for prefects. Peter said that his favourite cake was the victoria sandwich.


	4. Chapter 4

SILENT HEIST

4 DECEMBER MONDAY

Situated on top of the crinkled lump of oxidised iron in the North Hall, that the chaps had affectionately nicknamed Inga because a part at the foot of it bore some vage resemblance of a face, said chaps were currently waiting for charms class. James was untangling the chain on his transistor-crystal. The chain tended to get hopelessly tangled up.

"Maybe on the next Golden Hour," he said, "we could unstack all the floors and take pictures."

"Sure," said Sirius, "Or we could steal it, unstack all the floors, take pictures and then-"

"Eat it!"

"-put it on someone's chair."

"I thought we said we were going to finish each other's sentences!"

"Finish mine then!"

With some twenty minutes to kill, James finally managed to untangle the chain and tune in a channel with decent reception so they could listen to some of that current pop music. Currently _Crocodile Rock_ was all the rage!

Sirius shifted in discomfort where he sat.  
"Why couldn't they have just put a regular bench here? Why this?"

"My theory is that this was supposed to be a bench," said James, "but there was an accident in the manufacturing of it. I think that is probably where all art comes from."

"I like that. My theory is that it was put here to confuse the enemy in the case of a raid. You know how, if you put an obstacle in front of a line of ants, they will panic and start eating eachother?"

"That's voles you're thinking of."

Pop.

"If you put an obstacle in the middle of an ant path," said Remus, wiring a string of gum around his finger, "the ants will go around it."

"I know that," said Sirius. "I meant that,except the opposite."

"My theory is that this is part of the emergency network."

"Sorry what? What's your boyfriend been saying about this so called emergency network?"

"Don't call Dumbledore my 'boyfriend'!"

"Why not?"

"Because it makes you sound jealous."

"I'm so jealous I don't have an ancient boyfriend!"

"It's all in Hogwarts- A Horrible History. Remember when we all had to read it?"

"Yeah but nobody actually did because it's boring!"

"Oh."

"What does Hogwarts- A Horrible History say about this emergency network?" James asked.

Pop.

"What was it? I think it was installed by some baron in case of war, something like that. It's a network of hidden passages and chambers."

"And why is it your theory that Inga is part of this?"

"It was just as thought. The age is right, the location is good. It's easy to access without being too obvious. It's an important historical figure because this is actually Lady Brunhilda Grey, the baron's wife."

"Who is?"

"Inga here."

"Are you serious?"

"Lady Brunhilda Grey met her death in a freak smelting accident, when she fell in her own mold and became trapped in this. Instead of casting a new sculpture, the baron decided to keep it and put it here, because she is in it."

"Are you serious?"

"Look it's all in Hogwarts- A Horrible History!"

And horrible it was, too! Horrible and comical, just like horrible history of magic class with professor Rattus.

"It's a great read, I highly recommend it." Pop.

"I think I will wait for somebody to turn it into a novel series and then watch all the movies," said James.

Sirius hopped off Lady Brunhilda Grey and inspected it from all sides.

"So have you ever tested this theory out?"

"No," Remus replied, also getting off because those twenty minutes had nearly run out.

"And why not?"

"The emergency network isn't active now."

"And why not?"

"It was found out about, and no longer safe. It was deactivated, and instead the apparitional ban was installed. Some later headmasters thought it was a better way to keep enemies out."

"Well that sucks! That is so not a better way to keep enemies out!"

"Stupid idiot headmasters making me feel so unsafe!" James raged.

Six corridors were connected by the north hall and Flitwick stood at the mouth of one of them, loudly encouraging the chaps to get a move on.

The chaps gathered their books and pens from the floor.

"So what you are saying," said Sirius, "is that the emergency network is currently inactive?"

"Mhm."

"I don't suppose Hogwarts- A Horrible History says how it is activated?"

"No it doesn't."

"I thought so."

"Hogwarts- A Technical Manual might."


	5. Chapter 5

SILENT HEIST

5 DECEMBER TUESDAY

The Chamber of Arcane Rituals was located deep within the known dungeons. According to dungeon tradition, it was dark, damp and spacious. The chaps had to bring their own torches and set them to maxima.

Three steps led up to a circular platform at the center, on which three circles surrounded by three standing stones were inscribed, the smaller within the larger.

"Here we are!" said James and went on to have a look at all the runic symbols below him.

"Let's activate this baby and then we can play some wizard pinball! When does class start after lunch?"

"At 12:50!" said Peter. "And tomorrow, for lunch, we'll be having pork jelly!"

"Well it was nice knowing you..," Sirius mumbled derisively and felt a wand in his side, and it really took him by surprise. "What was that for!"

"I don't know what you mean," said Remus and leafed through Hogwarts- A Technical Manual.

"I was jesting!"

"So was I."

Well somebody was showing attitude! What moon was the phase currently in? Waxing Bitchy?

"Enough jesting now!" said James. "Let's activate this baby! Tell me, were there clues encoded in some sort of poetic verse?"

"There were," said Remus. "Shall I read it again?"

"Please do!"  
So he read it again, and after that, they all took a moment to quietly appreciate how beautifully phrased it was, and how cleverly it had weaved the clues in poetic riddles.

"I could never write anything like that!" said James.

"Me neither!"

"I suppose you have to be very clever to be able to decipher that!"

"Not really because, look, I think I already did..," Remus found a bit of scrap paper stuck between two pages. "I forgot I had written down the solution."

"Awesome! What is it?"

"Oh... And that was the problem..."

"Awesome! What is it?"

"There is a bit in the verse that means that only the blood of the headmasters may activate the emergency network."

"Is it the bit that says: Only the blood of the headmasters may activate the emergency network?"

"Yes."

That really was a problem.

"I suppose we better get some of Dumbledore's blood, then!" said James.

"Do you suggest we kill him?" Sirius asked.

"Of course I'm not!"

"Oh."

This needed a bit of pondering. James had seen Pomfrey take blood samples and it looked easy, he could so do it. He figured, since Dumbledore was so ancient, he probably needed regular health checks. If they could somehow convince him to let Pomfrey take a blood sample, and then STEAL that sample...

"Well I don't know about you guys," said Sirius. "But my granddad actually was the headmaster here before Dumbledore killed him."

"Dumbledore did not kill your granddad!"  
"How would you know, huh?"

"Dumbledore doesn't kill granddads!"

"Look, I'm not saying it might not have been in self-defense."

James's fantasy bubble, of him, dressed like a thief, descending from the roof in Pomfrey's examination room by a thread, snatching a vacutainer tube with some of Dumbledore's blood from a blood tube rocker, that bubble went pop.

"Well if we don't need actual headmasters," he said, ever so slightly disappointed, "I think I might also have a bit of headmaster in me as well."

He did a tour of the greater circle on the platform and counted three blood runes in total. So close! His fantasy bubble reopened, he saw his thief-self being trapped against a brickwall in blinding prison searchlights. " _Put Dumbledore's blood sample on the ground and your hands up!"_

"So Rem," said Sirius in the meantime, "I don't suppose you have a bit of headmaster in you as well?"

"No."

"Do you know that for a fact?"

"I don't know that for a fact."

"Well why not? Have you never been forced to memorise the big pedigree mural where you live?"

"There is no big pedigree mural where I live."

"There isn't? Then how are you supposed to know who your ancestors are in case something requires your blood identification?!"

"My what?"

"Ohh dear..."

Never had Sirius heard of such ignorance, but what could he expect from somebody who had spent the most of his life in an attic reading outdated coursebooks and blatant white art propaganda?

He composed himself, and remembered something.

"You know Fletcher? He's not the sort of chap I would expect be bragging about ancestors. He's always saying: Dumbledore is the best headmaster this place has seen since my great-great-great-great-great-great-great nan Miranda Calendula Jones. But what does he know..."

"Does he? Fletcher sometimes helps Brussel Sprouts grow Sample Cacti for Pomfrey, so I could probably get some of his blood easily. In fact I could probably just ask for a drop of it, he's not needle shy."

"Do you know what he calls you?"

"...By my name?"

"My cousin Rem! Isn't that sweet?"

Remus leafed in the manual some more.

"I suppose that is kind of sweet."

"You never mentioned that."

Shrug. "Never came up."

"I hope you're not ashamed of it! Fletcher, the epitome of cool!"

"Look, I like Fletcher. I think he's great. It's just that..."

"He doesn't take baths."

"Because of the surface tension, or bubble-related lack thereof. Do you want me to go now and get some of his blood? But it will take a little long, might be better to postpone the whole thing."

James came from behind and patted them on the back.

"So glad we can finally activate this baby!" he said and ushered them to a blood rune each. Then he placed himself on the final one.

"OK! Are we all ready?"

Peter stood on the side, looking left out.

"What about me? I might also have some headmaster in me."

"Then take my place, because I have to read the instructions anyway," said Remus.

James and Sirius shouted protest and would not let Remus move away from his rune.

"No!" said Sirius. "We want this to work, don't we? With as few screw-ups as possible, or we'll be here for _months!"_

"You have a very important job, Pete!" said James. "You have to watch the door! Watch the door and never not watch the door while we do the thing! This is crucial! Our success depends on how well you watch that door!"

"Oh ok!" said Peter, happy, and put all his concentration into watching the door. "I'm watching the door now guys!"  
And it required a lot of intense grunting. He even forgot to breath at times.

"Instructions, if you will," said Sirius.

Remus refreshed his memory with the manual, then shut it and put it down.

"Ok. See the triangle? That is called the Trilock. It is unlocked with something called the Tribeam. It is a kind of Trispell. It requires a Triwand, and you only get three tries."

That was easy enough to understand, and the words were _Trisyllabus Trichina._ The chaps rolled up their sleeves, took their wands from their ears and counted to three.

"On three, then?" James asked.

"No it's on four!" said Sirius.

"Oh, ok! Gotcha!"

One, two, three!

" _Trilobite Troglodyte!"_

 _"Trifle-y Treacle Tart!"_

 _"Triplicate Trampoline!"  
_ Saying the right magical words wasn't as easy as it seemed! But eventually. The chaps managed to get the correct words out, in sync, and created three beams- the Tribeam- that was to go in the Trilock.

It wasn't an easy task, and they screwed up the first two attempts. But third time was the charm. The Tribeam went in the Trilock, burst aflame, then died out, and something within the dungeon walls clicked. That was the sound of the emergency network being activated. The chaps were absolutely exhausted after that. Peter had to lie down.

"Alright," said James, after a quick rest. "Who's up for some wizard's pinball?"

They scrambled back up. It was likely that they'd be dozing off a lot for the rest of the day.


	6. Chapter 6

SILENT HEIST

6 DECEMBER WEDNESDAY

Because they were still experiencing some soreness in their magical muscles, the chaps postponed some of their mischief and after school they took it easy in one of the private study chambers in the library.

James and Sirius made themselves uncomfortable in armchairs across from eachother and began kicking a footback between them. James, slouched horisontally with the armrests under his neck and knee joints, kicked the footbag in the lamp and Sirius, upside down, did a strange somersault for some reason and fell of the table in the middle, taking a bunch of books with him.

"I'm ok," he said and crawled back up.

They picked up where they left off.

"Can you tell me something?" Sirius asked.

"What?"

"What exactly is a nerf ball and how do they work?"

"Yes."

"Awesome. So just to recap. Inga the Terrible, or Lady Grey, is potentially a secret passage in the emergency network because she bares some of the signs, namely her historical significance, the age of the thing and the location of it."

"Excellent recap."

"Thank you."

"I was getting so tired of measuring all the rooms with that tapeworm!"

"I till have the tapeworm," said Peter.

"So was I," said Sirius. A smile broke through that haughty face. "I'm getting excited! After that gingerbread house I feel like we had a proper breakthrough. The only issue as I see it is the dungeons. Dungeon networks are some of the most annoying networks and there's never any knowing if we got all of it."

"Isn't that where the gingerbread house comes in?" Remus asked over his catching-up.

"It would, if it included the dungeons."

"It's supposed to. Dumbledore said it's inside the cake hill."

Sirius made mocking kissy-lips. " _Dumbledore said! My boyfriend Dumbledore!"  
_ Remus rolled together his quiz results and whacked Sirius on the kissy-lips. Sirius was shaking with laughter.

"I thought we were having pork jelly, but you're still here!" said Remus and disappeared behind Hogwarts- A Technical Manual huffily.

"I was wondering something," said James, no longer chortling. "Does Hogwarts- A Horrible History say how many secret passages are in the network?"

"Yeah on page 63!"

Hogwarts- A Horrible History lied on the table. James opened page 63 and met a WALL OF TINY PRINT!

"I didn't bring my reading glasses! You read it!" he said and passed it to Sirius. But he wouldn't have it either.

"Please say how many they are!"  
"12!"

"And that's to date?"

"Hogwarts- A Horrible History updates continuously."

After having nearly given up, the chaps began to see the light in the tunnel, the gold at the end of the rainbow. There appeared to be absolutely nothing standing between them and that map now. They needed to start looking for those passages and they needed to nick a gingerbread house, and they were going to start with that crinkled lump of oxisided iron.


	7. Chapter 7

SILENT HEIST

7 DECEMBER THURSDAY

In broad daylight, nobody cared in what direction you went. This was the reason the chaps generally liked to operate at lunchtime.

But searching the Lady Grey for runes with a a self-made rune candle was a task that benefited from being performed in the night, because runes glowed better in the dark.

The chaps were sitting in a ring on the floor in the dorm playing Exploding Go Fish and discussing their operation.

They had just rejected the inclusion of James's nifty Invisible Cloaca, on account of it not being infinitely large. Nowadays it was mostly used in conjunction with funny shoes to leave muddy footprints everywhere.

"Dumb-" said Remus but, for some very mysterious reason, stopped himself. He took a card from the pile of cards. Sirius reorganised his cards.

"Dumb? Got any twos?"

"Go fish," said James.

Sirius picked up a card. A sturgeon jumped out of it and right into his mouth.

"What's Dumbledore been saying?" James asked.

"Dumbledore doesn't need a cloak to make himself invisible," said Remus.

"What does Dumbledore need to make himself invisible?"

"Acid pops."

"Do you have any acid pops?"

"No."

The sturgeon flipped its fins and spanked Sirius on the nose. He pulled it out and threw it to his cats.

"I think somebody needs to stay here and guard the dorm while we're out," he said and opened a tin of altoids.

"Yes good thinking!" said James. "Pete?"

"Guard the dorm for what?" Peter asked, shaking and breaking sweat.

"Like evil spirits."

"I don't want to guard the dorm from evil spirits!"  
"Then maybe I can guard the dorm from evil spirits," said Remus.

Sirius whispered in his ear: "There aren't actually any evil spirits!"

"When did you last talk to Dumbledore?" James asked.

"At least two months ago," Remus replied.

"Then maybe it is high time you did some catching up! And by that I mean: get acid pops!"  
"No need," said Sirius, "Invisibility tricks is for amateurs!"

"Are you calling Dumbledore an amateur?"

"He is either an amateur, or he likes to visit shady cinemas. What am I to make of a man who killed my dear grandad?"

"Dumbledore did not kill your dear grandad!"  
"I don't want us all to be caught. It'd be better if only _two_ of us were caught..." Suggestive brow action.

"I would prefer it if none of us were caught," said James. "Got any fours?"

"I don't want us to be caught either, but _if!_ Think of it as a dual circuit brake system."

James nodded slowly. "I don't know what that is but I think I know what you mean. We're the circus, right?"

"If we split up, and two of us are caught, the other two can still keep going with good chances of not being caught. Ok so I think we should part into pairs like this: I take Rem and you take Peter. Everybody cool with that? Groovy. I further think you guys should leave first-"

"Hold on a minute!" James protested. "Why is it you and Rem?"

"Because if you are caught... Weren't you listening just know? That's ok, I will explain to you what a dual circuit brake system is. A car, you see-"

"But what if _you_ are caught!"

"That's not going to happen."

"If the two of you are caught, then it's down to me and Pete."

"Hm. I understand your concern. But you need not worry for we are less likely to be caught anyway, because I am so smart and he is so careful."

"Whatever you say! But the faith you have in me is entirely appropriate. But if we are parting into pairs, then I might as well take the cloaca. Since that will put me in an obvious advantage, I should be allowed to choose the one who I think would best complement my assets."

"That's Peter. Peter is the one who is best at complimenting your asset."

"And since I am so smart, I will need somebody who is careful I guess!"  
"You're absolutely right. Peter is very careful, you won't find anybody more careful."

"Wouldn't it be better if you two went?" Remus asked. "Because if you are both caught, they will find it easier to accept that nobody else will follow."

"That's a good point. But if you and Peter are caught, will McGonagall accept that that's the end of that?"

"If he used the cloak, then she would only catch me. I'm sure she'd accept that, and if it happens, he can still keep going."

""Excellent thinking!" said James. "If _you_ have the cloaca, and Peter is caught, that way _you_ can still keep going! I like it!"

"Do I have to be caught?" Peter asked.

"Yes."

"Why do I have to be caught!"

"Because it's crucial to our success! By letting a professor on a late errand catch you, they will think they won this battle. All they will do is send you back to bed, and then they will go to bed, too."

Detentions weren't dished out for breaking the curfew. But a decent chunk of points could be taken. And they had finished last in the House Cup on 3 points last year, epically far behind the other houses. That wasn't going to happen again. They knew how to lose a lot of points, but they hadn't quite figured out how to make a lot of points.  
XXXXX

XXXXX

The dual circuit brake system was a pretty decent safety measure because rarely did the chaps encounter _that_ many professors in the night. They were fairly certain that they had never been caught by more than one unless they managed to get away!

James and Sirius were wallking along through one of the corridors leading to the north hall, the one with most of the classrooms, when footsteps made them freeze like deers with headlice. Footsteps, like alarm bells, alarm bells, alarm bells. Not sneaking footsteps, trying to be discrete. Loud, authoritative footsteps. Professor footsteps.

James and Sirius tried to listen for where the footsteps were heading.

"They're not getting closer," James whispered. "I think it stopped!"

"Well of course it stopped! Whoever that was, they are trying to listen for _our_ footsteps, aren't they?"

"That's never even occurred to me that anybody might hear our footsteps."

"Why do you think we've been sneaking like this with our shoes off?"

"So nobody was going to hear our footsteps!"  
"Sneaking is totally suspicious. You can hear if somebody is trying to sneak. All professors have an inner radar, they can sense who is trying to avoid their attention like it's blood!"  
"Well it's still better than making a lot of noise."  
"Is it really?"

"If you were McGonagall and you heard a lot of noise, you would find out what it was."

"If you were McGonagall and you heard sneaking, you would find out what it was even more."  
"Yes but at least there is an effort made to not be heard, that is the point of sneaking."

"The effort is futlie, it is impossible to not be heard when it's this quiet. We've witnessed this countless times, teachers aren't out at this hour to make sure everybody stays in bed. They are out because they have secret errands that can't be delayed."

"What are you saying now? Do you think we should have brought pots and pans?"

"Yes. Just think about it. If you were McGonagall and you heard lots of pots and pans, you would think: Somebody else heard that, I'm not dealing with that because I have my secret errand to attend."

"You are making lots of assumptions. People don't just go to secret errands, they also return from them."

"You know who else makes lots of assumptions? Warlock Gnomes."

"Warlock Gnomes thinks that everybody with lose hanging trousers are gay."

It was simply unacceptable how long they had been standing around there whispering, idiotic even. Nobody was coming. They picked up their sneaking, almost running the last few meters to the Lady Grey.

"Ok let's do this!" said Sirius. "First we were supposed to locate the squiggle rune, right? Pass me the candle."

"I forgot about the candle!"  
"You're joking!"

"Where were you when I forgot the candle!"  
"I was taking care to keep us all safe!"  
"You were wasting all our time with your fungal biscuit syndrome!"

Footsteps! Somebody was coming! Nay, somebody was sneaking. It was only Remus, alone.

"Hello."

"We forgot the candle!" said James.

"We didn't."

Remus pulling the invisible cloaca off Peter looked like a high-level squib magic trick. Peter held the unlit candle in his hands, looking very proud. Remus folded the cloaca neatly.

"We thought this was the safest place for the candle!" said Peter. "Because nobody would see it, if it was under the cloak!"

Nobody would see it if it was in a pocket either, but nobody said that out loud. Peter passed James the candle like he was passing the olympic torch.

"Awesome," said James and lit it.

He brought the rune flame near the crinkled lump, looking to locate the squiggle rune, the rune responsible for concealing all other runes. The chaps found it in a very well camouflaged ear. Upon being exposed to the candle light it burst aglow.

"I forgot what the upheaval spell was," Sirius whispered.

"It's a mouthful," said Remus. "Are you ready? It's _Elagabalus Caligula."_

The chaps repeated the words several times, until they got it perfectly. And just like with the Tribeam, this required a joint effort. Well it didn't require it, but it did facilitate things and it spared their magical muscles from further soreness. But as always, it was crucial with synchronised spellcasting that the spellcasters were perfectly synchronised, or things could go terribly awry.

" _Archibald Carsalesman!"_ said Peter. His wand blew a bubble of snot.

Since he had time and time again proven to lack all magical potency, he simply couldn't be allowed to take part in this synchronised spell either.

"Somebody has to hold the candle!" James realised and picked it up from the floor. "This is crucial to our success!"  
So therefore it was put to Peter to hold the candle in the meantime. And the other chaps, they rolled up their sleeves and struck their I'm-a-tough-wizard! poses.

"On three then?" said James.

"Four," said Sirius.

One! Two! Three!  
" _Eligible Carpeter!"  
"Burglar Calvados!"  
"Barrelmonkey Cantaloupe!"_

Uncontrolled magic flew all over the place. Doors came unhinged, holes were made in the ceiling and several paintings were ripped. This made a good deal of noise, noise nobody wanted to deal with.

Once the chaps managed to get it right, new runes burst aglow all over the Lady Grey. The chaps couldn't name most of them, but they were only looking for the squaggle. And they found it in the other ear.

"There it is!" James whispered, in awe.

"Now what?" Sirius asked, in awe.

"Now we must guess the password!"  
"Great because I'm a master hacker!"

"Me too!"

They put their faces closer to the Lady Grey's hideously deformed one.

"You stole fizzy lifting drinks!" James chanced.

"Etcetera! Etcetera! Etcetera!" Sirius tried with great dramatic arm gestures.

"You lose! Good day sir!"

The eyes on the Lady Grey glowed red with fury. The chaps were frightened. How badly could they really screw up?

The Lady Grey spoke with a voice like that of a demonic choir.

" _You have entered three incorrect passwords!"_

The chaps swallowed, saying nothing.

" _Do you wish to reset the password?"_

"Uhm yes please," James replied.

" _Please verify that it was you who recently activated the emergency network!"_

An owl flew over them and dropped a letter on James's head. He opened it.

"Bla bla bla, you have requested his temporary password, you may change it later..."  
"What's the temporary password?"

James needed to switch to his reading glasses.

" A0Ta51fgUFEM2"

" _You have entered the correct password,"_ said the face. " _Do you wish to A, enter me, or 2, change the password-"  
"_B! I mean 2!"  
" _Please enter your new password after the tone and say hash key to finish. Beeeeep."_

The chaps experienced some mild panic and dared not say a word, in case it would end up in their new password. Instead they quietly agreed to take turns saying one word, starting with James, then Sirius, then Remus, then Peter.

"Tits!"

"Bottom!"

"Rhosgobel."

"Spaghetti!"

"Hash key," James finished.

The eyes on the face went from glowing red to glowing green.

" _You have entered a new password. Your new password is: Wishy wushy wishy wushy wishy wushy... Tits. Bottom. Rhosgobel. Baguette. If you are happy with your new password, say z. If you are not happy with your new password, sceam something."_

" _Z!"_

" _You're password has now changed. Thank you for changing your password. Enjoy your new password."_

The lights in the eyes went out.

XXXXX

XXXXX

Still eleven more secret entrances to pin down. The chaps would have to wait for the next nightfall.

They were playing wizard's pinball right now during the remains of their lunch hour. They took turns on the machine and discussed potential locations for secret entrances.

Sirius was waiting for his turn on the wizard's pinball machine.

"I would bet my hat," he said, scribbling in a newspaper.

"You don't have a hat," said James. The turn on the wizard's pinball machine was currently his.

"I have lots of hats. I'm just not wearing one right now."

"What would you bet your hat on?"

"I would bet my hat on Stud By Your Mane."

"Why that horse?"

"I've just always wanted to bet on a race horse that references a country song in a punny fashion."

"I would bet my hat on the one with the low odds."

"The One With The Low Odds?"

"Yes that one, that you have underlined."

Sirius leafed past the horse racing information, to the crosswords.

"I would bet my hat that Dumbledore has one."

"What, a hat?"

"No, a racehorse."

"I would bet your racehorse that there is a secret passage in either his office or bedchamber."

It was game over for James on the machine. Sirius took his place. James took his cross words and began to fill it out wrong.

"You know I thought this was going to be easy now. Hooray no more going through each and every room with a tapeworm! Turns out we still have to go through all the rooms, only without the tapeworm!"

"I still have that tapeworm," said Peter.

"At least we're getting the gingerbread house tomorrow. So you can get rid of that tapeworm."

"These passages are very likely in obvious places," said Remus, "Because what use is it in an emergency if they are too hard to get to?"

"Yeah exactly you wait until the Lord is drunk until you storm his castle," said Sirius. "I'm surprised he knows more about this than you do."

"I haven't read Hogwarts- A Horrible History and neither have you," said James.

"Don't you have secret passages where you live?"

"Sure there is the odd secret passage I guess. I've just never been that interested in locking myself indoors to investigate them. I like to play outside, I mean, AHERM, I like to hang out outside."

"A good portion of Hogwarts- A Horrible History," said Remus, leafing through it again, " is dedicated to the artwork, and it's listed in chronological order. So I would start with paintings and sculptures that's from around the time of the baron as well as the founders."  
"Does that include any wall candlesticks?"

"No."

"Game over," said Sirius, stepping away from the wizard's pinball machine. "I think I hear Slug."

"He's just outside," said James. "I have the recording device."

"Ok let's go say hi then."


	8. Chapter 8

SILENT HEIST

8 DECEMBER FRIDAY

Some hundred meters from their tower, the chaps happened upon the first possible candidate from their checklist; a large painting, simply titled: _Sir Nicholas of Swinesale._

Sirius had the candle tonight, and brought it close to Sir Nicholas's left ear. And lo, the squiggle rune burst aglow like a newly hatched hinkypunk. Apparently.

The chaps upheaved it, and hundreds of more newly hatched baby hinkypunks burst aglow allover like it was the vernal equinox. Apparently. And the squaggle rune glowed in Sir Nicholas's right ear.

Otherwise it was dead quiet and dead dark all around. The only sound was courtesy of Peter's biological plumbing.

"I'll just say some random words," said James. "Moustache. Whiskers. Werther's Original."

Sir Nicholas's pointy brows furrowed, and his eyes began to glow red. His voice like that of a demonic choir, nothing like John Cleese.

" _You have entered three incorrect passwords!"_

And owl flew over them, dropping an envelope on James's head. He spoke the temporary password.

""IE8f6hjhSF"

" _Incorrect!"  
_ "What?" Oh, he had missed a letter! He hated these temporary passwords, he never had his temporary password glasses on him!

" _Please confirm that you are not a golem by repeating after me! Breakfirst nurfail."_

 _"_ Breakfast nailfile."

 _"Correct. Do you wish to X, enter me, or Q, reset the password?"_

"Q."  
" _Please speak your new password after the signal and finish with any quote from the Dead Parrot sketch of your choice."  
_ Just like last night, the chaps took turns saying a word each, in the same order as before.

"Semprini."

"Number 1: The larch."

"Stoatgobbler."

"Fruit."

"HELLO POLLY!" they finished, screaming.

Sir Nicholas did no longer sound like a demonic choir. Now he sounded uncannily like John Cleese again.

" _You're new password is: Semprini. Number 1: The larch. Stoatgobbler. Self defense against. If you are happy with your new password, do a silly walk."_

The chaps did the silliest walks they could.

" _You have changed your password. Thank you for changing your password. Enjoy your new password."  
_ The lights in Sir Nick's eyes went out.

Paintings of the original residents were scattered all over Hogwarts. But luckily enough, the majority of them had been purchased after the installation of the network.

From the portrait of Sir Nick, the nearest next resident portrait on the checklist was that of the Lady Grey outside the Ravenclaw tower. The Ravenclaw tower was but a stone's throw away, if it took ten minutes to throw it.

The chaps were ready to reset the password to the painting of Lady Grey 40 minutes later. They said one word each:

"Eggman."

"Walrus."

"Hey Jude."

"Daydream Believer."

" _You're new password is: Eggman. Walrus. Hey Jude. Daydream Believer. Enjoy your new password."_

The chaps were on a fire-y roll tonight! They managed to locate four original resident passages and every time they heard footsteps or voices, they would either smash their pots and pans or play the conversation they had recorded with Slug earlier.

After five discovered secret passages, they turned back to their trusted chum Hogwarts- A Horrible History.

"Like I said," said Sirius, "Dumbledore is bound to have one."

"You want to go there now?" James asked.

"Why not? I am told Dumbledore doesn't lock, because Dumbledore is simply too Dumbledore for locks and protecting mechanisms. It's the perfect way to not come across as a ruthless criminal."

"But he's very likely there now!"  
"And sleeping like a baby, like cold-hearted killers without conscience tend to do."

"I don't know where his bedchamber is. Do you know?"

"No! HM! If ONLY we had brought an expert scholar on all things Dumbledore!"

"If ONLY we had brought a muzzle that you could wear!"

According to Hogwarts- A Horrible History, the twelfth secret passage had been installed by Hogwarts's first ever Headmaster in his own bedchamber. It was a self-portrait.

For a very long time, this bedchamber had served as the bedchamber for all future headmasters. In those days the bedchamber had been at the top of the Headmaster tower, with the headmaster's office below it.

Remus was willing to share some more Dumbledore trivia not included in Hogwarts- A History:

Dumbledore had upon his inauguration made the former headmaster bedchamber his office, and the former headmaster office his bedchamber.

"Gosh I wonder why!" said Sirius when he was allowed to untie the invisible cloaca from his mouth.

"Because that's the sort of wizard he is!" said James. "Selfless to the core!"  
"Nobody is selfless."

"Selfish people tend to think that."

"If Dumbledore is so selfless, how come he had such a need to tell Rem that?"

"You don't know he told him that, maybe he just observed it."

"Rem? Observing anything besides the twinkle behind his half-moon spectacles?"

Zap. Pink bubbles rolled out of Sirius's mouth when he tried to speak. Many fell to the floor, many also got stuck to his clothes. His face was becoming buried in inflated bubblegum fast. Remus chewed on his willow, sphinx molar.

"So you have observed the twinkle behind his half-moon spectacles?" he asked.

Trying to chew down the bubblegum only got Sirius's jaws permanently glued together.

"Are you sorry?"

Zap. Remus's eyes became those pink round liquorice allsorts with black middles, and his tongue rolled out like an unrolled liquorice wheel.

James really wanted to get into sweets magic but he just didn't have any good idea for it! He just didn't know what to do quality street or rollos!

"Do you need to shake hands or something before we move on?"

Sirius and Remus upheaved their magic, and about time too, because they had reached the foot of the headmaster tower. They tried to hear if Dumbledore was up in his office or bedchamber or not.

"Here's what I think," said Sirius. "Rem should go up there first to test the waters."

"Fine," said Remus, already ascending.

"Wait a minute!"  
"What?"

"I haven't told you what to say in case you meet him."

"It's fine. I know what to say."

Remus disappeared around the spiral staircase.

So dead quiet it was when James and Sirius, and Peter, waited.

"What were you going to tell him to say?" James asked.

"Where were you eleven o'clock January 1 1970?"

Dead quiet still. So quiet you could hear snake activity in the all-surrounding pipe system. James began to feel sick and brought to mind cute bichon frisé puppies.

"I hope he remembers the acid pops!"  
But Sirius wasn't listening to him, because he was listening to a wall with his mouth half-open!

"Susan said _what?!"_

" _What_ are you doing?"

"Nothing." Sirius stepped away from the wall.

When several minutes had passed, James and Sirius considered going up the stairs to check on the situation. But there was no need. Remus was descending them now.

"Ok it's done."

"It's _done?"_ James asked.

"Yes. Sorry. You didn't change your minds did you? I just gave the words you said before. _Snape has itchy tinkles."_

Things were moving along just as smoothly as they had anticipated. 6 covered, 6 to go and the clock hadn't even striked three. The thrilling search kept the chaps energised, but they were beginning to feel weight in their eyelids.

They discussed key locations, such as the library, the great hall, the hospital wing- there was bound to be a secret passage there! They had visited the hospital wing so many times they knew the artwork like the part of their backs that was really hard to scratch when it was itching.

A full-figure bronze statue of Helga Hufflepuff and six of her badgers stood by the door to the patient ward because she had dabbled in the healing arts, being most notable for discovering that badgers lower blood pressure.

When it came to change the password, the chaps realised that it needed not only consist of words. It could consist of only actions and it could be a mix of both.

So just to spice things up they came up with the following: _Quality Street (Scratch Zebra under the chin) Maynard Bassets (kiss Helga on the hand) blue M &M's (pat Bee on the nose) My favourite colour is blue (fart)._

There was a full figure statue of Rowena Ravenclaw in the library, one of Salazar Slytherin very near the labs and one of Godric Gryffindor just outside the duel arena.

By the time the chaps had checked them all from their list they were mighty exhausted.

"Just two to go," James yawned. "I'm just going to have a quick lie down..."  
Then they all collapsed on the duel podium.


	9. Chapter 9

SILENT HEIST

9 DECEMBER SATURDAY

The chaps were thrown out of the Duel Arena 5 o'clock in the morning by Mr Filth the caretaker, who had come by to put up yule decorations.

After locating the eleventh passage in the kitchen pantry, the chaps returned to their own beds and collapsed there.

And slept in.

They missed breakfast, and would even have missed the Golden Hour, had they not not missed it. And it was in the staff wing they found the twelfth and final passage.

They reset the password on the Baron's marble bust and after that they didn't have enough time to unstack the gingerbread house and take pictures, not with the care they needed to take to not break it.

"Unless," said James, "it is protected from breaking by magic!"

"It isn't," said Remus.

"Well it was good of you to ask Dumbledore if it was."

"Thank you."

"Unless," said Sirius, "it can just be reparod! What did Dumbledore say, when you asked him if it could be reparod?"

"He said it couldn't be."

"Well damn."

Footsteps! Footsteps disturbing their Golden Hour! The hint of a wagging motion and heavy breathing, in other words Slug. Slug had left the pub early!

"The roof!" said James. "Quickly! Let's put it back!"  
"No time! Let's just leave it on the floor!" said Sirius.

They put the gingerbread roof on the floor and fled through the marble bust. (It told a "riddle"! _What is the difference between Professor Slughorn and a whale? A whale looks better in tweed!)_

The marble bust took them to a tunnel with a valved ceiling, where smokeless wall torches burst aflame upon entry. Nothing unique about that.

"I am famished," said James as they ambled down the tunnel, for he had only had a pear today. "I could eat a cake horse."

"When was the yule disco again?" Sirius asked.

"On the 16th. Not that I care."

"Me neither. Pleh! Captain Meat-Hook! He thinks he is _soooo_ edgy! 'I play what I want!' Bollocks!"

"I know! He just says it to be cool!"

Captain Meat-Hook, the famous radio DJ, coming to the yule disco, was stuff of small notices in the Hogsmead Local. But in both of the school papers it was the stuff of headlines. The old posters had been taken down, and new ones put up. Now the yule disco was going to have a pirate theme. Captain Meat-Hook, or Meaty, was a big fan of the holiday. He always broadcasted a yule special on yule day. He had even recorded a yule single: Deck The Halls with Jolly Rogers.

A simple wall-candlestick mechanism had the chaps being spat out of the tunnel like they were being thrown out of Brussel Sprout's giant rum crate and they landed in a busy kitchen.

Busy bakers, sticking busy christmas cakes in busy ovens busily. The chaps wandered right past them, into a cosy café where their eyes were immediately drawn to the glass that guarded all the cake. According to a liquid chalk sign this was the Bread & Bakery.

"Look at that one!" said James, his nose against the glass, referring to a christmas cake. "The marzipan is so smooth it looks like a fancy cushion!"

"Imagine if people made cakes that looked like cushions," Sirius dreamed. "You could put it on somebody's chair! They'd think it was a cushion!"

"Well who knows?" said James suggestively. "Maybe you'll get one for your birthday..."

"Ok but don't go putting it on my chair."

The chaps took their noses from the glass. The witch behind all the cake wiped away their nose prints with a cloth.

"What can I get you?"

"We're from Hogwarts!" said James.

"Oh really? We recently delivered a gingerbread house to Hogwarts."

"I know! We saw it! It looks amazing! You must have..," A lightbulb, that everybody had presumed dead, flickered somewhere in the back of James's mind. "had drawings!"

"Our templates are extremely detailed. They're 10 or something sheets in total."

"That's a lot of sheets! Let me take it off your hands!"

"I can't let you take them off my hands. We use them every year."

"Can you make copies for us, then? It's homework!"

"Certainly I can, if it's homework! I will go on a break in ten minutes, if you can wait that long."

Wow what a nice lady! The chaps could see that customers were flooding in and out, so to show their appreciation they decided to stay for some hot chocolate and wedding cake.


	10. Chapter 10

SILENT HEIST

10 DECEMBER SUNDAY

Way past one and feeling alright.

The chaps were sitting around their massive project, The Map. It was big. Big and packed with runes. Runes and dots with names on them, most of which didn't currently move about so much.

Although it wasn't finished, it was already obeying verbal commands. It was as good as ready to use.

"Mischief Managed."

That was James turning The Map into a blank roll of A4 parchment. Looking at it, even in its blank state, made the chaps feel a bit... solemn.

"Ok who has the nicest handwriting?" Sirius asked.

"That would be me!" said James, whipping out a very fancy looking goose quill. "This is a fancy-writing quill! It makes writing look neat and fancy! Watch!"

James found a bit of scrap paper and wrote: _Arse cheese._ The quill made it look very neat and joint. This was the writing of a mature adult, and not of a twelve year old chap who still laughed at 'arse cheese'.

"So write something on it!" said Sirius. "Write: Map of Hogwarts _."_

"Map of Hogwarts? This is not just a map of Hogwarts! This is more than a mere map of Hogwarts!"

" 'Not just a mere map of Hogwarts! A map of Hogwarts- and more!' "

"What about: Magic Map?"

"Lots of maps are called that."

" 'The ORIGINAL Magic Map!' "

The chaps threw some more suggestions out there: More Than a Mere Magical Map of Hogwarts. Mysterious Map. Map of Marvels. None of them clicked, yet they found themselves not only stuck on the allitteration, but also on the letter M. Sirius summoned a dictionary as well as a tin of jammie dodgers.

"Ok stop me if you hear a word you like. Macabre. Macadam. Macaroni. Macaroon. Macaw-"

"Maybe skip the obviously irrelevant ones?" James thought.

"Ok. Oh! Machiavellian! That goes in my mental maybe pile."

"Not in mine."  
"Machinate: to plot with evil purpose. I like it! Machismo? We're macho!"

"You must be painting your nails with glitter testosterone!"

"You know it! Mad. Madcap. Made- because it was made, by us. Magic. Magisterial. Magnamininniminity. Magnesia. Magnificent! Magniloqueloquient. Majestic! Malapropism."

"What's that?"

"I think it's when you insert something in the wrong hole. Male. We are male."

" _Male Map?"_

"Maledictory. Malefactor."

"Our magnet is called The Malefactor's Magnet."

"Malevolent. Malpheasant. Malfeces. Malicious. Malign. Malodorous. Man- what we are going to be one day!"

"We are going to be a man?"

"Maniac. Manual. Manuscript. Many-sided. Map. Maraud. Marble. Mare's nest."

"This is going to take forever! I have gone word-dumb!"

"Marmoset."

James took the dictionary and biscuit tin from Sirius and put the dictionary down.

"I am just going to shut my eyes and see where my finger lands, ok? Hmmmm!" Toc. "Marauder. Like Marauder Max, Captain Meat-Hook's nephew who's a sound engineer and ship's cook."

"I've always liked Marauder Max better than Captain Meat-Hook. One time when he was filling in for Meaty because he had the scurvy, he played American Pie! All 8 minutes of it!"

"And Meaty only ever plays the short version! "I play what I want!" Indeed!"  
 _The Marauder's Map._ It was such a thought-provoking name, inviting countless interpretations. Just like true art did! James wrote it on the blank parchment with his fancy quill and it looked so impressive, so elegant, so sophisticated! To think that, only some weeks ago, they had started to lose hope of ever getting to this point.

"Remember when we were still running around with that tapeworm?" Sirius reminisced. "We came up with all these signature names..."

"Oh yeah," James recalled, "So many, too!"

"What names were they?" Remus asked.

"Uhm... Roger. Keith. Like, what would we name our kids..."

"I thought you said signature names."

"It's cockney rhyming slang."

"Coming to think of it, I think I dreamt all that," said Sirius, scratching his head.

"I remember it, too!" said Peter.

"You must have been running around with that tapeworm without me, then," Remus reasoned.

"We never ran around with that tapeworm without you, I don't think," said Sirius.  
"Then maybe it was when you counted all that silver."

"Except for that one time we did."

"How did it go anyway?"

"Fine. Now I remember! We were measuring the Divination Tower because we know you don't like things that are round and shimmering."

"I meant, how did it go with the silver? You said you found all this pirate silver and you had to count it all. You must remember. You spent months counting all that silver. The revenant pirate kidnapped your cat and messaged you with newspaper letter cut-outs. You showed it to me and everything. I see you got Antoinette back."

"Marie. That's Netty over there."

"Have you finished counting the silver now?"

"Yeah we've finished counting it now."

"How much was it?"

"It was crazy lots. That's why it took so long to count it."

"I can't even count to a hundred without skipping numbers," said James.

"How come you didn't just weigh all the coins, and divided it by the weight of one coin?" Remus asked.

"Mick. George. All rubbish names. For signatures I mean. Look there simply weren't big enough scales!"

"Barky," Sirius recalled. "Thorny."

Remus lit up. "Tree names!"

"Those were two but we actually had a lot more."

"Tree names! I'm loving that! Because this is vegan parchment, made from free-range trees!"

"Those were our thoughts exactly. Tree names, because it's paper. But now we think trees are too mainstream."

"Shame. Beechy. Leafy. Twiggy."

"Twiggy is good." The turn came for Sirius to light up. "I just came up with the perfect tree name for you!"

"What is it?"

"Fir-y!"

Sirius laughed and Remus lost all interest.

"Maybe not tree names then."

"Why not?"

Because now James and Sirius really were keen on tree names!

But it was way past late, and really time for bed.


	11. Chapter 11

SILENT HEIST

11 DECEMBER MONDAY

The potions dungeons, a group of underground corridors and labs perpetually filled with green fog and whiffs of burnt eye-of-newt. If Sirius ever had regrets about his house choice, he could just pop down here. The thin air was humid and pungent and he couldn't see a thing!

"Where are we going?" he asked. "And when will you take your hands from my eyes?"

That was when they stopped.

"Ok we're here!" said James and removed his hands.

They were standing outside Slug's bedchamber. Sirius saw that James was fumbling with a brown envelope.

"I see you brought the Fiendish Fisheyes."

The Fiendish Fisheyes were Coca Cola crown corks fitted with glass lenses. Oh, and actual fisheyes from the pantry. James began to hand them out. They really needed to get their Fiendish Fisheyes some chains.

"Wear your fisheyes, chaps!"

The Fiendish Fisheyes stuck to their eyes by a vacuum force like suction cups. James could even stick his to his glasses. The chaps put their Fiendish Fisheyes to Slug's door.

They saw Slug pace around his chamber as if through peepholes, or fisheyes. He scratched his receding hairline, like he had forgotten something. Then he decided to pull out his chair- and through their fisheyes, the chaps had a perfect view of his chair and desk.

The chair had a cushion, that looked very much looked like a cake with buttons. It was whiter than bleached teeth and ill-fitting with the ruling colour theme. Sirius had to gasp, because no cushion stuffed with goose feathers could be _that_ firm. And he just knew that, although Slug was dim, there was no way he'd sit on those twelve burning candles.

And right he was. Slug moved the cake to the desk.

"Oh well," said Sirius. "It's the thought that counts."

"It's not _finished!"_ said James and forced Sirius to keep looking.

Instead Slug sat down on the chair. CRASH! It broke under him like it had been constructed from gingerbread! Because it HAD been constructed from gingerbread! Poor Slug looked so confused where he sat in a puddle of gingerbread debris, trying to heave himself up. The chaps absolutely roared with laughter, but shushed eachother when Slug looked at the door.

"Aw guys!" said Sirius, deeply touched. "You did remember!"

"We have a confession to make," said James. "When we said we had to be treated for highly contageous dandruff, well, in actuality, we were making that cake and chair."

"You made that cake _and_ chair? I had no idea you baked. That must have taken hours!"

"We didn't _bake_ the cake, per se. It's not actually cake! It's soil mixed with some dead flies we found in lamps and some of McGonagall's cheapest whisky that we clothed in some marzipan. As for the chair. We built it from giant semi burnt gingerbread pieces that the giant board game keeper had thrown out!"

The chaps turned their pretty noses back to the door. Slug had already fetched a plate. He cut himself a slice of cake and smelled it, his face punched back by the strong whisky aroma. The cake held together really well. Slug fed a fork of it to his moustache. The chaps howled with empathetic disgust, scarcely able to look.

Slug's face made the face of someone who didn't know what soil and dead flies tasted like. Then his face made the face of someone who realised that he had soil and dead flies in his mouth. He spat it out and began to scrape furiously at his tongue with his fingers.

This was possibly the funniest thing since Pomfrey had announced through the tannoy system that Snape's scalp balm was ready. Very nearly!

Slug was heading for the door and the chaps ran through the second nearest lab door.

"That was the best birthday prank a chap could ask for!" said Sirius. "A lot better than the one I got from my mum!"

"You got a birthday prank from your mum?" Remus asked.

"Not prank. What's the word?" He whipped out a black card and opened it. " _YOU'RE A DISGRACE!"_ He closed it again. "See, I, too, get a monthly howler."

"So what makes it a birthday howler?" James asked.

Sirius opened it again. " _IF YOU THINK I'M GOING TO WISH YOU A HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU DISGRACE-"_ He closed it again. "If you play it backwards, it says I love you."

"Does it really?"

Sirius flipped the card upside down. " _ECARGSID UOY YADHTRIB-"_

The walls caught fire and Remus closed the card before the King of Demons appeared.

The chaps looked through the door just to see where Slug was, but it seemed like he was not going to bother them. They pocketed their fisheyes.

"What are we doing!" James asked and whipped out their new and shiny map. According to it, Slug was still in his bedchamber. "Ok! Who wants to sign this baby!"

They cleared the teacher's desk and spread out their baby.

"Shame we're not doing tree names because I came up with one," said James, wielding the fancy writing quill. "Dogwood."

"And I also came up with another one," said Sirius. "Hornbeam."

"I've come up with a few," said Remus, fingering a list. "What do you think of monkey puzzle?"

"There's not a tree called monkey puzzle!"

"There is, too, a tree called monkey puzzle!"

Tree names seemed like an increasingly good idea.

"Dibs on monkey puzzle!" said James. "But before we make up our minds, maybe there is another confession to be made tonight."

"I think there is," said Sirius, and looked Remus square in the eyes. "Be honest now. There is not really a tree called monkey puzzle."

"Why would I make that up?"

"Why would you eat your hairbrush?"

"I wasn't eating my hairbrush, I was just... I couldn't find my cactus..."

"My wand shell is bladdernut," said Peter.

The moment. It was here. The lies, oh the lies about the pirate silver! It simply couldn't go on!

"The truth is," said James. "We haven't been entirely honest with you."

Peter looked confused. "You haven't been entirely honest with me?"

"Not _you!"_

"No," said Sirius. "When we said we had to count all these silver pieces for a vengeful pirate revenant who forbade all use of scales, the truth is, it wasn't really that much silver."

"But it took you ages to count all that silver," said Remus. "I thought it was weird. You said it was so difficult to count to a hundred without skipping numbers. Were you doing something else that was really difficult?"

"No!" And Sirius wanted to stress this. "No we were not doing something else that was really difficult! It was not difficult at all! It was quick and easy!"

"Oh ok."

"It was just that, there was an aspect of it that really was truly, truly difficult. A challenge we really struggled with. A _lot."_

"Oh I see. Except I really don't."

"So we actually just had to give up."

"Well, sometimes in life, that's the only option."

"No it's not ever the only option. I _say_ give up. Really we just had to find a simpler solution to the problem."

"Well that's good. The best solutions are always the simplest."

"Well I don't know but in this case it didn't really make any difference."  
"Good. I'm glad you could find a solution to your problem in the end."

"I just hate myself because we didn't think of it at the beginning."  
"Can I ask, what exactly _were_ you doing?"

Pop. That wasn't the bubblegum. James and Sirius had made themselves invisible without cloaca or acid pop! And it got weirder! In their places, an adolescent stag with not fully developed horns and a black standard poodle. Peter looked hopelessly constipated.

James and Sirius popped back into themselves, but not before making something of a clumsy mess first, and James zapped Peter into a rat.

"You made him invisible!" Remus gasped, hugely impressed.

James picked up the rat. That wasn't as impressive, because turning other people into smaller animals was basic transfiguration.

"We decided that he can continue practicing on his own if he wants," said James. "But Sirius and I felt that, after some eight months, we started missing doing other things."

He zapped Peter back into himself.

"I did it!"

"So that's what you've been doing?" Remus asked. "Why couldn't you just say that?"

"I don't know. I guess we wanted it to be a surprise or something, or wait for the right time..."

"A surprise? Is it my birthday, too?"

"James invented this "theory!"" said Sirius, his tone mocking. "Do you want to explain your "theory!", or shall I?"

"Don't talk of my "theory!" like that, you know it's real!" James retorted.

"So, he invented this "theory!", right-"

"I didn't "invent" the theory. You don't "invent" theories. You could say I _proposed_ a theory, and like a true scientist, gathered evidence, tried the theory, and observed the results!"

"It has a great name, your theory! It's called: The Principle of Animmunity!"

"Why are you laughing at my theory! What's so funny about that?"

"So basically, what this means is... Something like werewolves don't kill animals or whatever."

"See, if you had proposed this theory, you would have called it something like: Animal immunity thingy something. That is not the way to gain respect in the scientific community."

"You're going to be the youngest ever Wizard Nobel lorry."

"You oversimplified my theory, or principle, way too much. It does not mean "something like werewolves don't kill animals or whatever". It's simply an observation of the fact that all dark creatures only ever target wizardfolk."

"All dark creatures don't only ever target wizardfolk," said Remus.

"I'm not finished. Most dark creatures only ever target wizardfolk."

"Again, I don't know where you get that from. Most dark creatures target all sorts of-"

"Please don't interrupt me, I don't like that. Basically, what it means is that, things like, you know vampires? Vampires only ever target humans, right? They only want to drink human blood and make other humans like them. Now that is a fact, do you agree? Vampires only ever target their own race."

"How do you know this?"

"What do you mean ,''How do I know this?" It's basic fact, innit? It's in Nicholas Swinesale's book, Fierce Creatures!"

"Nowhere does it say in his book that vampires "only ever target their own race"."

"But it's what it _means,_ dunnit! It's implied! I think you just want to fuss! I thought you might have doubts about my theory. I completely expected you to be suspicious of it, since you wouldn't have read about it anywhere because I just proposed it. But to be honest, I think you and Sirius are just miffed you didn't propose this theory first. So Sirius puts it down by making fun of it, and you put it down by questioning it and looking for faults."

"I don't mean to put down your theory. It's very interesting. Maybe there are some things, to which it might apply. I really like the name."

"Thank you. So do I. But the point wasn't really to lecture any of you pork jellies about my theory. The Principle of Animmunity is merely what allows us to take you for romantic walks in the moonlight in our animal forms!"

"We say 'you'," said Sirius. "Obviosly we mean were-you. We call him Mr Moony."

All colour left Remus's face. He looked deeply shocked and anxious. Slowly the first words began to return.

"What do you mean, "allows'"?"

"Well we couldn't very well tell you all this without first making sure for ourselves it really is totally safe could we? That's why it kind of had to be a surprise."

He looked absolutely horrified. "You haven't!"

And as if that wasn't enough of a shock for one evening, there was another one in store for him, a truly terrible one. They had never really considered tree names at all!


	12. Chapter 12

SILENT HEIST

12 DECEMBER TUESDAY

Herbology often felt like a filler class. It seldom involved any proper magic. Also it just wasn't very interesting, or rather, Brussel Sprouts lacked the ability to convey why it was interesting. It usually came down to some sort of medicinal reason, in which case, potions class was more interesting because it involved more proper magic and stabbing frogs and less prodding in soil.

"The black hellebore is also known as the christmas rose," said Sprout.

If that was going to be on any exam it wasn't going to give many points.

"Remember when you collected the seeds last time? I hope you brought them. So who can tell me a fact about the hellebore? Mr Fletcher!"

Sprout's pet Fletcher had springs in his heels.

"Hellebores cure madness and ward off dark influences!"

"That is exactly right. 100 points to Hufflepuff."

McGonagall never gave more than 10! James nudged Sirius in the side.

"See Padfoot I told you, this is where the points are!"

Sirius had a glance in Remus's book, _The Effect of the Greenhouse_ by _Al Gore,_ that lied open just to the side of him. Page 42 had a picture of a white hellebore. Sprout had already gone on to talk about soil. Sirius put up his hand.

"...sandy soils. Yes Mr Black?"

"Some hellebores are white!"

Fletcher chortled. Sprout smirked a little, the condescending...! It was a fact, wasn't it? She'd better dish out those points!

"That is true. 5 points to Gryffindor," said Sprout. "So, grass clippings is excellent compost- Mr Fletcher?"

"Hellebores change colour according to the magic in them, for example, black hellebores have a lot of dark magic and white hellebores have a lot of white magic and red hellebores are sort of fifty fifty."

"Another excellent and informative fact! 100 points to Hufflepuff! So, grass clippings. Don't throw it away, because they contain a lot of nutrients. Now last week, Miss Toddy asked how to get rid of those bugs that keep eating her mum's pak choi. There is actually a very easy solution for this. Take a flamethrower- Mr Potter?"

James was leaning past Sirius to skim the same page in _The Effect of the Greenhouse_. He was going to pick out a proper fact! There were even a few good ones underlined.

"Wearing ties summons demons!"

"Does it now?"

"There was a tie between the demons and the naked running men?"

"We really have to get a move on."

"How many points to I get?"

The fact check was over. James hoped his horn-rimmed Basil & Meduso specs weren't malfunctioning again.

"When you fill your watering cans," said Sprout, "make sure to fill it with the tears of baby girls. It's the tap with the pink bow. I'll be here if you need me."

There were watering cans under the work table and taps at the center of it, and garden gloves in the drawers.

"Well it sounds like this is going to be a _hell-a-bore!"_ said James, putting on a pair.

Sirius poured his seeds from a matchbox into his hand and held them under Remus's nose.

"What are you doing?" Remus asked.

"Curing your madness."

Remus reached inside his jumper and pulled out an un-holy rosary (a holy rosary with an upside down cross.) The seeds in Sirius's palm self-combusted, giving him tiny burns. Remus let him have some of his spare seeds.

"It's the root you want."

Too bad Sprout didn't like him.

There wasn't much room for creativity in herbology, at least where James and Sirius were concerned. Pot, soil, seeds, water. Everytime. Occasional weeding, sometimes pruning. Sirius just didn't understand the point of it. This was why you had gardeners! Needless to say his and James's minds were elsewhere. Elsewhere being Captain Meat-Hook and the Yule Disco.

Rumours were going around, about there being a prize for the best disco-pirate costme. There was another rumour going around, that Meaty was going to perform his anti-war yule song for the first time ever at the yule disco!

"I don't know if it's me," said James, prodding his fingers seven centimeters into the soil and then measuring with a very special ruler, "but I just don't understand how people are singing Happy Xmas (War Is Over) everywhere. They've been doing it since November! Am I the only person who doesn't think it's _that_ good?"

"Not just you, Prongs" said Sirius, "It's really shit. People are so PC! They think they have to like it because it's anti-war and "relevant"! I respect the man, but let's be honest. People will hump anything if it has "John Lennon" written on it."

"I'm just as anti-war as any sensible person, but I still just don't get it. Imagine is so much better."

"Pfft! Imagine! My beginner exercises in _Let's Play Dark Piano 1_ were more advanced than Imagine!" _  
_"Now that's just being a snob. But Happy Xmas (War Is Over) is not even an original melody. And the lyrics are SO bad!

"My favourite Beatle was always Ringo."

"No it wasn't!"

"Hey I was five or six when I first heard Yellow Submarine and I loved it!"  
"My favourite song was always Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds, because at the time I really believed it was about a girl called Lucy flying around on a broomstick wearing lots of diamonds, and not about drugs."

"My favourite Beatles song is Hey Hey We're The Monkees!" said Peter. "It's about drugs!"

"Moony do you have a favourite Beatles song?"

"Don't answer that!" said Sirius, before Remus could. "I want to guess! Is it Mr Moonlight?"

"No."

"Here Comes the Sun?"

"No."

"Here Comes the Sun King?"

"I don't even know that one."

"Hmmm. Hey Jude? Yesterday? I Am The Walrus? Michelle? Strawberry Fields? Your Mother Should Know? Ticket To Ride? You do know Hang On Sloopy isn't The Beatles?"

"I thought that was something you had made up."

Sirius kept listing titles and very soon he began to repeat himself.

"Hey Jude? Mean Mr Mustard? Did I say All My Loving? Obladi Oblada? Michelle? Oh I give up! Which is it?"

"Octopus's Garden."

Ohhhh. Of course.

"But at the time I really believed it was about an octopus gardener, and not about drugs."

"It's like being told there is a Father Christmas isn't it?"

The chaps poured some water in paper boxes, froze it and grated the ice block baby girl tears over their planted hellebores.

Sprout sat at her desk with her arms in a box. Not through the opening at the top, because there wasn't one, but through holes in the side. She was growing something in the dark! She was growing something that didn't like the sun!

"I think I know what's in there!" said James. "It's a, what are they called, Devils's Snare!"

"Devil's Snare," said Remus.

"Some name, innit, the Devil's Snare!"

"Devil's Snare."

"Exactly. I wonder if it's a very misleading name, the Devil's Snare?"

"Devil's Snare."

"Yes. I bet the Devil's Snare-"

"Devil's Snare."

"The Devil's Snare-"

"Devil's Snare."

"Are you taking the piss?"

"You have to say it twice."  
"Why?"

"Reasons."

"Even 'though it's probably just a daisy with delusions of grandeur?"

"There are many herbs that are commonly called Devil's Snare, Devil's Snare. Never heard of any of them being a daisy."

"Doesn't that make things very confusing?"

"It's why taxonomy was invented."

"A bit harsh, putting it on people's taxes."

"What all Devil Snare Devil Snares have in common is that they are carnivorous and don't like sunlight. Some are trees, others are shrubs. There is one true Devil's Snare Devil's Snare and it's a vine."

"What is Brussel Sprouts doing with a Devil's Snare?" Sirius wondered.

"Devil's Snare.

"Devil's Snare."

"Devil's Snare."

Sirius put his hands over Remus's mouth. "Devil's Snaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare!"

Further up the table, his fingers prodding in many pots, Fletcher said: "Devil's Snare."

Sirius removed his hands.

"Sometime I'm going to say it only once, when you're not around."

"What a shame you want to bring doom and misfortune upon yourself," said Remus.

"You said that about sharing mugs!"

With his arms full of pots, that eavesdropper Fletcher went to Sprout with two questions. The first was hellebore related. The second had to do with her mysterious activity.

"What is that, Professor Sprout? It's not some sort of Devil's Snare Devil's Snare?"

"Right you are!"

"What's it for?"

"It's to keep the uninvited out of the Yule Disco."

The chaps simply couldn't believe the fatal lengths the teachers would go to keep students out of the Yule Disco! They had expected guarding mechanisms, but not deadly ones!

And they knew there was going to be more than a Devil's Snare Devil's Snare.


	13. Chapter 13

SILENT HEIST

13 DECEMBER WEDNESDAY

Every time the chaps had a moment to spare, and some privacy in a public location, they whipped out their map, giggled, said the magic words, giggled, and watched their signatures appear in such elegant and sophisticated writing. They were very pleased with the cosmetic details that preceded the appearance of the actual map. They were also very proud of some of their more mature word choices. They hadn't even needed a thesaurus!

They were sitting on the Grey Lady's failed statue. James made the map go blank just for the sake of playing with one of the many nifty features!

" _Hocus pocus! Reveal yourself!"_

 _Mr Moony wonders if you need help?_

Chortles.

"I think we all wonder that!" said Sirius.

 _Mr Wormtail says: the first word is I._

"I wasn't even thinking that right now!" said Peter. "But it's true! The first word is I!"

 _Mr Padfoot doesn't believe in global warming because climate changes have always occurred, even before there were factories and cars. Discuss._

"Those climate changes were caused by greenhouse gases and they caused mass extinctions," said Remus.

"But it was totally natural. that's my point," said Sirius.

"You're point was: you don't believe in global warming, and then you go on to say they have ocurred in the past."

"Look. Shut up. Nobody likes a nitpicker."

"You said discuss."

"You do realise that wasn't _actually_ me? It's only an illusion. Because if Prongs won't say the password, he has either forgotten it, or he is lonely and in the mood of a chat. I was talking to _him."_

"Oh ok!"

 _Mr Prongs recommends a spring wedding._

"I think a total of 13 m's went into this map," Remus thought.

Sirius gave him a provocative side-glance. "Devil's Snare."

"Just some trivia. Devil's Snare."

A total of 13 letter m's, could that really be true? James and Sirius tried to count them all in their heads. They had used many words beginning with m, and some of the words contained the letter m.

"I'm only getting 12," said James.

"Did you remember to count the big one?" Remus asked.

The map had, apart from the drawing of the map, and all the nifty features, a huge watermark in the shape of an M.

"I suppose you're right!" said James. "I don't know, it just felt good I guess! Lucky! What is the numerological value of m, anyone know?"

"It's 13."

"And today is the 13th!" said Sirius.

And as if that wasn't enough, they could hear another pair of unlucky m's coming, and smell the mulled wine. The chaps tucked away the map.

Professor McGonagall had developed a habit of stopping for longer chats.

"Good day!" she said and began to drag her tartan slippers.

The chaps hopped off the Lady Grey, picked up their homework and straightened up.

"Good day professor McGonagall!" they said, putting on their most angelic.

McGonagall stopped, and looked at each of them.

"You wouldn't snoop in my cabinets, would you?"

"No mam!" said James.

She seemed to believe it.

"That's odd..," she said.

"What's odd?"

"Two days ago Mr Romsay told me he had found the kitchen in a state of absolute shit arse, as well as three of your aprons."

Two days ago, that was when they had made that cake and chair.

"Oh _that!"_ said James, seeing no purpose in denying it. _"_ That's when Sirius turned twelve. We wanted to make him a cake."

"Are you sure you didn't make two cakes?"

"Yes I'm sure."

"Didn't it occur to you to clean up after yourselves?"

No.

"It won't happen again," said Remus.

McGonagall looked at them in such a way, she hadn't looked at them in such a way before. There was doubt in her eyes. Doubt, although the chaps were telling the truth, and she knew it. Just not the whole truth, and she suspected it.

"That is good to hear," she said. "Because I'd hate to see you get in trouble with the Yule Lads."

"Who are the Yule Lads?" Sirius asked.

"The Yule Lads are 13 vicious little elves who punish mischievous children during the Yuletide."

Was she serious? The chaps were twelve! They didn't believe in fairy tales! They used grown-up words like 'purveyor'!

"That explains why I've never met them!" said James.

Because he wasn't a child! He was twelve, a late pre-teen! He proposed theories, and named them principles!

"The Yule Lads are based in Iceland, which I'm sure you know, is full of elves. They have completely wiped out the entire wizard race over there. It is all elves now. But the Yule Lads prey on mischief. And according to astrological reports, they sense great mischief here. This Yuletide, they are coming to Britain. In fact, they have already arrived."

"If they only target mischievous children, how can they have wiped out the entire wizard race?"

"Because over a long time, children haven't been able to survive. While the adults have only gotten older. If only the children had just listened."

The chaps felt a dark surge within.

"Remember class starts in five," said McGonagall and carried on.

"Yule Lads!" Sirius laughed. "What does McGonagall take us for?"

"I've never even heard of them!" said James.

"What's a couple of tiny elves going to do?"

"There's thirteen of them, maybe they're all called Muhammed."

"They're not called Muhammed," said Remus.

"Don't be racist they might be."

"They are called things like Stufur and Gattabefur."

"Are they all werewelves?"

"The Yule Lads are not to be taken lightly! One of them harasses sheep! Another one steals pots and pans! There's even one that slams doors very loudly!"

"Hey I have a question?"

"What?"

"Do they leave presents?"

"If you put a shoe in the window, you will get either a present or a rotten potato, depending on if you've been good or michievous. But beware! For if you get 13 potatoes, the Yule Lads will come and get you!"

Hooray free presents!


	14. Chapter 14

SILENT HEIST

14 DECEMBER THURSDAY

Duvets flew like ghosts in ghost-panic when the alarm clock rang. The chaps ran to the window, and looked in the trainers they had put there the night before.

The disappointment! James saw in his shoe a rotten potato and threw up his arms indignantly.

"Unbelievable!"

Sirius, too, saw a rotten potato in his shoe and threw up his arms indignantly.

"What did I ever do!"

Meanwhile Remus untied a brown parcel and found a red nutcracker doll. You could tell it had been manufactured in Russia because it contained an infinite number of smaller nutcrackers.

Perer had received an aniseed ball.

"How come you got a present?" James asked. "I mean, it was you who pointed out that Christmas cakes don't smell like soil. You knew where there were lamps with dead flies. Everywhere!"

"I don't know," said Remus. "Maybe there's a terrible catch!"  
"Maybe the Yule Lads decided it was an act of selflessness," Sirius thought.

"I was being selfless, too!" James insisted. "I said: where do we put Snape's soil cake? And Moony said: can't it be Slug's soil cake? And he was pretty persistent about it! He _really_ wanted to humiliate poor old Slug, who's never hurt anybody!"

"The way to be selfless is to think you are undeserving of good things. I know I am not remotely selfless. I completely deserved this rotten potato."

"Me too. A rotten potato is more than I deserve."  
"I deserve nothing!"

" _Baaaaa!"_

"That was an uncanny impression of a sheep, Wormtail!"  
"It wasn't me," said Peter.

The chaps turned back from the window. In the middle of the dorm, a sheep stared back at them, sheepishly.

"Where did the sheep come from?" James asked.

"I guess it didn't fit in Moony's trainer!" said Sirius. "That's his Yule Disco outfit sorted!"  
"But I was going to wear you," said Remus dryly.

"Your breakfast's been served! Bon appetit!"

"Thanks you look delicious."

"Oh. Ok. Look, I'm very flattered but I just don't-"

"I meant for a piece of meat!"  
"Oh, I know you meant my body!"  
Fed up with this, Remus went around the sheep and started running a brush through his hair.

"Wasn't there a Yule Lad that harassed sheep?" Peter remembered. "Hey! Wait a minute! Maybe that elf harassed _this_ sheep! And then brought it _here!"  
_ What in the world were they going to do with the sheep? It just stood there, staring at them and it was creepy! They wondered if it could get aggressive.

"I'm sure it's fine I mean it didn't bite Moony did it?" said James.

"Well of course it didn't!" said Sirius. "The sheep knows who bites who!"

A roll of socks came flying his way and bounced off his forehead. He caught it as it tumbled down his face.

Unable to recall stories of sheep aggression in the papers, James and Sirius decided it was probably safe to go around it so they could get dressed.

"What we need is a collie!" said James knowingly, pulling on a pair of woolly socks. "A border collie, ideally! Or a corgy! They are also good herders. Just about any dog, except for poodles. Poodles are only good at looking posh. Poodles are wildly reputed for their vanity and lack of intelligence."

Sirius squeezed toothpaste onto his toothbrush.

"My cousin Bella has two poodles. One time a squib was willfully trespassing on her lawn, despite the Please Trespass-sign. Marquis De Sade and Louis XIV tore him apart."

"You know what would have made that story more interesting? If it had been a sheep, and they had herded it."

"They did hear him."

Dressed, brushed, washed, the lot, the chaps set off to intake some marmelade on toast and tea. After that the day kicked off at 08:30 with some transfiguration. Transfiguration was always fun, especially around yule. Today they were turning eggs into eggnog.

"And if you think your mum's had enough," said McGonagall and demonstrated the reverse. " _Enougheggnog!"  
_ And lo, the eggnog became an egg. Sirius put up his hand.

"Does it work on Moët & Chandon?"

McGonagall put a large bottle of Moët & Chandon on her desk.

"For Moët & Chandon I recommend the following. _Gunpowder! Gelatine!"  
_ And lo, the Moët & Chandon became some gunpowder and some sheets of gelatine. Perfect for a gunpowder mousse.

The 90 minutes flew by, and so did the 90 minutes of Horrible Histories of Magic class that followed.

After that the chaps had 20 minutes to murder before algekadabra class. So naturally they whipped out their baby, in its blank state an ordinary sheet of writing parchment, attached some invisibility string to it with tape, and wrote on top of it: _I am full of secrets. Can you reveal them?_ They dropped it on the floor and took the other end of the string with them when they went to hide behind four large urns.

The first person to pass through was Slug. When he saw the sheet of parchment with the note he picked it up.

" 'I am full of secrets. Can you reveal them?' " He whipped out his wand and commanded: "Reveal yourself!" He waited. A shade of ripe strawberry spread across his face. "WHAT?! How dare you call my mother that?! What sort of dark magic is this?! I am beautiful for a sea cow? That is hurtful!"  
He tugged at it, and the chaps tugged at the other end of the string. In the end Slug was simply too insulted to bother with it any further. The chaps were choking on their own suffocated giggles.

After Slug had gone, Fletcher appeared as the next target. Heading to class, he whistled a merry tune. Until he saw it.

" ' I am full of secrets. Can you reveal them?'" He beamed with excitement, flipped it, turned it, smelled it, tasted it. "Hm. What sort of secrets?" He whipped out a magpie quill and scribbled something. "WHAT?! How dare you?! I do not smell! Well if I don't take baths it's because there are entire nations without sufficient plumbing systems! The rudeness of this! What is this sorcery? This is nothing more than a cheap copy of that toy, the Insultomax 2000! There, I just revealed your secret! Yes I did! Yes I did! Yes I _did!_ Personally I like greenhouses so I don't really see the problem. If the atmosphere really is like an entire greenhouse, how come we can't grow pineapples everywhere? 'Because your gases are causing their mass extinction'. Right then!"

He stopped bickering with the map. You could tell from his face he was performing some intense thinking work. He was wasting his time. The words couldn't be figured out, they weren't cleverly encoded or anything like that. The only way to know them was to be told them.

Then he spoke.

"I solemnly swear that I am up to no-"

Zap and thud. Fletcher was stupefied three times and toppled backwards. The chaps dashed forth and took their map from him.

"He can't have just guessed it there's no way anyone could!" said Sirius.

"Fletcher is a very good finder," said Remus.

"But...to just _guess_ it."

"He's just _that_ good."

James looked at his pocketwatch. "Well that was fun!"  
Then he gave the stunned Fletcher a long look.

"Stupefying isn't very nice, is it?"

"Not really, no."

"Well from now on I'm going to be on my best behaviour and that is the truth!"  
Remus looked relieved. "That would be a good idea. Those elves are vicious! There is one that licks spoons! Then there is one that is abnormally short! One even has a big nose!"

For the rest of the day, James and Sirius made a genuine effort to be on better behaviour. Not because they were afraid of no Yule Lad, but because they wanted to see what presents they could get out of it.

But it was that time of year when mistletraps started popping up everywhere, a kind of mistletoe that trapped the accidentally meeting in an invisible forcefield and electroshocked those trying to get out of a snog.

And then there was the sheep in the dorm. A relapse was unavoidable.

That evening the chaps brought the sheep and a mistletrap to the potions dungeons. They put the mistletrap over the door to laboratory A. Then they put some lipstick on the sheep. Then they knocked and ran behind a cupboard with a camera.

Catching Snape snog a sheep was worth dying for. Catching him snog a sheep on camera was better than Christmas. Catching everybody's reaction- including his,- when the photo was printed in both school papers- the normal one and hippie one-, it was going to be better than catching him snog a sheep without the access to a camera.

"But from now on," said James, when the chaps were in their pyjamas, going to bed, "I'm going to be good. Promise."


	15. Chapter 15

SILENT HEIST

15 DECEMBER FRIDAY

James and Sirius couldn't believe the injustice the next morning. They both received a rotten potato. _Again!_ And it wasn't just them, either. All four of them received a rotten potato in their shoe. James shook his head bitterly.

"Some people! Once they've made up their mind about somebody!"

Peter was shaking violently from fear.

"Will I be eaten by Yule Lads now?"

"No because you will get 12 rotten potatoes at most," said Remus.

Peter deflated with relief and went to the bathroom.

"I don't know why I even bother," said Sirius. "Face it, Prongs. Once you have been labelled a villain you will be forever treated as one."

"Ain't that the truth, Padfoot!" said James. "And it only makes me want to be one even more!"  
"Villain is a bit extreme," said Remus.

"The Yule Lads are counting my potatoes and _I'm_ the extreme one? They are thirstying after my blood! Well if they think I am going to beg for mercy before they slaughter me they can guess again! I shall fight them fair and square!"  
"Or, you could just take your shoe from the window."

"That would just be giving in to the oppression!"

The idea that the Yule Lads had some way of watching over them began to piss them off. The sheer disrespect in watching their every move! Some people had no decency!

But they put the Yule Lads out of their minds and got on with the morning and their academic obligations. Or they tried. But the yoghurt tasted off, fishy, and it dawned on them that today was the day of the Yule Lad called Spoonlicker.

When they turned spoons into candied apples in transfiguration class, the apples tasted of whale in everyone's mouth.

Potions class was great, 'though. Potion recipes required immaculate precision and clean equipment and it didn't occur to anybody to clean their spoon (except for the chaps, who passed it on to a few friends). All the potions Snape had going (and he always had a few cooking because he was a show-off who thought he was so great at it) were hilariously ruined, smelling of fish and looking like ambergris. All his pride, down the drain. The chaps felt their spirits being significantly elevated.

And they were brought even higher when they saw Snape and the sheep on the front page of every school paper.

So in the end a very good day so far. The spoon sabotage even forced Flitters to cancel charms class due to health and safety requirements, and he assigned everyone some random pages to read for their independent studies.

The chaps spent their independent studies in a private study room, discussing their heist tomorrow. Their good mood really fired their drive and motivation.

"So we can expect some sort of devil snare devil snare," said James. "But there's got to be more."

"Sometimes it's not a question of who, but of who knows..," said Sirius.

"You're really into this whole Warlock Gnomes fanfiction lark aren't you?"

"Professor McGonagall."

"I don't think they'll put McGonagall there, but it would be effective."

"Everything has to go through Dumbledore and that's why they also have to go through McGonagall. McGonagall has all the details, she knows the what and where."

"Of course she does. But where does she keep these details? In her mind!"

"In her mind? Excuse me, how old do you think McGonagall is? 20?"

"Her mug says: 52 is the new 62."

"Yet she doesn't look a day over 18..."

"She doesn't look a day over 81!"

"The point is that McGonagall is really old. And old people have to write everything down to remember them."

"Moony isn't old and he has to write everything down to remember them and then he doesn't anyway."

"Well remember when we established he is really a little old lady?"

The chaps agreed that it was likely that McGonagall kept a list. They needed to search her office for this list. If only there was a way they could tell, when it was a good time to search it!


	16. Chapter 16

SILENT HEIST

16 DECEMBER SATURDAY

At eight o'clock in the evening, the chaps were in the chinese torture chamber on the sixth floor, otherwise known as that broken shower.

They sparkled in their all-sequin burglar outfits, wearing their all-sequin pirate outfits underneath.

Water squirted from the broken shower pipe in all directions. James was holding the wet map.

"Now remember," he said, talking fast and film-noir. "We enter through the Mary Poppins. Then we'll be needing a desk lamp, a washing line and a how-do-you-do, sailor. Inside be Widow Twankeys which we'll be delivering the mail to using a soapbox After Eight. The Edison Lighthouse is here, which we will access using the sweet potato Et Tu, Brute. We will need to crawl through the shoe polish artichoke until we make it to the royal doulton handpainted periwinkles. Any belugas?"

"What about Dumbledore's blood sample?" Peter asked, uncertain and confused.

"Ah! Very good of you to ask! Moony brought the herpes."

"Herbarium," said Remus.

"It's cockney rhyming slang."

"Is it?"

"Yeah for herpes. But the very first thing we need to do is turn the Electric Light Orchestra until Love Grows Where My Rosemary Goes. Earth, Wind & Fire?"

Sirius put his hands on the shower knobs and began to turn them until the walls parted and a massive round opening was formed, the entrace to the Snake Pipe System.

"Now quick! We better There's Something About Her Hand Over Mine before the I'm A Lucky Fella!"

The pipe system was not to be confused with the sewage system. The pipe system had nothing to do with the sewage. It was only there for snake-keeping.

"I don't believe it!" said James, looking at the map. "There is already somebody in the pipe system! Somebody called Anna!"

"That's only one of the anacondas," said Sirius.

"Ok good."

For a minute, James had feared somebody else was also heisting tonight.

"Wait, what?"

"All these names, Anna, Piper, Addison, Conchita, Ratty, Cher. They're all just snakes.

"Anacondas are quite dangerous aren't they?"

"Hm. I suppose you're right. Were you going in first or what?"

"I was, but now... It looks like it could get really crowded! We might get stuck!"

"Look, I'll protect you, alright?"

"No, _I'll_ protect _you!_ Besides it's not about that. You know bloody well it's not about that! I just have some concerns about the space, that's all."

"You need not to. There's enough space, I mean look!"

The entrace to the pipe system was big enough for them to walk through without having to make themselves much smaller.

"I mean think about it," said Sirius. "Ancondas eat deers. An SP system needs to be big enough to fit an anaconda that is digesting a deer."

"You say SP system like it's a normal thing and not a fricken weird pipes for snakes arrangement."

"Am I going first then?"

"No I'm going first!"  
James climbed into the hole first, Sirius followed, then Remus and last Peter.

Behind them, the opening closed. Around and in front of them, curved pipe walls of rusty steel. They knew the path the needed to take and started walking.

After a while they could tell they were getting deep because shredded snake skins began to pop up.

James did not like snakes. As if it wasn't enough that he had to walk in a snake pipe system where enormous snakes were constantly chafing against a pipe somewhere, Sirius had to behave like _such_ a nerd!

"Did you know that snakes can't digest insect exoskeletons?" he asked.

"Nobody cares!"

"Can they really not digest insect exoskeletons?" Remus asked.

"I said nobody cares!"

The echoes of snakes tunnelling through the various pipes, it was like nails against a blackboard. Sirius and Remus thought it sounded like the ocean, the weirdos!

Peter whimpered, and James knew he had to be better than Peter.

It really wasn't so bad, the chafing sounds, once he got used to it. With some imagination it did sound a bit like the ocean!

But he wasn't about to stop and pick insect exoskeletons like they were shells on the beach because he wasn't a weirdo!

"Spells & Curses is looking for extras for their yule special," he said. "You guys interested?"

"When is it?" Sirius asked, dusting off a very intact scarab

"Friday."

"Oh. What time on Friday?"

"I can't remember. I think it's all day. They film every episode the day before they air it and it probably takes all day."

"But the bit they need the extras for, that can't take all day."

"I think the notice said something like be there at ten, we finish at two. Might be more, might be less. Doesn't matter! It's all fun!"  
"Yeah, but, it's a school day, if only it had been on a Saturday."

James looked back at Sirius, suspicious.

"Just who is wearing you tonight, really?"

"Sophia Loren. At some glamorous Hollywood premier. In my mind."

"You don't want to shirk next Friday, one of the least important school days of the year? We won't be doing anything important!"

"I know, but..."

"Or would you rather stay here and enchant party hats?"

"No. What do they need the extras for? What sort of scene is it?"

"Doctor Heartfeel and his fiancé are throwing a big party as a way to bring together their rivalling families and there's going to be all sorts of people there with amnesia. There is also a subplot involving a patient at the Heart & Soul Healing Center who was turned into a nutcracker and by mistake wrapped as a gift for Doctor Spellcast's child. That child was actually killed off in a previous season but now they've been teasing about bringing him back and I thought I'd audition for that part!"

"A _ha!"_ Sirius had triumph in his gaze.

"What?"

"So you act, do you?"

"Pffft! 'Act'! I just like the show and thought it would be a fun experience."

"You said acting was for poofs."  
"No I said acting was for ponces. I said ballet was for poofs. I tell you this year's yule show is going to be such a drag, since they're doing a ballet version of the Nutcracker. A ballet version! You may all thank me for rescuing you from that whenever you feel like!"

James hadn't been looking where he was going. Now one of his feet failed to find firm ground, and then the other one. Woosh it said when he plummeted down a new pipe.

Sirius hadn't been looking where he was going either.

"Oi where did Prongs gooooooooooooo..."

That was Sirius plummeting down the same pipe.

Remus likewise hadn't been looking ahead, he had only been looking for insect exoskeletons. He plummeted after Sirius. Peter saw a pair of glowing snake eyes behind him, got a near-heart attack experience and plummeted down last.

The air was surged from James's lungs and he felt a suction from within like he was sitting in a drop tower. He didn't think a single thought until he landed on a springy hammock. Then his first thought was: What is this springy hammock?

"AAAAAAAAHHHH!"

James rolled out of the way so Sirius wouldn't crush him with his landing. Then Remus landed, and then Peter landed.

"What's this springy hammock?" Sirius asked and tested the bounce.

They hadn't reached the bottom of the pipe, but nearly. They could see it curve to the right under the hammock a few meters down.

"It appears to be some kind of hammock!" said James.

"Looks like a big net doesn't it?" Bounce, bounce, bounce.

Oh crap.

A big net could only mean big spider. The thought of a giant spider made James a bit faint. He could keep his dignity intact around small spiders, but a big one...

"We knew from McGonagall's list that there was going to be a laser spider," said James. "Just out of casual curiosity, how big are they?"

Peter began to shriek at the top of his lungs.

"A SPIDER! A SPIDER!"

"WHERE?! WHERE?!"

The web under them bumped violently when Peter crawled over it, to get away from the spider.

James couldn't see it, and neither could Sirius.

Remus put down his hand on the net, palm open. A small white spider, the size of a smaller adult's fingernail, crawled onto it. And Remus delighted in it, like it had been an incredibly tiny unicorn!

James felt relief that the spider had been such a small unthreatening one. Relief and humiliation, because Sirius was looking at him with eyes where mockery was budding.

"What?" said James, cool.

"I take it you don't like spiders much either?"

"Who likes spiders much? Nobody likes spiders much! I just prefer spiders at a distance proportional to their size, that's all."

So James wasn't such a huge fan of spiders, he was hardly alone in that! Yet he really desired to punch the judgemental smirk off Sirius's face.

Remus brought the small spider close to his ear, trying to listen.

"It's not saying much."

"Rude bastard."

"Just: Eeeeeeeeeeeee..."

And here began the earlier symptoms of lunar bonkersness.

"This must be the male."

Chills down James's spine, because wasn't it common knowledge that female spiders were larger than the males? Somtimes quite a lot larger Remus put down his hand and the spider crawled off, shooting tiny red sparks as it did so. It crawled across the net to the pipe wall, climbed down it until eventually it disappeared.

"I know that wasn't a black widow," said James.

"That was a laser spider," said Remus. "But they look a lot like crab spiders! Crab spiders don't make webs. Also they can change colour to match the flower they sit on! But it takes 24 hours. They can catch very large prey just by grabbing hold of them and then suck them hollow from the inside! Another cool thing is the lifeline. The crab spider-"

"Sorry to be rude but can you shut up about the crab spider?" said James.

Then he felt something crawling on his back and began to jump around, making everyone tumble about. Sirius laughed, because it had been his hand.

"That is how most people would react!" said James, angry.

"You are not wrong."

"I thought we were heisting but clearly you would rather fool around than figure out how to get past the net!"

"I just remembered an ancient rhyme," said Remus.

"Is it the _Not so fun in the sun?"_

 _"_ No. This is the _Not a pain in the rain!"_

"How does it go?"

" _Itsy bitsy spider_

 _Climbed up the waterspout_

 _Down came the rain_

 _Not a pain in the rain!"_

Or was it a pain in the rain? Depended on the perspective.

The chaps rolled up their sleeves and cast the _Wash the spider out!_ on the web, in some spellbooks called The Tsunami, in latin _Oceanus Gigantus._ Water flooded from their wands. The melting net broke under them and they fell to the wet pipe floor. A little sore from the fall the chaps managed to scramble themselves up. They set their wands to Blowdry.

They heard pattering and scraping against the floor. Even Sirius and Remus were gripped by chills and unease. Their chins unhinged. James squeezed water from his burglar hat.

"What are you gawping at?" he asked, facing the dead-end side of the pipe.

"The giant laser spider!" Sirius gasped.

"Oh suuuure! Let me guess, it's behind me!"

"Yes! Can't you hear it?"

"I can hear you making noises like scraping, slurping, pattering, another one which I think is you trying to imitate two legs rubbing together. You're really good at ventriloquism, I give you that! Fool me one time, sod off!"

"If you're too scared to look, I really sympathise!"

"Niiiiice try! But I really have to hand it to you this time! I don't know how you're able to stand there right in front of me and lick my neck at the same time! Your tongue feels very long and thin."

"I really wish you'd just turn around and look!"

James could expect Sirius to put on a decent act, but Remus would normally keep a poker face in those situation. Now he was putting on the exact same act, looking textbook how-to-behave-when-approached-by-a-bear. Or was that a wolf? One of those didn't like loud annoying noises. That had to be the wolf then. And Peter was cowering by the wall, shaking violently and sobbing. James could feel Sirius's bony and hairy arm brush against his neck, What sorcery did they teach them at Sunday Dark Arts School?

"Oh alright! You want me to turn around, then? I'll turn around!"

James turned around.

A giant white spider, crouching under the pipe ceiling. Eight legged freak, hairy all over, wearing a crown of beady red eyes on the head. It had moving mouth bits and drooled. James had to be paralysed from its mysterious magic power, for it certainly wasn't from fear!

But whether it was fear or panic or whatever, he soon found that the paralysing effect faded pretty fast, and what remained was a faster heart rate and an alertness on overdrive. Stress, and a determination to reclaim some of the dignity he had lost tonight.

"Yes, yes! But where is the _female_ already?"

The crown of eyes lit up like Christmas lights and began to shoot laser beams in all directions, many hitting the chaps square in the chest. But since their clothes were all sequin, the laser beams bounced off them. However, one laser beam hit Peter in his exposed lower back. The laser spider began to ring like an alarm. Deafening and painful, the chaps felt the ringing cut through their brains like a serrated surgical knife. They couldn't think, they couldn't talk, they just wanted the sound to stop and for the pain to go away!

Remus rummaged through his bag of plenty and found a water bottle, unscrewed it and splashed it on the laser spider.

The moment the spider went quiet was the moment the chaps set their wands to _Waterspout Maxima Maxima,_ keeping their wand-faucets running until they had water up to their ankles and the spider began to float away.

"Do you suppose we are safe from it now?" James asked.

Further down the pipe, a giant snake came out of another in the side and washed down the spider with some of the water. James's dignity really wanted to leave him tonight!

"Yes I do," said Sirius and began to splash towards it.

For what it was worth, there hadn't been any type of snake on McGonagall's list.

The snake was blocking their path now while it was eating. How in the world were they going to get by it? Even if it was harmless, it was still huge and in the middle of a meal.

But Sirius just said a few things to it in what sounded like an obscure French dialect, or Welsh although the latter was very unlikely.

The snake couldn't really reply, because it was in the middle of swallowing the laser spider, but Sirius climbed onto its head, walked down its neck and hopped off on the other side.

It wasn't much harder than that.

When all the chaps had made it over the snake, they continued walking down the pipe.

"McGonagall would have heard the alarm," said Remus.

"Well, if Padfoot is to be believed," said James, "McGonagall doesn't like loud, annoying sounds. She's kind of like a wolf that way, or was it a bear?"

"What likes loud annoying sounds?"

"Led Zeppelin fans?"

James knew he was blaspheming hard and it gave him such a rush!

And the end of this pipe, another one ran across and up. A snake tunnelled down. Sirius pointed out the breed, way too excited, and Remus showed way too much interest. You'd think they were at a snake safari. James had to admit, 'though, that he began to develop something akin to appreciation for the legless freaks.

Then a green snake spiralled up like a corkscrew.

No, that wasn't a snake. That was some kind of plant stalk because it shot branches and leaves. This vine-like herb had to be the Devil Snare Devil Snare.

James had his wand out.

"I hope you brought sun screen!"

"Wait a minute!" Remus stopped him.

"What?

"Don't you remember? We decided that when we encounter the Daydream Believer we have to churn the butter with the Dolly Parton!"

"The hell does that mean?"

"The Fun In The Sun will only shrivel it to bits. It's better to cast the Fight Back With Jack."

"Will you stop playing The Italian Job and speak clearly, man!"

"Do they talk weird in The Italian Job?"

"I don't know I had detention that movie night."

"It's why we brought our mittens!"

"What?"

Remus had his wand out. He recited an ancient rhyme:

"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire

Jack Frost nipping at your nose

 _Fight back with Jack!"_

And lo, the Devil Snare Devil Snare became stiff from frost, no longer growing and wiggling. The chaps put on their mittens and began to climb the frozen vine until they reached the ventilation grid above.

"Please pass me the crowbar," said James, and Remus did so.

James bent open the ventilation grid and eeled inside. The ventilation system was not as spacious as the snake pipe system. The chaps would have to become snakes themselves to be able to pass through it.

Sirius eeled in after James. It looked like Peter was too fat to fit, so Remus zapped him into a frog.

Hopefully the chaps were now on the path leading directly to the Great Chamber.

XXXXX

The chamber behind the Great Hall served as Meaty's private retreating chamber tonight. James pressed his specs against the ventilation grid.

"House elves are tidying up!" James whispered.

"What?" Sirius whispered back.

"This is where we must The Kinks Lola Better Two In The Bush."

" _Oh!"  
_ One house elf was cleaning up Meaty's rum flasks, another was feeding fish to his puffin. The chaps could hear the music from the Great Hall. It went: LAAAA! LALALALA LAAAAA!

James poked his hazel, gryphon retina, through the grid and cast the Stupefy at the house elves. Then he used the crowbar to bend open the grid and pushed it up. There was some distance to the floor.

"The clear is coast."

Behind him, the sound of paper rustling. Shortly after, the feeling of a pair of small wet feet pressing down on his head. Shishi (the Kappa) hopped down from the ventilation grid, and landed like a cat on the floor. He had a dry old twig in his scaly webbed claws, beige and incredibly dead. He put it on the floor and tipped water onto it from the bowl in his head.

The dry twig began to swell and grow, turn green and spiral up towards the ventilation grid into a giant bean stalk.

James grabbed onto it, straddled a loop and rode down the stalk like it was a slide. The other chaps did the same. Once they had all made it to the floor, Remus sundried the pea stalk ( _not_ a bean stalk) and put it back in his herb album.

"I guess Wormtail turned back then?" said James.

"No, he's that toad there," said Remus and zapped him back.

"I did it this time!" said Peter.

"Couldn't you have zapped us all to toads?" Sirius asked, a little miffed to have been made to abuse his elbows for nothing!

"What kind of heist would that have been?" James argued. "Heists aren't supposed to be comfortable!"

That was true, as well as science.

The chaps gave the Great Chamber a superficial inspection. It smelled of fish. James leaned against a safe.

"Well me chaps!" he said. "A pretty succesful heist so far! Only thing missing is a safe!"

"Yes quite," said Sirius.

Quiet and pause. And music on the other side of the door to the Great Hall going: LAAAAA! LALALALA LAAAAA!

"Hey!" said Peter. "Wait a minute! I know! What about that there! Maybe THAT is the safe!"  
"That's the minibar."

"Oh."

James and Sirius stuffed as many tiny Bells flasks they could in their pants. Then they returned to the safe with chiming pants.

"I wonder what's in there!" said James.

"Maybe it's his pipe!"

"Or maybe it's his hook!"

"Or maybe it's his wooden leg!"

"Or maybe it's fluffy hand cuffs!"

Sirius rolled up his sleeves. They kept rolling down and he kept having to roll them up.

"Stand back!" he said, running his hands over the steel door. "I got this!"

"I don't think a crowbar is going to do it."

"What about my sharp intellect?"

"When are you getting one of those?"

"Before you. So, you enter the number turning the wheel here..."  
"Wow your intellect IS sharp!"

"You've seen nothing yet!"  
"I really haven't!"

"I saw on a Young Warlock Gnomes episode that there is one code that can unlock all safes! It is 5163. Because 5 looks like S, 1 is A, 6 is F and 3 is a backwards E!"

"Oh! Well if it was on Young Warlock Gnomes! Do try it!"

Sirius did and lo, he had been lied to. James delighted in his failure. Sirius began to search the nearest bookshelf.

"One time, in an episode of Young Warlock Gnomes, he cracked a password by looking in a bookshelf and there were a lot of books about Queen Victoria and the password was Vicky!"

"It has to be a number."

"I know. Hmm... Oh! I see a few books about LADY GODIVA!"

"That song doesn't exist yet."

"What song?"

"What about LADY GODIVA!"

"LADY GODIVA was the COUNTESS OF MERCIA! Hmm!"

"Who rode NAKED ON A HO-ORSE!"

Sirius did some quick letters-to-numbers numerology in his head.

"I have another code!"

And it failed, just as Warlock Gnomes had failed him.

"I saw a thing on Spells & Curses I'd like to try!" said James. "Apparently all safes can be opened with the number of the beast!"

"We only get three tries! We can't waste them!"

Cracking a safe wasn't as easy as magic tele-orb vision had made it seem.

"Maybe the code is just 1234," said Remus.

"But," said Sirius. "That's not at all clever!"

Shrug. "It's easy to remember. It was on the list."

"I don't know. It's got to be the numerological value of Rache or Kismet. Rache is revenge in German. But it is also almost-Rachel, which is kiss me in Persian."

"It's not going to be any of that!" said James.

"Is 1234 actually really clever somehow? Did something happen that year?"

"Yes it was the year Admiral Nelson murdered Rachel and stole her suitcase."

"Excellent!"

They gave 1234 as their final try, and the safe clicked anticlimatically. They opened the door, anticipating great things, loot from wrecks and far islands, a wooden chest, overflowing with gold.

Alas, no.

James reached in an pulled out a record. Happy Xmas (War Is Over.)

"Look, it's signed," he noticed.

"Oh, well in that case," said Sirius, took the single, pulled out the record and flung it in the fire. The album cover was allowed to exist.

"Some people like that song," said Remus.

"Those people are wrong."

"What if somebody did that to a song you liked?"

"Pfft like what song would that be?"

"Love Train."

"Oi what you got against Love Train man?!"

"Nothing!"  
"You're not some elitist rock and roll Led Zep humping anti-disco rock purist twat are you?!"

"No! What?"

"Threats to kill disco are NOT FUNNY! They're NOT FUNNY I tell you!"

"I don't think so either!"

"Good! Happy Xmas (War Is Over) is different. It's a shit song to shit music by the same man who wrote I Am the Walrus. Being famous and rich is no excuse to be lazy and stop caring!"

"Maybe there's some context to it, like you have to be here and know what the political climate is like to appreciate it."

"I was there. In November, when it came out and I heard it on the radio. If a song needs context to be good then it is not good."

But enough of that. Sirius stuck the album cover under a rug. Then he joined James at the door, listening to the sounds on the other side.

LAAAAAAA! LALALALA LAAAAA!

"On three then?" James asked. "And by that I really mean on 4!"

The chaps spun out of their all-sequin burglar outfits, and into their all-sequin pirate outfits. Except for Peter, who had never mastered the wardrobe spin. He had only mastered making himself dizzy. He would simply have to remove his all-sequin burglar outfit squib-style. He was wearing his all-sequin pirate outfit underneath.

And as a final detail, the chaps kicked the heels on their magic platform shoes together three times to make themselves tall enough.

They were now ready to disco!

XXXXX

Meaty was a lot shorter than the chaps had anticipated. All they saw was his pirate hat. And they only saw that because they were practically on stylts.

He was talking away, saying pirate things, and switching records while a crowd asked him to sign their bare arms and play Crocodile Rock again.

"Avast ye matey! Why do birds suddenly appear? Because of all my booty!"

"I WANT CROCODILE ROCK!"

"Oh alright then! The beast of the waterss!"

LAAAA! LALALALA LAAAA!

The chaps stood at the back of the crowd, hoping it would disperse a little. In his fantasy, James was telling Meaty many fascinating and interesting facts!

" _Meaty, did you for example know that the crab spider sucks its prey hollow?"_

He saw the giant crab spider before him and screamed a little. His chums glanced at him like he was weird. Huffily, James began to push through the crowd.

"Hey Meaty! Hey Meaty! Do you want to hear my Elton John impression? Meaty! Over here!"

Sirius wished these people would just sod off. But he didn't want to cause a _huge_ panic in the entire Great Hall. Just a small one, in this crowd.

"Werewolf!" he whispered.

The crowd dispered instantly because now it felt unsafe, even if they had just misheard.

"Yo-ho-ho I once found a crate of rum so big I lived there for a year with my secret indigenous boyfriend!" said Meaty. "Oi where did everybody go?"

"Captain Meat-Hook, hi!" said James.

The Captain looked up at him beneath his oversized hat.

"YARRR!"

"Hey Meaty! Will you sign my quaffle?" James had it under his top.

"Later! I haven't played any Christmas music tonight, only Crocodile Rock. Let me just..."

He turned back to his sloping stack of records and found Happy Xmas (War is over.)

"NO!" The chaps thought, within them.

"You play what you want!" said Sirius.

"You got that right yer sturgeon!"

"Surely you don't want to play _that!_ You said on your show that moose make better music than that!"  
"Did I? Well you know, me lads, it's Christmas. And Christmas means doing nice things for others. Scoffing yourself sick, and doing nice things for others. Many people like Happy Xmas (War is over)"

"What people?"

"People playing it, everyone that assumes it has to be good because everyone is playing it. Then there's the context, I bet the context makes it not shit. It's going to be on all Yule compilation albums from now on according to doomsday prophets so it must be good."

"But the _people!_ The _people_ doesn't want it! The _people_ likes Imagine better, as far as anti-war songs go!"

"That may be, but Imagine isn't a Christmas song. I have to play some Christmas songs."

"So play any other Christmas song. Play something from The Supremes' Christmas album. Or play all of it."

"Christmas is about doing nice things for others," James reminded Captain Meat-Hook. "The people would like The Supremes' Christmas album better than Happy Xmas (War is over), I guarantee it."

"Look I don't want to argue about this with you shrimp bait now sod off yer barnacles! I'm going to play it and that's final!"

"Who's making you? Huh? Who's making you?"

Captain Meat-Hook turned away, all dramatic like. Words began to well out of him.

"The Icelandic Gnome Mafia, _Skyr Bjork._ They funded the single. They will kill me if I don't stop thrashing it. It all started when..."

While he recounted all that, James snagged Happy Xmas (War is over), stuck it under his elbow, while Sirius reached for the nearest Top of the Pops compilation to replace it with.

XXXXX

The Yule disco was groovy, baby! The chaps were having a jolly nice time, until unwashed plates from the washing up chamber started appearing on the floor.

"What the..?" said James when he stepped on a plate with pork jelly crumbs.

Sirius nearly tripped on a scotch egg.

They weren't alone in noticing all the unscraped dishes.

"It's one of the Yule Lads," said Remus. "The one that steals leftovers. There he is now!"

An elf in peasant's clothing escaped through the great doors. Professors Sprout and Flitters came in a second after, having not noticed.

"It's one hour until midnight," said Sirius and clapped his shoes together to shrink the platforms on his shoes. "Over there!"

A group of witches were going out for a fag. The chaps removed their platform shoes altogether and escaped with them. Outside the great doors, the witches stopped and the chaps continued to the main stairs.

At the foot of the main stairs, James stopped and looked around.

"Where's Padfoot?"

He heard those witches cough, laugh and go AAAAAW! a lot. He also heard a tiny dog bark. The witches went AAAAAW! again. A black toy poodle hopped from one lap to the other, while the grade 5 witches argued whose turn it was to hug it and kiss it.

"He wants my fag!" A witch shrieked with laughter. "No, sweetie! Dogs don't smoke!"

James found it irritating that Sirius would just abandon the chaps like this when they were trying to catch a Yule Lad, just to play a cheap joke on these good and honest witches! He could have said something! If only they knew! If only they knew he was nothing more than a pervy pre-teen!

"Look at him!" said James to Remus. "Is that not the most sickening thing you have ever seen?"

Remus looked away, unable to fully conceal his own amusement.

"It's not _the most_ sickening thing I have ever seen."

"Unbelievable! Padfoot has no sense of chivalry! I am putting an end to this now!"

He marched to the girls. He knew some of their names, he knew that Sirius was currently snug in the arms of Tina.

"Excuse me, ladies. That's my dog."

All the witches smiled at him, simply because they believed Sirius to be his. If his popularity was a money box, it went chink, chink, chink.

"Oh really?" Tina asked. "What's his name?"

"Stupid idiot!"

James was the stupid idiot, as he came to realise. His money box went poof, like the sea of smiles. He wished he could take it back! These girls didn't understand!

Sirius abandoned Tina and hopped on a different lap, this time- that bastard!

Margie Pellegrino, captain of the Gryffindor quidditch team, dug her fingers deep into the little poodle's curly coat.

"Why do you call your dog Stupid Idiot?" she asked, chilly.

"No, you got it all wrong! It's affectionate! More like: Ohhh you stupid idiot you! You so silly come here!"

He tried to take Sirius from her, but he just growled at him and threatened to bite.

Stupid idiot! He knew James was trying to suck up to Margie Pellegrino! Competition was going to be tough!

Well not the competition, but captains tended to choose their friends over good players whenever there was an opening.

Now Margie Pellegrino looked at him as if to say that it was NEVER going to happen now!

"He's a biter," said James.

"No wonder, with you for an owner," said Tina.

James had no choice but to surrender, this time. Which, by the way, was not the same thing as giving up. Admitting defeat was not the same as giving up. If now Sirius wanted to take advantage of these good and honest witches there was nothing James could do to stop him. He and Remus, and Peter, would just have to go ambush the Yule Lad without him.

They had made it to the North Hall when a black toy poodle leapt into Remus's arms and an instant ring of grade 2 witches formed around him, fronted by Scherezade O'Deary, Shezza for short.

"AAAAAW!"

"Is this your poodle?" Shezza asked.

"No," said Remus, looking for an opening in the circle.

"Well she likes you!"

"Don't dogs like everybody?"

He tried to put Sirius down, but he kept leaping back.

"AAAAAAAW!"

Well blasted, Remus thought. And bastard! How come Sirius had to humiliate somebody everytime he was bored!

"Do you want to hold?"

He tried to push him onto Shezza, surely he'd be happier there. But no, Sirius wouldn't have it because that wouldn't be annoying now would it!

"AAAAAAAAW!"

This wasn't cute, why couldnt they see that?! This was unwanted behaviour and they were encouraging it! Remus began to agree with James; playing this joke just wasn't cool!

"Are you sure she isn't yours?" asked Kyoko Lopez. "We won't tell! What's her name?"

"It's Wiggles."

"Wiggles, that's cute!"

"Because she always has worms."

The ring became a half-moon and backed away, Remus could make his escape. Just in time for midnight, too.


	17. Chapter 17

SILENT HEIST

17 DECEMBER SUNDAY

After midnight. Dorm.

"I hope you had fun," said James to Sirius, a little sour but not jealous!

"What?" Sirius asked.

"The point of aniforming wasn't to impress the ladies!"

"No but we agreed it would be a bonus."

"What you did was manipulative and unfeminist!"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "You're just jelaous!"

"No. No I am not jelaous. Jelaous of what? Jelaous that I don't need to dramatically alter my apparance so girls will let me close to them? You surprise me. I had no idea you were _that_ insecure."

Jealous he couldn't hop in a girl's lap without having ten eyes out and crushing their entrails? Hardly!

The chaps were all in their pyjamas. Sirius began to look for his mirror.

"By the way, how's my face?"

It was a camouflage of lipstick smudges!

"I don't know what you mean," said James. "You _did_ shift back, didn't you? Sorry I couldn't tell your face from a pug's!"

James couldn't even fool himself. If Sirius had insecurities, they did not include his face. Sirius grabbed a towel and went to wash himself.

"I'M SORRY EVERY SINGLE GRADE 5 WITCH HATES YOU NOW!" he yelled.

"I couldn't care less what they think of me," James muttered. "If they think I mistreat animals, that animals shun me like they shun Snape..."

"I can put you back in their favour," Sirius came out of the bathroom, his face smudge free. "That is if you want that, unless you respect them too much, or it's against your latent feminism..."

Behind his specs, James's eyes widened in hopeful anticipation.

"After potions class?" They always met some of those grade 5 witches after potions class because that was when their potions class started. "In front of Margie Pellegrino? And Snape?"

It was past midnight, so where was the yule lad? They were anticipating the yule lad Bowl-Licker. Bowl-Licker liked to hide under beds and lick bowls. Therefore Remus had put a bowl of porridge under his bed.

"Any luck with the porridge?" James asked.

Remus got down on the floor and looked under his bed, hoping to spot a yule lad among all the monsters. An elf looked back at him, an elf licking a bowl. Sirius got down on the floor as well.

"Just what do you think you're doing?!"

"I hide under beds and lick bowls!" the yule lad replied defiantly.

Sirius wrestled the bowl from him and tossed it across the floor. The yule lad shot after it.

"My bowl! My bowl!"

He got hold of the bowl and continued cleaning it out.

"Don't you have some potatoes to deliver?" James asked.

"I already have."

The chaps looked towards the window. Newly added potatoes appeared to sparkle in the row of trainers. Well maybe not.

"What's your problem, man?!" Sirius asked. "Why you been putting potatoes in our shoes?"

"Because you have been mischievous! Duhh!" said the yule, scraping the inside of the bowl with his finger. "That's how it works around Yule! Mischief is punished. It is to encourage children to be good."

"But isn't it hypocritical," said James, "that you, being in a team of mischievous yule lads, punish _other_ mischievous lads?"

The yule lad's mouth opened and closed a few times, as he searched for a retort. He lowered his bowl very slowly, as the insight dawned on him.

"I've never even thought about that. But it's what I do. It's what I've always done. I can't just stop doing it."

"Sure you can what hobbies you got?"

"Hiding under beds and licking bowls."

The yule lad looked genuinely confused. His world, shaken. He had fear in his eyes.

"Oh why did you lads have to say this to me? I was always the weaker one. I was always the one who asked: aren't we being too harsh? I mean they are just children! Being made to be donkeys, forever..."

"Sorry what?"

The yule lad stood up, his back straight and dignified.

"Thank you, for opening my eyes. Now I know what's right. I have licked my last bowl. Now I have to go to some far island, where they'll never find me. There I shall find me a nice native man. I'm sorry I couldn't give you anything but potatoes."

He threw his sack on his back and in a flash later he was standing at the window. A cold breeze and snow stirred up the dust. The wind whistled.

"Good bye then. I best be off. Watch out for the final yule lad!"

And in a second flash, he was gone. James closed the window with the necessary force.

"Well guess who didn't get a potato this time around either!" he said when he found a gilded walnut in Remus's shoe. "For you, because... a surplus of karma, I guess."

"I don't believe it!" said Remus, staring at the nut.

"But then, it was you who provided the yule lad with a bowl of porridge. I think he really appreciated you choosing a really nice bowl."

"A crack-a-tooth!"

"Is that like a jaw breaker?"

"It's the russian gilded nut." Remus felt the weight of it. "Each shell contains a smaller shell, until eventually a very tiny grandmother appears, with the actual nut."

"Awesome."

"Is it ok if I try to crack it?"

"Why are you asking me? It's your crackpot."

"I'm sure the yule lad wanted us all to have it."

"And I suppose that's why you have recieved so few potatoes."

"And you so many," said Sirius.

"You should have recieved two potatoes tonight, after what you did to those girls."

"Did what? Make them smile? Laugh? Happy? That is a reward in itself. I don't need any other."

"I saw where you put your paws you got your reward."

Remus sat down, stuck the nut between his teeth and bit into it. Cracking it with his teeth would have been an impressive feat, had he not chipped a fang while the nut remained unscathed.

"Frockin frock!"

"Way to show off! Why didn't you use the nutcracker?" Sirius asked, pocketing the chipped fang.

Remus seemed to search his memory.

"Oh yeah!" He opened his top drawer, and found the nutcracker.

He cracked a few shells, and became slightly addicted.

But it was very late, and time for beddy byes.

XXXXX

The yule fair had come to Hogsmead Town for the weekend. Market stalls, selling yule ornaments, fragrant confections. A few attractions such as a merry-go-round, bouncy castle, pony flying.

The chaps were walking along in sweet clouds, debating whether at the age of twelve they were already too old for merry-go-rounds and bouncy castles or not, whilst sharing a giant candy floss, until they wandered into a section of tents.

"If you're too old for merry-go-rounds and bouncy castles," said James to Sirius, "you'll probably want that tent over there. The Mistletoe Tent- Have a ten minute snog with the person of your dreams!"

"I know an Erised pillow vendor that would be right up your alley!"

"I'm sure you know an Erised pillow vendor!"

One of the tents had a boastful sign that said: NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART.

"Let's go in there!" said James.

"You are _so_ easily manipulated!"  
And below it, the sign said: Meet the three yule ghosts!

"What's all that about!" James wondered.

"I can explain everything," said a lady wearing lots of shawls and beads, with a distinct yugoslavian accent. "In there are three ghosts. They are the ghost of yule past, ghost of yule present, and ghost of yule future."

"And what part of that is not for the faint of heart?"

"Being confronted with one's future can be a very shaking and overwhelming experience, especially for those who haven't lived ethically and suffer from guilt."

"I have lived ethically and I have never felt guilt about anything."

"Then you have nothing to fear."

"I literally have nothing to fear!" He felt a crawling tickle on his shoulder and swung around in panic. "Damn you! Can't you think of anything new?"

"Ok I will think of something new," said Sirius.

James dug in his pockets.

"I want to meet these ghosts! How much?"

"One gold piece," said the lady. "But be warned! For the ghost of yule past will remember the things you have suppressed, the ghost of yule present will show you in a different light than your own, how you are percieved, and the ghost of yule future will show you the horrible consequences you will face if you don't change your ways!"

James paid the lady and went inside the tent.

XXXXX

Dark, at first, Then light. James appeared to have gone back in time to pre-Hogwarts days. He was in Jekyll Park with his Bichon Frisé Winner, training the dog sport he had invented, Dogditch. Basically making a dog sit on a broomstick and do tricks. The time and weather was of the sort that allowed him to have this chunk of the park to himself, a rare treat. He would have liked to have an audience, 'though.

"Aaand jump! Aaaand jump! Aaand jump!"

If he had known before starting Latin Grammar School that wearing thick glasses and braces was an invitation to be picked on, he would have invented something better, like dog karate. Once the word had gotten out that he was also highly allergic to nuts, that was his reputation forever ruined and his fate as wand-less victim sealed.

When he heard Roderick Cream and Ian Nugget, his instinct was to try and wake up. But he was as if trapped in a bad dream that he couldn't wake up from, despite knowing that it wasn't anything more but a dream.

Roderick and Ian said some nasty bully things like "Hey four-eyes!" and calling his sport stupid and lame, Winner was a fruity looking dog that could be used to clean the insides of your ears with after a bath and that seriously hurt. Because it was true. He was no labrador or rottweiler of mastiff or something badass, something that could have scared them shitless. But James still loved that son of a bichon frisé.

"Your dog looks stupid and so does your glasses!" Roderick and Ian jeered.

Roderick used his dad's wand to pin James to a tree. A rottweiler or mastiff would have torn him and Ian apart, but Winner appeared to have flown off on the Diamond Lucy.

Ian grinned a stupid grin, because he was a bully with little to no depth.

Or so it seemed...

But to James, there was no depth to these chaps. They were both ugly to booth, Roderick had long greasy hair and Ian had a big nose and beady eyes and yellow teeth. Ian removed James's glasses and broke them under his shoe and then he and Roderick had a laugh at how blind James was now, and he really couldn't see anything but grey, he was as good as blind.

"Let that be a lesson to you!" Roderick yelled. "It's a dog-eat-dog world! It's bully or be bullied!"

"That is how I became bully!" Ian shouted.

"Me too, Ian! Me too!"

Then something scared them off, some random adult on a jog, and they made their escape. James felt things. He felt humiliated, he felt vulnerable and he knew that as soon as he went to Hogwarts, this was not going to happen.

Then he was knocked in the head by his Diamond Lucy.

The whole episode with Roderick and Ian had felt like a dream, and now it felt like that dream was transitioning into another dream. And James realised that Roderick and Ian had been the ghosts of his yule past, his freudian ghosts.

"Huh!" he thought as he realised this. Then he never wanted to think about them again.

Next thing he knew, he was in one of the potions labs. He was looking in a cauldron when somebody pushed him away from it.

"Get away from my potion!" said a greasy voice with big flopping nostrils.

Snape looked in one of his potions and made some notes. James began to wonder: was Snape the ghost of his yule present? Shittest present ever, a Snape! Shitter than a bag of shit! Some ghost-strength he had, 'though. Snape didn't usually resort to physical violence because he was _sooooo brainy!_

"I am the ghost of your yule present," he said, his voice nasal. "Oh get over yourself you arrogant prick! I bet you thought I took some time off to be a ghost for you! Get real! I'm just your imagination. So Roderick and Ian were mean to you! Boo frickin hoo! And now you have to take it out on me!"

He could get real, James thought. Snape wasn't just ugly as hell, he was a massive git. Everything he got, he had coming.

"Hang on," said James. "Am _I_ the ghost of _your_ yule present?"

"Oh my God how arrogant are you?! Of course you're not my ghost of yule present, get real! You really think I give two bags of shit what you think? Seriously... How did I even get in this tent..?"

James began to see things. Visions. Visions of Snapes's past.

"Oh my God! Do you have the worst dad ever! AHAHAHAHA! Boo frickin hoo!"

"Now look here! You are a massive twat and you need to change your ways!"  
"And you are a massive git and you need to change your ways!"

Now that they had received their ghosts of their yule present, and fulfilled their duties as eachother's ghosts of yule present, the dream could dissolve. James had no recollection of his most recent dream.

His final dream took place at a funfair. Not the Hogsmead one, a bigger one. He saw a roller coaster, a drop tower, a ferris wheel, a spooky train, and a swing ride, to name those he could name. He believed this to be his yule future, him entering heaven!

"Sweet! I knew it! What's with all the donkeys?"

There were donkeys everywhere. No children, but a lot of donkeys. Donkeys with cigars in their mouths. One donkey nudged James in the back. The saddest donkey he had ever seen, with sad donkey eyes, making sad donkey cries. It headbutted him towards the gates. James saw that it had a cigar in its mouth.

"Stupid donkey! What are you doing? I'm pretty sure donkeys shouldn't smoke!"

He took the cigar. He had never held a cigar before, and he wanted to try it. The donkey became hysterical. It cried and kicked back its legs.

"What's your problem? Stupid ass!" It was like it wanted its cigar back. "You have an addiction problem now frock off!"  
James put the cigar in his mouth and inhaled. His throat began to itch intensely, he couldn't stop coughing. He grabbed a passing pint of beer and downed it to ease the itch.

"Oh man this place is awesome! I so wish Padfoot was here! He would love all this!"  
He smoked and drank some more, and really enjoyed not enjoying it.

"Now I believe in karma!" he said, throwing away his empty beer glass and running a hand through his long woolly ears.

Long woolly ears? Was he aniforming? He couldn't feel any magnificent antlers, only long woolly ears.

Until his hands became hooves, his face a nozzle and before he knew it he was furry allover, on all four, unable to utter anything but ass cries.

What could have been a rather amusing experience felt like his worst nightmare, especially when a pack of elves came out of nowhere and bound him in a thousand ropes.

"Stop moaning, cigarette dispenser!" they laughed. "That's what you are going to be now!"  
XXXXX

Boom the three hours were up. James fell out of the tent and crashed into Remus.

"I finished the candy floss!" said Peter, holding the clean paper cone that remained.

"How was it?" Remus asked.

"I love candyfloss!"

"And how was the tent?"

"Oh... great." James felt his head for ears, no ears, his nose, no nozzle, he looked at his hands, he tried to get a look at his butt. "Look at my butt! Notice anything weird?"

"Not really."

"Do you see a tail?"

"Oh yeah, there's a tail."

"WHAT?!"

"I'm joking!"

"Not funny!"

He felt his butt some more, and couldn't feel any tail. He was so relieved. He didn't know why the final dream had impacted on him so strongly.

When Sirius came shooting out of the tent he gave himself the same body check. No ears, nozzle, hooves.

"How's my butt, guys? Is my butt magnificent?"

"Did you also see donkeys?" James asked him.

"Yes!"

Their relief manifested in such physical exhaustion it looked like they had finished a marathon. They were obsessed with their own butts, as well as eachother's.

"What happened?" Remus asked.

"Did you go in the tent?"

"Yes."

"Were there donkeys?"

"No."

"No donkeys in your ghost of the yule future?"

"I'm pretty sure there weren't any donkeys."

"What did you see then in your ghost of yule future?"

"Nothing special. There was a bee farm, I think. What I remember the most is that Dumbledore was my ghost of yule present. I know that was all my imagination, but with Dumbledore it's like, you can't be sure! Maybe he really was there! But no, he's too busy."

"Some people get so religious about Dumbledore, I really don't understand why."

"I wouldn't call it being religious."

"I know _you_ wouldn't."

"It's like Dumbledore once said: just because you think something is real, doesn't mean you're not just imagining the whole thing."

"McGonagall was my ghost of yule present. She was livid. I think a donkey might have been my ghost of yule future. An ass in glasses."

The fair was beginning to pack itself up. It was time to think about going home, as the chaps said.

"So you both saw donkeys?" Remus asked.

"Mine was smoking a cigar," said James.

"Ohh..."

"It's ok because I confiscated it. But then I became a donkey!"

"That is bad..."

"It was only a dream!"

"Hopefully so."

Smoking and drinking and becoming an ass, James and Sirius couldn't understand why they had reacted the way they had. It really was nothing more than a silly dream that meant nothing.

OR SO THEY THOUGHT.


	18. Chapter 18

SILENT HEIST

18 DECEMBER MONDAY

James and Sirius were dropping off their enchanted party hats after school.

"So Margie Pellegrino said to Ursula Vulture," said James like it was juicy gossip, or at all interesting,"you can talk the talk, but can you-"

"Wait, what epsiode of Spells & Curses was this?"

"Not Spells & Curses! Margie Pellegrino said to Ursula Vulture-"

"What band are they in?"

"They are captains, Padfoot! Margie Pellegrino is the captain of the Gryffindor team, and Ursula Vulture is the captain of the Slytherin team!"

"Oh, right."

"So, Margie Pellegrino said to Ursula Vulture-"

"I didn't know you were so into chess."

" _Quidditch_ teams!"

"Ohhhh."

"Margie Pellegrino said-"

"Was this before or after the amnesia?"

"After. Margie Pellegrino regained her memory and said to Ursula Vulture: You may be good at cooking up an amnesia potion and put it in my energy drink bottle, Ursula Vulture. But what say you to a game of roman quidditch? Roman rules! One chaser, four beaters and no snitch! Just six bludgers and one quaffle between us! Ursula Vulture said: You got taste for amnesia, Margie Pellegrino! You're on!"

"Four beaters?"

"I know, ríght!"

"Electric?"

"What?"

"And the beaters are for making waffles?"

"Shut up."

"How many eggs each?"

"They are going to play it now in the gym, do you want to watch with me?"

"Will there be cooking?"

"No!"

"Then pass."

"But it's going to be so dangerous! The roman rules were forbidden because people DIED! It's all in Quidditch Through the Ages and that is a movie I would be genuinely interested in."

"That is vaguely interesting, but I really can't."

"What do you mean you can't? Are you busy or something?"

"Well actually the thing is... Look, I'm a chap! I have needs!"  
"The bath is yours."

"The truth is I have to see a woman."

"Now when you say 'woman'..."

"Hey what can I say? Girls are sooo immature."

"Seeing McGonagall without me? Whatever for?"

"I want her to know there is a different side to me."

"I'm pretty sure the tails are really gone."

So James had to go and watch the roman quidditch without Sirius this time.

The truth was that Sirius really was seeing a woman. But not Professor McGonagall. Her name was Ivana Rusnikova and she was the drama supply teacher from Moscow. For the end-of-term Yule show she was putting up The Nutcracker and the Mouse King.

She was also Sirius's former ballet tutor and therefore she had really pushed him into taking part in the amateur ballet, even if he was merely mouse soldier 3. He didn't even have his own dance solo, which was probably for the best.

The ballet cast was rehearsing in a different gym. Thud, thud, thud, as ballet dancers did grand jetes across the floor. Few Hogwarts students had trained ballet, so the cast was largely comprised of exchange students from Bearclaw.

"There you are," said Ivana Rusnikova when Sirius came into the gym in ballet shoes and tights mid-rehearsal. "I have bad news. Billy Elliot fell and broke his ankle. He can't be in the show. That's why I am promoting you to lead actor."  
"Me? Lead actor?"

"You will be the Nutcracker-turned-dashing prince. You have what it takes."

Anywhere else in the world and Sirius would have swelled with pride.

"Mrs Rusnikova..."

"ARABESQUE! Now you listen to me, Sirius. You have that special something. A gift. You hadn't done ballet for two years until it was decided that I decided to put up this show. Yet you do ARABESQUES! with no effort. It takes courage for a chap to do ballet and ARABESQUES! There are those that might laugh at you. Some boys might call you a bloody poofter. Your father, disapproving, thinks you should be working in a MINE!"

"He'd sooner see me die."

"Than see you working in a mine."

"Than see me."

"It is important for you to remember that the only thing that matters is what the girls think. And girls love chaps who do ballet. Because chaps who do ballet might be gay and there's a potential gay best friend, all girls want one. Then again they might not be and girls love chaps who are confident enough in their masculinity to challenge gender norms."

"Really?"

"Yes because it means you are likely to be a gentle lover."

"Wow!"

"Wow indeed. You just remember that if anybody should call you a bloody poofter."

"I will Mrs Rusnikova!"  
"I'm glad."


	19. Chapter 19

SILENT HEIST

19 DECEMBER TUESDAY

Sirius had the magical crafts classroom all to himself tonight.

He had fashioned himself a nutcracker mask from a tube of paper and some plaster. And now he was selecting his colours, using the nutcracker doll as reference.

He was still wearing the nutcracker outfit from the dress rehearsal, a red sergeant pepper-y type affair with gold shoulder brushes, and with that tights and ballet shoes. With tights to show off those leg musclessss! Which was all well and good. But on Friday, his face needed to be hidden at all costs.

So he was doing that, and listening to , when the door went up. He thought it was James, back from roman quidditch. Sirius remembered he hadn't worked out an excuse! Oh well! He would just have to be honest, then!

"Have you seen the- Oh."

But it was Remus, up with the owls, not having run a single brush through his hair today. He saw the nutcracker doll.

"Nevermind."

"You can have it back."

"It's fine. No rush."

"I don't need it anymore."

"I was just wondering where it was. And now I know," he turned back to the door. "See you...around what are you," his eyes fell on Sirius's feet, that were on the table, "wearing... ballet shoes?"

He blinked a few times, because sometimes that made the Christmas pudding heads go away or something. He asked no questions, probably dismissing it as another glam thing.

"I'll leave you to it."

"So you weren't going to crack your nut some more?" Sirius asked.

"Nah."

"Because you can do that here can't you?" He pulled out a chair beside him. "If you want. If you brought it."

Remus took the invite. He had brought the gilded nut and got cracking, collecting bit of shells in a neat pile. Sirius felt the mask to see if the plaster had dried. Remus watched him mix colours for the skin.

"Are you in the show?"

"I was promoted from mouse soldier 3 to lead actor yesterday."

"Lead actor, in The Nutcracker? Was it going to be a surprise, that you're in The Nutrcracker?"

"Nobody is going to know I'm in the Nutcracker, that's what I'm working on now. Except for the cast. Nobody can know... that I do ballet..."

" _You_ do _ballet?"_

"Did. I quit two years ago. And now..."

"Huh. I hear it's so demanding. For you to just pick it up after two years of not doing ballet... But meh, it's only a school production."

"Look, I have a gift, ok?"

"At what age did you start?"

"I was four when I was bitten... By the bug I mean! The ballet bug. Except not really. What was I, six, or two? I wish it had never happened... Because it felt like I lost my childhood except not at all! So many moons ago... Suns! Suns! Felt like it was my fault...Because I did ask for it! And I mean literally, I was given a few choices. What we're really talking about is Earth spins. I can't remember, at six months you can't remember shit anyway. Look at me and my big problems..."

"Why can't anybody know that you do ballet?"

"Because... they'll call me things..." Sirius felt so pathetic.

"Who will?"

"Prongs.

" _Prongs_ will call you _things?"_ And it didn't helpt that Remus looked at him like he was an absolute moron.

"He's called me things!"

"I know he's called you lots of things!"  
"But this is different! He'll call me... a bloody poofter."

The pause that followed went on for a little too long.

"Which I am not!"  
"I never thought you were."

"You're probably thinking: If he's not a bloody poofter, how come he cares so much? Only a bloody poofter would!"  
"That is not what I'm thinking."

"Isn't it?"

"However, should you decide you are a bloody poofter-"

"Frock off! I'm not a bloody poofter because I'm bi, so there."

Remus had his head on the table and his arms under it.

"That can't be it. You caring that anybody calls you a bloody poofter, when you paint your nails and wear glittery eye shadow and want to get a perm like a barky polar bear..."

"Mark Bolan."

"And your saucy picture taken by Morky Mork."

"Mick Rock. And that's not being a bloody poofter, that is very rock and roll."

"I know, but I thought you said the whole point of all that was to upset people. Anyway. "HEAVY YAWN. "The ballet... What are the chances of somebody recording it?"

"You can record it if you want, you can use my camera."

"It's this Friday, is it not?"

"At three."

"Sushashame I'm going to miss it...I've always wanted to see the Nutcracker and aaaall his bubblegum fairies..."

"Sugarplum fairies."

"Hmmmmmm..."

And that was Remus falling asleep, perhaps to sweet dreams about bubblegum fairies.


	20. Chapter 20

SILENT HEIST

20 DECEMBER WEDNESDAY

During the day, James and Sirius took turns cracking the crack-a-tooth. Starting in the morning, and continuing during the day when they could get away with it. It was very monotonous, and very habit forming.

They didn't know why they did it, they hadn't been asked to and as far as they knew there was absolutely no point to it.

"It just never ends, does it?" said James in the afternoon, sitting on his bed, crunching away. "Is the game that it doesn't end?"

"That's the way of Russian nuts I am told," said Sirius. "Somewhere in there is a very tiny grandmother, with an even tinier nut."

"And somewhere in this nutcracker doll," James was down to a matchstick sized one, "is a nutcracker doll so small we'll need a microscope to find it." Crunch. There was no telling how long they'd be doing this for.

Sirius picked up one of his cats and began to groom him.

"When Mrs Rusnikova got her first grandchild, she could unscrew herself at the waist, and inside, was a smaller Mrs Rusnikova."

"Who is Mrs Rusnikova?"

"Err..."

"The supply drama teacher from Moscow?"

"Yes."

"I saw that. That was cool."

It was past four and already dark, nearly pitch black outside the window.

"I think I'll get started on some of that homework actually," said James, putting away nutcracker and nut. "Even if we don't need to hand anything in until next year."

"Can I have a go at cracking the nut?" Peter asked.

"No you can't it's too dangerous," said Sirius.

"It's not dangerous," said James. "I for one don't undestand what's so dangerous about it."

"You have to get perfect halves."  
"The first ones don't have to be perfect halves. I for one have cracked lots of not perfect halves."  
"Then you are a menace and a danger."

"As have you, as have Moony. Nothing's happened. Only the final shell has to be cracked in perfect halves."

And so Peter got to have a go at cracking the nut. When Sirius was done grooming the cats that were currently indoors, he, too, got started on some of that homework. He knocked his ballet shoes off his bed to make room.

"Are they your ballet shoes?" James asked.

"Yup."

"Is it some glam thing?"

"David Bowie wore ballet shoes on Top of the Pops, that's why."

Tonight was a fullmoon night. The average person couldn't tell a fullmoon from an extremely waxed gibbous. Then there were times when the fullmoon appeared to hang in the sky all day, that could be confusing.

But thankfully, the chaps needed not concern themselves with the astronomical fullmoon, only the magic fullmoon. And the magic fullmoon only lasted for one hour after midnight on every fullmoon night. That was all there was to that.

James and Sirius weren't terribly inspired to get up to any mischief. So they merely passed the hours listening to the radio and playing 20 questions until it was time to leave. James got off the floor.

"Shall we?"

"Sure."

"How cold is it? Will I need my coat?"

"I'm doing layers. It's the way to isolate."

"Well you got natural muffs but your backside is all skin and ass pom poms."

"My backside is not all skin and ass pom poms I don't know who's backside you've been looking at."

"You should probably wear ass warmers."

"You should probably wear a bag."

They were dressed and ready to go when they found that Peter was nowhere to be seen. James looked in the bathroom, he wasn't there either.

"Where did he go then?"

"Probably chickened out. I don't think he ever wanted this."

"Oh well."

They'd manage anyway. They could grab a stick, they could grab Shishi the Kappa, they could even grab Sirius the toy poodle.

Which James secretely hoped because he was seriously so cute it hurt.


	21. Chapter 21

21 DECEMBER THURSDAY

The nutcracker mask had a fatal flaw. Sirius couldn't do a grand jete in it, it was too heavy. He was back in the magical crafts room, pondering how to better distribute the weight, when the door went up. Before he knew it he fell victim to a squeeze deadlier than that of the devil snare devil snare!

"Oh thank you!" said Remus. "I just can't believe you did that!"

" for?"

"That thing, you saw in some anime..."

"It wasn't an anime, there was a similar thing on Spells & Curses."

"Something about animals and immunity. I'm guessing it's not the meditation that is finally paying off."

"Well I don't know... It's like Dumbledore says, when you think something is real, you are probably just tripping."

Remus let go and looked him square in the face.

"You would really be screwing with my mind right now..." He plucked a pine needle from Sirius's hair.

"I completely forgot to take a bath today!"  
Because he had felt so clean!

"I'm just forever indebted now," said Remus.

"Jesus! Indebted! You make it sound like I just gave you a kidney! If it ever comes to that, then maybe we can talk debt and slave arrangements. Honestly it's only mucking about and a way to be snogged by ten witches at once. Now my mask is finished. What do you think?"

"You're still doing that?"

"Tomorrow everybody is going to be made to go to the Great Hall and watch the ballet and think: Oh God the ballet what a bore, what a bunch of poofters. And then I'm going to wow them with my amazing skills and swift feet and rock hard thighs. Everybody is going to be so amazed, they will think: Wow! I can't believe it. Who'd have thought ballet could be so beautiful and not just for poofters and snobs? That's when I remove the mask and go: HAHA! It was ME! Then everybody will be so impressed and shit. I will have brought ballet to the masses."

Sirius gave the mask a triumphant pat on the head.

"In that case," said Remus and picked up the mask and felt its weight, "That is heavy. What's it made of?"

"Plaster and bricks."

"Why are there bricks in it?"

"You don't like bricks?"

"Isn't it very heavy?"

"Yes a puff of air could literally blow me over, with those bricks."

"So maybe... not bricks?"

"You're really not a fan of bricks, are you? What do you propose, then? Straw?"

Wow Remus really felt that sense of debt very strongly for he took his hand off his wand.

"What are the bricks for?"

"I put the bricks in under the padding to make the mask stable and not slide all over. I thought that if I distributed the weight evenly, it would be fine."

The door went up again. This time it was James who was merrily coming through it.

"Hey chaps! Guess who just survived a pretty brutal game of roman quidditch? Is this the most massive bruise you what seen or have ever?" He pulled up his jumper to show. "It was me against Moran, which was disappointing because I would have liked to play an actual opponent. I'm guessing he thought he would hurt my chances if he let all the goals in. But Margie Pellegrino implied that my referee days may very soon be over! Oof my side hurts. At least did he blow the took to head me and not. Down sit I better."

He pulled out a chair and sat down. "Pomfrey wouldn't waste expensive healing potions on me because it's not severe enough and she thinks it serves me right. What's going on here then? What you guys up to?"

Remus threw his arms around him and squeezed him tight, brimming with the sincerest gratitude.

"Mainly that," said Sirius and flipped his mask upside down and began to take out the bricks.

"This has been the best day of my life," said Remus and let go.

"Has it really? Wow!" James pushed his specs back up. "We haven't gotten a The Pong Machine, have we? It's been a pretty good day for me also. But if by any chance this has anything to do with the recreational stroll we shared in the night... Honestly it was less than nothing."

"Less than nothing? You're just saying that to be cool. Don't act like it wasn't a serious gamble."

"With no respect," said Sirius, "But you think cracking nuts is a serious gamble, so it's difficult to take your threats seriously."

"It's not a threat."

"But that's the very point of the Principle of Animmunity that I invented," said James. "There aren't any werewolf-badgers because werewolves only attack people. See, the logic is flawless. You doubted me, Padfoot. You wanted to test out my theory with a wall of badgers. Thankfully no badgers were harmed."

"But Prongs," said Sirius, "If werewolves only attack people, why did we decide to do this in the first place? What would have been the benefit? Apart from me getting to snog ten witches at once, of course, that was always the main reason for me. Fish isn't part of a a cat's natural diet but they will eat it. Cats in the wild don't chase laser dots!"

James blinked a few times.

"We are not talking about cats, Padfoot! Maybe I need to run my Principle of Animmunity by you again. Werewolves only attack people period!" COUGH! "Andundersomecircumstancesthemselvesaswellaslivestockandleporids." COUGH!  
The point was that they were all feeling well and nobody had gotten hurt. The Principle of Animmunity had to be true, even if it didn't make absolute sense.

"I will have caught up with all the classes by the end of the week," said Remus. "So far McGonagall and Flitwick have been willing to give me some future assignments as well as the pages we'll be reading for the next four months. So I think I will go and deal with all that. Where is Wormtail anyway? Was he with you?"

"No he wasn't," said James. "We haven't seen him since yesterday."

"Since...yesterday?"

"OH MY GOD YOU ATE HIM!" said Sirius. "No you _didn't!"_

"Have you looked?"

"Where in your stomach?"

"On the map!" The sense of debt was wearing out very fast.

" _Oh._ No I've just been way too busy."

"It's a bit weird," said James. "But I'm sure he'll turn up. At least McGonagall has been alerted of it."

"Did you alert McGonagall?" Remus asked.

"Didn't really need to, she noticed he didn't turn up today, didn't she? I'm suuure he's just... Hey I know, why don't we have a look now?" He felt himself for the map. "Looks like I don't have it on me. Do either of you?"

Sirius didn't, and neither did Remus.

"I'll have a look," said Remus.

He was on the go, when James picked up the nutcracker mask.

"Is this a prop from the show tomorrow? That dreary ballet! Thank God we won't be there to see it! The Spells & Curses thing is tomorrow. We're still doing that, right?"

"Well actually," said Remus, "I've always wanted to see the Nutcracker."

"Have you? We'll have time for both! Oh!" James saw all the bricks on the table.

Sirius had his feet on the table and James saw his ballet shoes and his tights. He began to piece it all together!

"Now I see! I see what's going on here!"

"Do you?" Sirius asked.

"You're going to put the bricks in the mask, so when the chap whose mask it is wears it tomorrow, he is going to fall over and hurt himself! That is hilarious! What a great idea!"

"That is a great idea..," Or it would have been, had the chap not been the chap he was.

"Mate I can't believe you haven't told me!"

"What are you talking about I have told you, you just haven't listened."

"And this is where you hide them, under the padding! Brilliant!"

James rushed the bricks back in the mask in such a way he wouldn't have done, had he put in the hours making it.

"I have a better idea!" said Sirius, taking the bricks out. "What if we stole the mask! So that tomorrow, Billy Elliot will have to perform _without_ the mask!"  
James chewed on the idea, not immediately super impressed at first.

"Let's stuff it with glue and feathers!"

"Yes! But it has to wait until tomorrow, because the glue will dry."

They were done here. In the dorm, James and Sirius found one half of Remus sticking out from under Peter's bed. Soon they also found the other half, when it came out with a small nutcracker doll. It was the size of his index finger and stríkingly chubby.

"Oh no," he mumbled when he couldn't find a seam at which the doll could be twisted open. "It's the final one."

"Was there a grandmother?" James asked.

"I missed it. Do you know where the crack-a-tooth is?"

"Wormtail had it last. We all took turns cracking it."

"He must have cracked the final shell, and cracked it wrong. If it doesn't crack in perfect halves, this happens. He has become this nutcracker. And it takes a crack-a-tooth to upheave the enchantment."

"I said it was too dangerous," said Sirius, unstringing his ballet shoes. "But did anyone listen?"

There were bits of shell remains on Peter's bedside drawers, as well as bits of the nut. It was broken and therefore useless. The chaps could only hope that the yule lads would bring a new one.


	22. Chapter 22

SILENT HEIST

22 DECEMBER FRIDAY

It came to pass that on this morning, Sirius got up first some 10-15 minutes before the alarm clocks were set to ring. He washed his face and took his toothbrush to the window and watched the frost fairies paint it. He wished for some serious weather chaos, the sort that would break all public transportation. The odds looked good.

He turned his back on the window and accidentally knocked a potato to the floor when he leaned against the sill. Not surprising because there were potatoes all over it. Sirius couldn't wait for his thirteenth potato!

Then his heart sank!

Something had gotten in his shoe that wasn't a potato!

"Ohh nooo," he moaned.

Because he had on recent nights unknowingly actually recieved a few presents. One of them was a plastic ball with a sticky hand inside.

James wasn't getting his thirteen potatoes either.

With a sudden sense of urgency, Sirius gathered all the alarm clocks and chucked them outside. Then he parted the curtains around Remus and shook him violently. His eyelids twitched.

"Wake up! You have to see this!"  
Remus slugged out of bed while Sirius parted the curtains around James's bed. He never slept with his spectacles on.

"Look what I got in my shoe," said Sirius quietly and flicked the sticky hand at the floor.

"That's cool," said Remus, rubbing sleep from his eyes.

"Check this out."

Sirius took the spectacles from James's bedside drawers and placed the sticky hand on top, making sure to spread out each finger. "Can you get me a hairbrush and some tape?"

"There's a hairbrush right there but I will get you some tape."

Sirius dug some hair from James's hairbrush and waited for Remus to bring the tape. Outside the window the alarms were going off. Remus came back biting a bit off tape from a roll. Sirius used it to stick the hair to the sticky hand. He put the glasses with the hairy hand on top on James. Then he brought the clocks back in and set James's to go off in a minute. In the meantime he and Remus just stood there waiting and watching, watching and waiting...

RRRRRRRRRIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGG!

James's clock began to hop around as if haunted. His hand flew out and knocked it off the table, another good way of turning it off because it broke. His other hand went to his eyes.

"HUUUUUUH!" he cried, bolting upwards. He tore off the specs and flung them across the room. They hit a wall and broke. Sirius's hands flew to his mouth and Remus's hands flew to his cheeks.

By then James had realised that he had been put up to some sort of joke.

"What was that?"

"Just a sticky hand, some of your hair and some tape," said Sirius.

"Where are my glasses? I can't find my glasses." He knocked his hairbrush, a mug with some water, an inkwell, a lamp and more off his table, fumbling after his glasses.

"Well you broke them just now didn't you?"

James sat up even more. For a legally blind chap he sure had no idea where to look.

" _I_ BROKE THEM?!" He yelled at his troll face jug.

"Yes when you threw them at the wall just now."

"We're so sorry!" said Remus.

"What did you make me do that for?!" James kept on yelling. "You know I really need those!"  
"You said think of something new," Sirius replied. "We didn't mean for them to break!"  
"Oh didn't you? NEWSFLASH, DIMWITS! GLASS BREAKS!

Sirius had to say he found this reaction highly exaggerated.

"Can't you just reparo them? Or take them to a reparo man?"

"Some things can't just be reparod! Like our friendship!"  
"Our friendship is stronger than glass."

"When I said think of something knew, I didn't mean make me get a prescription of something new!"

"We really are sorry about your glasses breaking," said Remus.

"You mentioned that. Yet weirdly enough, no matter how many times _you_ say it, it's like there is _still_ somebody in here that hasn't said it!"

"We will try to fix them."

"Well good luck. They are super magical so if you think you can just go reparo you can guess again."

"Don't you have some other pair you can use in the meantime?"

"What you mean in here?" James opened his top drawer, where a single sock lied in soapy water. "They're not any good."

"Maybe it was the second drawer."

"This is the second drawer!" He shut it, splash. And opened the second drawer. It was overflowing with glasses of all shapes, sizes and purposes.

"You have lots of pairs! What about these ones?"

"No. Those are my reading glasses."

"These ones?"

"I wear those on my head when I can't find my glasses."

"Ok. These ones?"

"Quidditch glasses."

"These?"

"Night vision glasses."

"These are cool!" said Remus about a pair that said: ZOOM. "Are they for when you do your-"

"Yes. Exactly. I wear them in the bath."

Remus selected a pair of snorkling goggles, "And these?"

"I wear those to weddings."

"That's smart. I hear people get teary eyed."

"Teary eyed? I got these, in the event I'll ever have to dice an onion," He dug up a corkscrew opener.

He also owned a pair of very ornate scissors-glasses, lorgnettes, spruce inuit-style snow goggles and yellow shutter shades. Remus found a teaball among them.

"Teashades?"

"These are my tea drinking glasses," James dug up a pair with enormous antlers on the frames, nearly having Remus's eye out. "I am partial to horn-rims. I think these might be my beatnik glasses." They looked the part, because they were spectacles with boxing gloves on springs. "Not just limited to blokes called Nick, 'though, _Padfoot!"_

Sirius had, during the tour of James's spectacles drawer, finished brushing his teeth, brushed his hair and painted his nails black with insta-dry polish. Now he pulled a jumper over his head and came back.

"I have some good news and some bad news."  
"Is the good news that you are getting headlice _and_ acne?"

"The bad news is that you're not getting thirteen potatoes after all."

"WHAT?!"

"The good news is that you have gotten presents! Stay where you are! Don't go anywhere!"  
"Can you come here for a second?"

"No."

The good news was that the Yule Lads tended to deliver very useful presents. It was like they knew what the chaps were going to need before they even needed it. A pair of gold pince-nez glimmered on James's giant potato toblerone. Sirius held them before his own eyes. A sharp pain cut through his head like a knife, everything quadrupled in size and closed in on him, making him feel physically steamrolled. His eyes were on fire! On his nose bridge the pince-nez seemed to weigh a ton. He pushed them off like he was pushing through a storm.

"They should be your strength," he panted and collapsed on the delivery.

James took them and felt them.

"Very small. No temples." He put them aside for now.

He was still mad at Sirius, and he could tell he was near because somebody was snooping in his glasses drawer and he didn't smell the bubblegum as strongly. He grabbed his arm, pulled him down and had him in a headlock.

"I will get you for this!"

"Please no need to get me anything!"

He pulled his hair HARD! Sirius squealed.

"ONION GLASSES!"

"Do I detect pain _and_ a will to submit?"

"I don't yet have a will to submit but if you give me time!"

"You think you're so witty!"  
"In the event of my untimely death I want all my belongings to go to the cat shelter in West Monster, and for a fund to be set up in my name to abolish castration!"

"SAY YOU'RE SORRY!"

"FINE I'M SORRY!"

James let him go. Sirius had to go and brush his hair again.

"When is the Spells & Curses thing?" Remus asked.

"At eleven," said James. "And I will have to swing by the eye healer before that."

He tried the pince-nez and his vision returned to him. McGonagall wore pince-nez. James figured he had to look like a young Father Christmas in them. He further figured that there was only a matter of time before they made that movie.

"It will have to do. Guys did you dress up?"

"No," said Sirius.

"So you aren't wearing red devil horns, and Moony doesn't have a gold ring hovering over his head? And you're not on fire, and he isn't glowing? And your forehead doesn't say NAUGHTY, and his forehead doesn't say NICE? Like the second part of your little joke was to dress up as my shoulder angels for some reason?"

"We really aren't."

"Then could it be a feature of these glasses? Are they auror glasses?"

"Can't be. Auror glasses say: GUILTY and NOT GUILTY."  
"Those are judge's glasses. Auror glasses say SUICIDE and IT WASN'T SUICIDE."

"Those are forensic glasses. Auror glasses say MURDERER and NOT THE MURDERER."

"You in those glasses. It gave me an idea for ten movies."

All they were missing was a BIG BAD and then they could start writing the books first.

XXXXX

Professor McGonagall gave James permission to see his eye healer in Diagon Alley, as well as the entire day off. The eye healer told him that his new glasses wouldn't be finished until after New Years. The director of Spells & Curses told him that while his script was a definite improvement on the original, it simply took too many liberties.

As extras, James, Sirius, Remus and Peter got to play nameless cousins at the big yule feast, they got to play patients and visitors at the Heart & Soul Clinic, and they even landed smaller roles as Mean Bully 1, 2, 3 (Peter not included this time) to Doctor Heartloud's artistic son with terminal amnesia.

"Well that was fun wasn't it?" said James after the wrap-up.

"Have you been in many episodes?" Sirius asked Ravenclaw peer Roy.

"Four episodes so far!" Roy replied, beaming like a white giant (type of really bright star.) "I landed the part of Geoff Heartloud, the chap with terminal amnesia, earlier this year! But dabbling acting and school work is not easy. This is where I've been going, every month... My terrible secret is out. Ok see you at the ballet guys!"  
Roy and his chum Phil hopped in the nearest trans-national floo station.

"Ugh! Not the ballet!" Sirius moaned. "I don't want to see that!"

"What do you want to do then?" James asked.

"Watercolour studies."

" _Watercolour studies?"_

"I thought you might not be into that."

"You have to do watercolour studies _now?_ I really want to see the ballet!"  
"Fine. Then you go see the ballet and I will do my watercolour studies."

"Are you serious?"

"Have we met?"

"You're not just pissy with me because I was pissy at you before, are you?"

"That's exactly what this is about! I didn't mean to break your glasses yet you acted like I did! Like you really believe me to be capable of such a thing! All I wanted was to play a small joke on you, not to make you blind! Oh! And then you said that _thing!_ "Our friendship is broken!" or something!"  
"I never said: "Our friendship is broken."

"You said it with your heart. And mouth. You want to give me headlice, you want to give me acne. You said: "Some things cannot be reparod. Like our friendship."

"Well you said our friendship is stronger than glass, remember?"

"Stronger than glass maybe. But not stronger than hurt."

And with that, Sirius parted with the other chaps and hopped in the trans-national floo station.

"What a twat!" said James.

"Well," said Remus. "Words can hurt."

"No they can't!"  
"What if he had said those things to you?"

"Now that is something I am going to have to imagine!"  
James imagined it. "Ooof! That _did_ hurt!"

XXXXX

The Great Hall had been turned into a theatre with the dais at the end serving as the stage. The benches were filling up.

Crunch. Pop. Scribble. Crunch. Pop. Scribble. That was Remus, popping bubblegum, cracking a crack-a-tooth and giving the spring term a very early start. He had received a three-pack of crack-a-tooth nuts in his shoe the other day.

James squeezed between the benches until he found him.

"Hoho this is going to be awesome!" he said when he had sat down to exchange sweets.

"Rollo?"

"Rolo?"

The already dim lights went out entirely. The school orchestra began to play. It was quite nice actually, the music. The curtains parted. The opening scene was set at a yule celebration. Thud thud thud. The cast of ballet dancers hopped around on their toes in front of a large Christmas tree.

James looked around for late arrivals. The doors were closed and the benches were no longer filling up.

"Just where is Padfoot? He's not _really_ missing out on this, is he? I just hope he comes really soon! I don't want him to miss this!"  
"Must be those watercolour studies." Crunch. Pop. No magic allowed. Neither was bubblegum, but Sprout couldn't see it in the dark or hear it over the music.

"Be honest. This is boring."

"I guess it's not The Met. I've only ever listened to this on record so I can't wait to see what the Bubblegum Fairy looks like!"

"I haven't listened to this on record and even _I_ know it's the Sugarplum Fairy."

Crunch. Pop.

"Sorry what? Did you say something?"

"Only that very soon, this is going to be awesome!"

"When the Bubblegum Fairy arrives! Yeah!"

"I hope for your sake that the Bubblegum Fairy arrives before the bit I have in store for us all!"

"What bit do you have in store for us all?"

James was already laughing at the bit he had in store for them all.

"It's going to be so embarrassing and funny!"

"What is?"

"I don't want to ruin the surprise."

"I've had more than my share of suprises."

"Well ok then! Let's just saaay that I received some high quality flying balm in my shoe..."

Crunch.

"Let's not _just_ say that."

"The rest is pretty obvious! You know the mask Padfoot was going to stick bricks in? Let's just saaay that Billy Elliot will need some bricks on his toes! He's going to fly around like a balloon to this poncy music! It's going to be _so funny!_

It already was!

"Oh no..," Remus sighed.

James didn't understand. "What now?"

Did the shell not crack in perfect halves?

"You didn't!"

James did not understand the reproachful tone! A Christmas soil cake, a sheep in make-up and his specs broken was all fine but not a bit of flying balm to ease everyone's boredom? The kindest act in that particular list!

It was because he wasn't Sirius, wasn't it!

"Oh I'm sorry! I know you really wanted to see the Nutcracker but this is hardly the place to enjoy it, is it?"

"That was Padfoot's mask you put flying balm on! He was promoted to lead actor. He does a bit of ballet."

"...Wha'?"

"He was going to take it off and go SURPRISE! at the end. Now see, this is why surprises are dangerous!"

Oh bollocks.

"Ok be right back!"

James squeezed between knees and backs. One chap had a bucket of eggs in his lap. James took the bucket and flipped it over that guy's head.

"Show some class it's the ballet!"

That guy grabbed him by the arm, and would have also grabbed him by the throat, had Sprout not intervened and told them to sit down and be quiet. James sat down at the end of the bench and couldn't get away until somebody's wand light attracted Sprout like something something.

XXXXX

A petite grade 5 ballerina witch in a frilly tutu and tiara entered the stage in the final scene of act 1(Yes! There were _two acts!)_ together with the masked Nutcracker.

The ballerina was very graceful and light on her feet. The Nutcracker was also very light on his feet. Very light on his feet. Very light. Very, very light. A bit too light as a matter of fact. He could stand to be a little less light. He was so light his toes lost contact with the floor. He was drifting off like a balloon, while the ballerina remained on the floor, clueless of what to do.

The Great Hall was ringing with laughter when the ribbon on the nutcracker mask got entangled in the tinsel on the Christmas tree and the sideburns caught fire in the chandelier. Nobody threw the compost they had brought because their stomachs hurt too much.

A string of red jelly lashed out from behind the back curtain, ensnared the Nutcracker at the waist and pulled him backstage.

Then he came out again, no longer flying around. The top of the mask had been sawed off and he was wearing a pink tutu over white tights with a 1970 Quidditch Cup jumper.

"That was me!" he yelled between mock-ballet moves.

Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Grand jete.

"That was me before! Look at me! _Rrrrut ru-ru-ru-ruuu-ruuu rut rut rut! DING DE-DIN-DIN-DIN-DIN-DIN-DIN!"_

James even managed to blast The Nutrocker through the speakers, loudly, over the orchestra. Then he took off the mask. Mrs Ruiskova stepped in and pulled him out by the ear. The orchestra picked up again. The ballerina and the Nutcracker returned to the stage, the latter clearly being pushed out there against his will.

Sirius knew that most of the audience had entered the Great Hall bored with the intent of remaining bored. It had been his narcissistic fantasy to wow them so profoundly they'd forget to be bored.

But that wasn't going to happen now, not after James's act of ballet terrorism. That had simply been so fun that the ballet was going to seem more boring than ever after it.

So Sirius was torn between two acts of self-humiliation he could make. He could either put up an act that he was intent on ruining the ballet by being purposefully crap at it. But that joke was old now. Or he could take it very seriously, be as boring as he possibly could and take the boos and the compost.

XXXXX

James woke up to find the Great Hall empty. He ran to the dorm, just in time to catch Sirius come out of the shower.

"It really wasn't so boring!" He suppressed a yawn. "It wasn't! The clothes were pretty. The music was nice. I don't understand what their problem was. The two hours for which you did grand jetes flew by! Those were pieces of music I really wanted to hear more than twice! But when it stopped I felt it only enhanced your performance, because music can be so distracting!"

Sirius dried his hair with a towel and threw it on the floor.

"I'm not so crazy about the ballet either. It's more fun to do than to watch. If you've seen one, you've seen them all." He sighed. "In my fantasy, I was going to be so fantastic. My father, in the audience. He was going to stand up, tears in his eyes. 'That's my son! I am so proud of you! You don't have to study law at university if you don't want to! Follow your dreams! I am a miner!' "

"Is your dad from Yorkshire?"

"I'm constantly trying to unveil my mum's dirty secrets. If she's really my mum like she doesn't claim..."

"Yes?"

"I'm still trying to work out that other half."

"Oh, that old crocodile. I want to dance but my conservative father disapproves."

"Oh I know. I want to have a pulse but my conservative father disapproves! I would rather have taken courses in tap dancing, but my conservative father doesn't think it's enough torture in it."

"I'm feeling very stiff," said Peter.

Sirius swivelled around.

"Where's Moony?"

"I don't know," said James, already unrolling the map. "He was gone when I woke up. I mean...I don't know. Let's find out. Looks like he's just outside! And he brought Fletcher."

There was a knock on the door. Why was Remus knocking?

"Come in?"

Fletcher came inside, only Fletcher. He was already dressed to go home.

"That was some show, wasn't it? I thought it was going to be boring but it was so funny for a while there! You know how some people say that Shakespeare is actually quite funny but what they neglect to mention is that he really isn't? Maybe it's like that with Tchaikovsky! I had no idea he was so humorous! But then I fell asleep and when I woke up somebody had nicked my compost that I was taking to the greenhouse after the show! Anyway, I just came to return this because I think it belongs here."

He returned a pack of two crack-a-tooth nuts and a small nutcracker with bubblegum in the mouth. Fletcher swore it had been like that when he found it.


	23. Chapter 23

SILENT HEIST

23 DECEMBER SATURDAY

In Diagon Alley, James and Sirius lived but a stone's throw from each other, if it took an hour to throw it. Sirius lived in Eerie Swings, West Monster, a countryside area of posh manors populated by dark wizards. James lived in Lush Apples, Wizrovia, a countryside area of posh manors populated by the sort of people that didn't like to talk about their darker past very much.

Sirius dangled from a bedsheet ladder he had tied to the bed in his room at the Manoir Noir. His toes touched ground and he let go, ploughed through the garden and through the gates. He followed the road for a bit before hopping over a ditch and into the forest, where he made himself a small fire to chuck some floo powder in.

It took an hour to just scrape together some wet branches and make them catch fire. But within less than an hour, Sirius was already standing outside the white gates to Earthenware.

James always acted so middleclass but there was nothing middleclass about this.

"Heeeeeyyy!" There was James now, running down the road with his fluffy little afghan Winner unleashed.

It was as if they hadn't last seen eachother yesterday, yet meeting outside of Hogwarts made it feel that way.

James stopped at the gates and his fluffy little dog leapt into his arms. He opened the gates.

"I have the flat to myself!"

"Um do you not know what a flat is?"

"I was supposed to help the soup kitchen. But I told my mum it was my holiday assignment to observe the effects of the winter solstice on the local snow dwelling flora. That worked better than the thermometer in the hot tea. The healers still give me lollipops."

They entered the humble Edwardian manor, got out of their winter garments and warmed themselves with some tea and sandwiches in the kitchen. Sirius whipped out the nutcracker.

"I hope the postcard we sent his mum got there," said James. "Should we make a phone call, just to be safe?"

He got off his chair. The kitchen wall had a phone. He picked up the receiver and dialled.

"Zzzzzzt. Chkchkchkchkchk. Zzzzzzzt..."

"What are you doing?"

"An impression of a telephone." Finished dialling, he waited and listened. "Busy signal. _This number...does not exist._ BOO BAA BEEP! Do phones do this in now-times?"

"This is why most wizards don't use phones. Because nobody knows how they behave in now-times."

" _Please leave a message."_ James hung up. "We can try again later. _And the operator says forty cents more!"_

He returned to the chair and tea. He gave the nutcracker a spin.

"Right then. Any ideas?"

"I have no idea what Moony was trying to do. Mrs Ruiskova actually told us all about the Curse of the Rat Witch. It went like this: In medieval Germany, the Rat Witch turned a lesser princess of the House of Pirlipat into a nutcacker. The Queen of Pirlipat sought advice with a prophet, who said:

 _ONLY HE WHO HASN'T SHAVED OR WORN BOOTS SINCE BIRTH MAY FIND THE CRACK-A-TOOTH, CRACK THE CRACK-A-TOOTH AND DELIVER THE CRACK-A-TOOTH TO THE CURSED ONE, BLINDFOLDED, AND AFTERWARDS HE MUST TAKE SEVEN STEPS BACK FOR ONLY HE WHO DOESN'T STUMBLE ON THE SEVENTH STEP MAY NOT BE TURNED INTO A NUTCRACKER IN RETURN."_

"Right. Did you say: he who hasn't shaved or worn boots since birth?"

"Yes. I didn't just throw that in to be whimsical."

"Well I have never shaved..."

"Neither have I."

"When you say boots, do you mean wellies?"

"Probably all boots are included in that."

"Well who hasn't ever worn boots?"

"Jesus."

"What was Moony doing, cracking this nut and giving it to Wormtail? All he wears is boots!"  
"And all he shaves is does!"

They sighed in perfect unison.

"Maybe he didn't know that story," James thought. "But thankfully we do. So, to recap: we are looking for somebody who hasn't worn boots or shaved."

Winner hopped up in James's lap. James made a suggestive face with brows.

"I put it to you!" said Sirius. "Can that labradoodle crack a nut and count to seven?"

"He's never worn boots or shaved."

"Don't you think it counts if a vet has shaved him?"

Shrug. "I guess that would rule out all vets and barbers." James shook his head at the entire mystery. "He must have known! We know he didn't crack the nut wrong, so it only remains that he must have stumbled on the seventh step!"  
Sirius gave a slow, pensive nod.

"Wait now... I think I know... But that still doesn't explain..."

"Just say it! We can explain it later!"  
"Who has never worn boots or shaved?"

"Yes. Exactly. I don't know. This is what we must ask ourselves. Who has never worn boots or shaved? Listen mate, I know what you're thinking. But we don't know for a fact that Dumbledore has never worn boots or shaved."

"Shishi! The Kappa! Shishi has never worn boots or shaved!"

They immediately knew this to be the correct explanation.

"But then," said James, "how come Shishi didn't become a nutcracker?"

"For this to work at all, it must have happened in this way: Shishi gave the nut to Wormtail and took seven steps back, stumbling on the final step for some reason. This unleashed beams of magic, or something. And these beams reflected off Shishi's highly reflective being. I mean think about it, he is wet, shiny and scaly."

Whether or not that was how it had happened, that was how the chaps needed to go about it. They needed Shishi.

"We will get Shishi," said James. "Prevent all stumbling risks. Make him not-reflective, optional. What is important is that he doesn't stumble."

"Good plan. Question. Where is Shishi?"

"He is not gone because I remember him."

Sirius picked up the nutcracker and made his voice a little higher.

"Oh, Shishi! Come here Shishi! Who wants sushi? Who wants to listen to Plastic Ono Band? _Yuyeboyubiyubi, nunanu-woah-woah-woah-woah..."_

That was the song frequently referred to as _Sukiyaki._

" _He-tory, cappucino yoghurt..."_

Crack and noises. Sirius's back became a scratch post to a vicious amphibian. Sirius gave him the nutcracker. Shishi took it with him to the sink, turned on the faucet and began splashing around.

The chaps had never realised just how vicious-looking he really was, with his large vicious mouth filled with razorsharp vicious shark teeth, his large vicious eyes. He looked like the consequence of giving The One Ring To Rule Them All to a werewolf.

In his splashing delight, Shishi accidentally splashed the nutcracker from the sink. Sirius snagged it.

"Maybe there's a better option," James hoped.

"There is another way," said Sirius.

"Ok what is it?"

"It's this." Sirius faced the nutcracker. "I don't care that you're face is big and your beard is ugly! I will marry you!"  
And just when they thought nothing was going to happen, nothing did.

"That does sometimes work apparently."

"As far as I know, same-sex marriages haven't been made legal."

Shishi was making a right mess with the splashing of water, smashing of dishes and doing inappropriate things with the steel wool. James had an anxious fantasy of his parents coming home earlier than planned.

"Where can we try the plan?" Sirius asked. "How big is your biggest bath?"

"Not the bath! What if he slips? And besides..."

Shishi was small and didn't need a lot of backing space. But all stumbling risks needed to be eliminated at all costs.

"Let's do it in the hall there. It's long, carpeted. He can't slip!"

They finished their tea and entered the hall outside the kitchen. There were some vases and plants on tables by the walls, but nothing that could potentially trip Shishi.

Shishi was still splashing around in the sink, making a right puddle of water and broken china, but at least he had enough manners to turn off the faucet. James called after him.

"Come here Shishi!"  
And lo, Shishi did get out of the sink and came jumping into the hall. It was as if he knew what this was all about.

"Ok Shishi listen," said James, and had in his hands the nutcracker and a packet of ready-to-administer crack-a-tooth nuts with only two remaining, "There are only two of these nuts left. Take this one and the nutcracker. Crack the nut with the nutcracker and take seven steps back without stumbling. Got that?"

" _Hai!"_ said Shishi.

"Hi. So can you do that?"

" _Hai!"_

"Hello. So, crack this nut, and take seven steps back without stumbling. That's all. No stumbly. Ok?"

" _Hai!"_

"How do you do. So, this nut, you see-"

" _Hai!"_

This was going to take some time, wasn't it?

"Because you have never worn boots or shaved-"

Shishi snatched the nut and nutcracker and cracked it flawlessly, the final shell layer coming off in perfect halves and the nut remaining intact in the nutcracker. Shishi began to take seven steps back.

Winner came running in with a chew toy in his mouth, dropping it behind Shishi just as he was taking his seventh step.

"WINNER NOOO!" James cried.

Shishi tripped. The nutcracker emitted magic beams that reflected off the water in Shishi's head-bowl, and then off James's pince-nez. The beams hit Sirius square in the chest and he popped into a nutcracker.

Remus sat up, looking around at all the ancestral paintings on the wall.

"Is this Hogwarts?"

"This is where I live," said James, coming over with nutcracker- Sirius in his hands to help Remus to his feet. "Do you only have one nut left now?"

Remus saw the nutcracker. "I guess so."

James felt so frustrated.

"Shishi wasn't supposed to stumble on the seventh step! Is it a thing? Is it deeply embedded in the Partypill curse that it will be next to impossible to not stumble on the seventh step because ancient magic is going to conspire against it?"

"What day is it?"

"Saturday.

"The...?"

"23rd."

"Of?"

"December!"  
"...Year?"

"The year is 2018 and we were cryogenically frozen and turned into flying robots! Beep, beep, beep! We look great for 58, don't we?"

Remus looked at him with doubt and worry. The brown wallpaper with the bright orange crymanthesums seemed to reassure him this wasn't the future. If this was really the future there'd be a lot more tinfoil.

"The year is 1972," said James, and added sadly: "And Happy Xmas (War is over) is currently trending..."

But also, Crocodile Rock! LAAAAAAAAA! LALALALA LAAAAAAA!

But that terrible war had to stop!

"Third time's the charm?" said Remus. "Shishi has only tripped twice, right?"

"Ok third time's the charm it is! COME HERE SHISHI!"

" _Hai!"_

"Good day! Take this nut-"

"Wait!" said Remus. "Not yet!"

"Why not?"

It became cold. Really cold. Like a window had been left open. A patch of ice grew across the floor and walls, it creaked like branches breaking off trees. The lights began to flicker and go out. James tucked the nutcracker under his jumper.

"What Yule Lad is this? Ohhh I'm just fresh out of skyr and spoons to lick!"  
"It's not a Yule Lad," said Remus gravely. "It is something far, far worse."

"Worse than a Yule Lad? Piffle!"

"I thought... I thought he was gone forever..."  
"I GUESS HE WASN'T! Who?"

"His name... It brings misfortune just to mention it..."  
"Saruman?!"

"If only! This creature... It wasn't supposed to return!"  
"WHO?! Gollum?"

"No." Remus turned away, and whispered,: "The Krampus!"  
James's teeth were chattering. The cold shook him violently. Shishi's water bowl had turned into a small ice rink for snow imps.

"Maybe... it's just the Groke," James stuttered, because of the cold, not because of fear. "Let's ask her nicely to leave!"  
But not before first going upstairs to put on some extra jumpers. James was going to suggest just that. A gust of wind bit his face and seeped under his clothes. James was sure he had closed the door properly.

A strange creature stood in the entrance hall. He was so relieved it wasn't his parents!

"Hello sir! Do you need to use the phone?"

The strange creature was a tall... man with the head of a goat. He had long, curly horns that left marks in the ceiling. Gulp. He wore a long, woolly coat and carried a cage on his back and a whip of chains in his hand. His eyes were red, his grin devillish and his tongue lolled out.

The goat-man pulled the cage off his back, never once taking his devillish red eyes off James. He refused to be made nervous. He hadn't received thirteen potatoes so he had nothing to fear.

"My mum says that I must accept sweets from strange men, but I can't eat them until I've had my tea. And if you want me to follow you to a forest, I must insist you let me take my friend with me, or I shant have any pudding!" He turned to Remus, who had frost in his eyelashes. "Moony it's actually a little rude of you to have your wand out, just because a wizard has the head of a goat and his tongue is lolling out! He might just have had an accident!" He turned back to the goat-man. "Do you need a doctor? Blink once for yes, twice for no!"  
"You still have those naughty and nice glasses," said Remus.

"Yes and I will until my eye-healer comes back from her holiday."

"Do you get a reading on the... guest?"  
"I will give it a go. But very few people say NAUGHTY or NICE. Most people just say NEITHER or BOTH or DEPENDS."

"What does it say on him?"

"It saaaays... THE KRAMPUS. I think that means revenge in German."

The Krampus lashed his chain and began to whip up a proper storm. He lashed it at Winner, who ran whimpering up the stairs.

Shishi had more to offer in ways of loyalty. He hopped up on the Krampus's back and began to bite at him. The Krampus reached back, tore Shishi off his woolly coat and flung him through a window.

"SHISHI!" Remus cried, running after him.

The Krampus lashed his chain and trapped Remus in a snowy tornado that took him away from Earthenware, Lush Apples, Wizrovia and even Diagon Alley.

James wasn't alone with the Krampus for very long.


	24. Chapter 24

SILENT HEIST

24 DECEMBER SUNDAY

James couldn't believe his luck! He was at a giant fairground! The machinery of the roller coaster, drop tower and ferris wheel, music to his ears! The carousel music mixing with unrecent hits, also music to his ears! A fair ground under a light dusting of snow. James was simply too excited right now to notice that he was freezing a little.

But he was alone. Until Remus found him.

"I found you!" he said.

"Let's have a go in the roller coaster!"  
"But don't you have a feeling? In your head? That is weird?"

"Can't say I do..."

James puffed on a Cuban and it made him a little warmer. Then he noticed that, hey, he had a Cuban!

"A Cuban! How and when did that get in my hand?" He puffed on it some more. "You also have one! Did YOU sneak me this?"

"No!" Remus looked at his own Cuban with horror and threw it away.

James's inexperienced cigar puffing gave him an intense coughing fit and a green skin tone in the face.

"It needs to be experienced to be described," he said when he could speak.

"Does it?"

"No! What happened to yours? Did you finish it already?"

"I wasn't that interested."

"Not that interested? Don't you care about looking cool at all?"

Remus smiled sweetly

"But there's only you here."

How sweet. Or offensive.

"Oh I see." James reached inside his jumper and took out the nutcracker, giving it a voice: " _Do eeet!"_

A new cigar had found its way to Remus's hand. He freaked like it was a spider, except a spider wouldn't have freaked him, and he flicked it at a toblerone of tin cans, knocking them all down.

"I will finish my beer and then we can go and look at the prizes!" said James, sipping on a beer glass that had found its way into his other hand. "Woah! Beer! Where did we get all the cigars and beer? What is this place? Did we die and go to heaven?"

Remus clutched his head.

"If this is heaven how come I have a headache? I need an aspirin."

He searched his side, as if for something that was normally there, but wasn't there now.

"I think there might be an aspirin in your beer!" said James.

Both of them looked in their beer glasses, and would they believe it, there was a small white pill at the bottom of each of them. And to get the aspirin, they needed to down the lot, which they did.

An elf in peasant robes, bearded and barefoot, came towards them, looking very distressed.

"A Yule Lad!" James exclaimed. "Biffurboffur, correct?"

"This place, it isn't safe!" said the Yule Lad. "I was hit. Uuugghhh," He clutched his side and swayed a little. "Does this remind you of Pleasure Island from Pinocchio? Well this isn't Pleasure Island. This is Krampus Land. It has... it has reopened. Uuuughhh!"  
He swayed a little more.

"You're the Yule Lad who licks spoons!" James recalled.

"Don't be beastist. I'm the Yule Lad who put leftovers everywhere."

"I thought you were the Yule Lad who licked bowls," said Remus.

"... Oh yeah. Exactly. We talked, you showed me I had been a hypocrite all my life, and I was going to find me a native boyfriend somewhere. But they found me. The Yule Lads found me. And they found you as well. They blame you. That bowl... Ohh that bowl...An authentic Art Nouveu Earthenware piece..." Warm sentimentality glazed his reminiscing eyes.

Remus nodded. The bowl where Sprout arranged her hyacinths was a very nice bowl. The Yule Lad woke up from his daydream.

"You have to leave, before he finds you! Krampus Land is a very strange place. A bit like a dream, it fogs up the brain. And before you know it..."

Somewhere in the back of Remus's head, something that wasn't migraine made itself known. Something tried to articulate itself. He had the nut, James had the nutcracker.

"Someone..Who's never shaved a boot... and then worn it on the beard..."

"I'm such an idiot!" said James. "This whole time...! I've never shaved a boot, and then worn it on a beard!"  
"Me neither!"

The Yule Lad snatched both items.

"I get this request ALL the time, because my beard is long and my feet are bare." CRUNCH. "There you are!"

He trotted back seven steps, and no stumbly! The air was filled with magical tingling chimes and and ambient strings when the nutcracker, with great elegance and grace, transformed back into Sirius, a process that for some reason involved him hovering mid-air wearing only pink ribbons for half a minute.

Confusion befell him as soon as he landed on his arse after a complete transformation, like it often befell the reverse-transformed. He saw that he had a Cuban in one hand and a beer in the other and began to wander off.

James and Remus were so foggy in the head that when it occurred to them to call after him, they discovered that their ears were long and woolly! James felt his face and butt and shrieked.

"We are becoming asses!"

Remus looked horrified.

"That wasn't aspirin, was it?"

"I GUESS IT WAS ASS-PIRIN!"

A pack of Yule Lads appeared, taking James and Remus with them. Whatever came of the Yule Lad Bowl-Licker they'd never know.

XXXXX

Sirius had wandered inside a tent fogged up with smoke and in there he had found a snooker table and a flask of Bells. The latter had made him throw up on the snooker table. After that he didn't particularly want to remain in the tent to smell his own sick.

So he wound up on the Spooky Train.

The Spooky Train was chuffing through the tunnels and Sirius was bored silly by the obviously fake vampires that sparkled worse than Gary Glitter and the obviously fake werewolves that weren't remotedly tufted looking. He knew they were nothing more than the product of the latest golem technology.

" _Heeelp! Heeelp! I'm being eaten!"_ cried a child's voice somewhere beyond the tunnel.

"Oh boo, children's screams, I'm _soooo_ scared..."

He should have realised he was too old for this, but he had hoped it would be warmer here.

The train was making a u-turn and Sirius hopped off and continued by foot past the NO TRESPASSING sign, to the end of the tunnel in a vast open space under the ground.

Steps led up to a great platform, and seated on top of the platform was a jacuzzy, a spit roast, a fiery mirror and a lift. There was nobody else to be seen. Sirius greatly longed for a hot bath and ran up the steps.

Deep under the bubbling water, a body was slowly drifting further away. An asses body. It annoyed Sirius that an ass had got in the jacuzzy and drowned. He didn't want to share bathwater with an ass!

He reached in and wetted down the top half of his body pulling out the ass with the pince-nez.

Pince-nez, there was just something about those pince-nez that seemed to trigger a very distant fog horn somewhere. Something about those pince-nez made Sirius want to stick two fingers up the asses' nose, and his wand down its throat and set it to Blowdry.

The ass began to cough water and a white pill came out with it. Pop. The ass turned into James. He coughed some more.

"Hooo it's soo coold!" he shuddered.

"It's ok I got you!" said Sirius and set his wand to Blowdry Blastus.

"Cheers now I am warm and dry."

"Good."

"You may take your fingers out of my nose now."

Sirius did so, and went on to blowdry himself.

"What is this place?"

James felt his ears and butt. The ears were his, as was his ass.

"This is Krampus Land. How much do you know about Krampus and Krampus Land?"

"Absolutely nothing."

"Then I better give you a recap. When you and I pissed off the Yule Lads, they decided to wake the Krampus and reopen Krampus Land. These are the four Krampus Land punishments: the jacuzzy, the spitroast, the fiery mirror and the lift. The Yule Lads thought they'd use us to see if they still work."

"Heeeeeelp!" cried Peter from the spit roast. "I'm being coooked! They are going to eat me!"

James put out the fire and untied Peter.

"Who were they eating before?" Sirius asked.

"What are you talking about?"

"I heard somebody scream about being eaten not ten days ago."

"I didn't hear anything. Did you, Wormtail?"

Peter blushed and looked at his shoes.

"I thought... If I said that, help would arrive sooner."

"As long as it wasn't you, Prongs," said Sirius. "But then, you were under water."

"You insult me!" said James. "I would never scream for help!"

Sirius had a look at the firey mirror. Mmmm warm.

"So where then is... I'm guessing the fiery mirror has the devil put aside for me?"

"Sorry what?"

"For me?"

"Come again?"

"FOR MEEEEEEE?!"

Deaf as a post!

"Sorry," said James, shaking water from his ears. "You'd think that, wouldn't you? That you would go to hell? No. You were supposed to go in the lift. Moony went to hell."

"But how can that be when I'm even naughtier!"

"You may be naughtier, but you're not werewolfier."

"That really depends on what you include in that."

"Werewolves. So you guessed that the mirror goes to hell. Good thing the Yule Lads think they are looking for a nutcracker. That's going to give us some time."

"Awesome. Some time is all we need, no more than that."

"I like your confidence."

"When I first met you, I thought: That chap, his confidence, I like."

The fire in the mirror began to whip up. The flames reached out. Thet chaps jumped out of their grab, their faces feeling very hot. The mirror crunched and roared like a thousand wildfires. A distant voice grew louder.

" _PIE JESU SANCTUM DOMINO CAPRICCIOSA PROSCIUTTO PATER NOSTER!"  
_ Remus came flying out of the mirror, bits of him aflame. James and Sirius helped slap them out.

"Was it easy, getting out of hell?" James asked.

"I converted to Christianity beforehand."

"You converted to Christianity? What is your Jewish mum going to say when she hears of that!"

"I will convert back as soon as possible. There is a count in East Mead who used to be an ordained priest. Well, still is."

They really had to get out of this underground cave asap.

"And find the Krampus!" said James, running down the steps. "And kill the Krampus! Ok! Who's with me? Put it here!"  
He turned around and put out his butt so Sirius could high-five it. When they had high-fived each other's butts, they sat down on the bottom step and waited.

"Wait!" said James and summoned popcorn. "Ok I'm ready now. You can start now, Moony.

"Start what?" Remus asked.

"We're going to kill a the Krampus. There's probably lots of background, conditions and prophecies that we need to know about. Doesn't matter where you got the information, be it from Dumbledore, Hogwarts- A Horrible History, Hogwarts- A Technical Manual... Everything you know abou the Krampus, just lay it on me now! I am ready!" Popcorn-crunch.

"Popcorn implies this is going to be suspenseful and entertaining," Sirius pointed out, but had some popcorn nevertheless, "Something I highly doubt, all disrespect."

"Popcorn implies that I think we are going to need popcorn. This could take a while."

"Whenever you want me to bore you, just say the word," said Remus.

"I already said I was ready, SHEESH!" said James.

"Remember that Sir Nick, the house ghost who looks uncannily like John Cleese, wrote a series of novels called Fierce Creatures about his adventurous youth at a magic zoo?"

"Nope."

"And then they were made into a bunch of movies?"

"Oh yeah!"

"One of them features a the Krampus very heavily. This is the backstory, are you ready for it?"

"Honestly just go for it," said Sirius. "This is great practice, in case we're ever caught by dark wizards and are forced to listen to their long expositions. Please make it as long and boring as you can."

And just to make use of the listening-time, James and Sirius thought they'd back-tie eachother and try to untie themselves for the duration of the backstory.

"And people say we're all breakfast cereal!" said James.

"It's all brawn and no brain, not all-bran and no grain," said Sirius.

At last they were ready to listen now. Remus had strained the backstory for everything not terribly revelant in the meantime.

"Ok here is the backstory now. Back in the Third Age of Wizards, the Rat Witch of Pirlipat was getting really sick of pesky kids trespassing on her lawn. So she created the Krampus and Krampus Land. For a long time people were really scared. It wasn't until some hundred years ago that it was decided that the Krampus was to be bound and chained to a ship circling the arctic ocean. The captain of the ship, a kobolt, was supposed to watch over it. Only the Order of the Beat the Krampus knew about this. This order included a Yule Lad called Meat-Hook. Now today, because the Yule Lads think it's our fault one of them decided to leave them for a native boyfriend somewhere, they deciced to open Krampus Land."

"YES!" James flew up, his hands untied. "Now please, do tell me all about the sword!"

"Which sword?"

"The one I need to beat the Krampus!"  
"There is no such sword. The Krampus was chained to the ship because there was no way to destroy it, not until the Age of the Prophets."

"What's the Age of Prophets?"

"It is a type of pizza."

"I didn't even know you knew what sarcasm was."

"Prophecy writing was discovered during the Age of the Prophets."

"And after that, sword? Age of swords?"

"Ok I've untied myself now," said Sirius, shaking off rope. "So to recap, yes, the Krampus can be destroyed. Awesome. Let's go."

"Excuse me?" said Remus.

"Yes what is it?"

"Have you not worn boots? Have you not shaved? _For only he who has never shaved and worn boots maye slice the Krampus's tongue for one does not take seven steps back without wearing a blindfold."_

Oh bugger. They didn't have Shishi and there was not a helpful Yule Lad in sight. At least there were spercific instructions, which was always something.

They began to walk back through the tunnel.

"You slice off the tongue, you say?" said James. "Hm. Shishi was qualified to crack the crock pot and he's not a wizard. So it does makes me wonder... just what counts as a 'he'...?"

"Prongs," said Sirius. "I think it is time you and I... had a 'talk'."

"I've always wondered that!" said Peter.

"Anything that has never shaved or worn boots may qualify," said Remus.

"As a he?"

"Anything, you say?" James picked up a rock.

"Anything with a name, then," said Remus.

"Is that right? Because Steve here-"

"How is a smooth rock going to cut anyone's tongue off?"

"Ah! I will put a knife on it, and then throw it!"

"You only just named that Steve."

"So what?"

"It doesn't work that way, you have to mean it!"  
"I do mean it! His name is Steve!"

"You only just found that rock, you have no real relationship with it."

"It's a _he!_ Show my friend some respect!"

"You only just met."

"That's how I make friends."

HOO! HOO! The train came chuffing down the track. The chaps moved aside and positioned themselves flat against the wall, letting it pass.

They remembered that they were cold, despite their wand-heats being turned up to to ten. Continuing down the track, they passed many vicious creatures that hadn't yet been activated. Still and menacing, like in a wax museum.

"Here's a clown I would like to undress," said Sirius, already unbuttoning the straps on a pair of polkadot dungarees.

"I think I will take the cape off this vampire over here," said James. "Although I wish I could undress the fur on that yeti."  
"There's actually a werewolf in here that..." Cheeky grin.

"You would like to undress?"

"That I would like to dress, as a matter of fact. These clown dungarees, Moony, I realise you might find them too boring but it is important to keep warm. I will have the shirt. Now is not the time to worry about fashion!"

"Is that supposed to be a jab at my dress sense?" Remus asked, wrapping the dungarees around him like a cape. "Because most of my trousers are brown?"

"Are they? I can't see the base colour for all the crymanthesums."

So James wore the vampire cape, Sirius the clown shirt as a cape, and Remus the clown dungarees as a cape. Peter had yet to find something to warm him. A spooky pirate nearly gave him a heart attack.

"Why don't you take his coat?" James suggested.

Peter began to unbutton it, when something cut his hand. He winced and backed away. The pirate's georgian frock opened and a much smaller pirate stepped out.

"Yarrr!"

The chaps were so shocked.

"Captain Meat-Hook!"

(And then the clock striked midnight.)


	25. Chapter 25

SILENT HEIST

25 DECEMBER MONDAY

The Spooky Express chuffed round and round on the bumpy track in the early midnight hour. Captain Meat-Hook had finished explaining his stuff, the chaps had finished dozing off. Now they needed to process the bits they had caught by repeating them back.

"So what you're saying," said James, "is that only a whale can get me to this island, but I must be born in the sign of the periwinkle?"

"Ohhh dearrr," said Meaty. "I better take it all from the beginning, but make it shorterrr. I am one of the Yule Lads. I am also a ship's kobold."

"I thought you were an elf."

"Exactly! We kobolds are sprites that may take any form we wish! Me, I like to take the form of an elf pirate, yarrr! To see a kobold's true form is to DIE! Ohh it is a long story, so why don't you practice untying yourselves in the meantime? Oh, gone are the days or romantic piracy. What's a ship's kobold to do to adabt to the changing times? Become a radio DJ, of course. we ship's kobolds love our music, look it up."

Sirius and Remus were dozing off on each other. The Spooky Express hit a bump in the track and Sirius hit his head in the low ceiling.

"Anthenwuappened?" he slurred.

"What do you mean yarrr?"

"Was this before or after the viscount on the hippo jumped over the maypole?"

"I knew I shouldn't have turned up the heat," said Meaty. "You insulted the Yule Lads. I am one of the Yule Lads. It was also I who was put to guard the Krampus. It was me who unchained the Krampus and opened Krampus Land."

"Are you from Iceland?"

"I am sure there are many things I could clarify but do you really want that?"

"No." Sirius dozed back.

Meaty slapped the chaps across their chins with his rusty bronze hook.

"WAKE UP!"  
"Imnotanyoucantproveit!" came Remus's slurring slur.

Now that each chap was awake at last, Meaty put a torch to his own menacing face and said, menacingly:

"I'm afraid I can't let you go throught with this."

Like he had been waiting to say.

"Try and stop me!" James cried nobly. "With what?"

"Defeating the Krampus, 'course!"

"By the way, where are we?"  
"But we have all worn boots," said Sirius. "We couldn't."

"Jolly good," said Meaty. "I can take you all home on my ship, how does that sound?"

"Yes please! Well can you take me someplace nice, like Mallorca?"

"Anywhere you want!"  
"Hold on a minute!" said James. "I am coming to get that Krampus! And you can't stop me! And you're not sending my chums anywhere nice until I have!"

Sirius sloped against the wall and moped.

"N'aw."

"Oh I see," said Meaty. "Is that how it is going to be, is it, is it? Good luck finding the Krampus!"  
A snap of his fingers and Meaty was gone, for it was a feature of the kobolds that they could make themselves invisible without either cloaca or acid pop. But they needed fingers.

The train began to speed up and shoot through the tunnel until it crash-stopped through a glass wall.

The chaps used their wands to apply bandage to themselves as well as their wands.

Once they had scrambled back up they realised they were surrounded by mirrors, each of them distorting them in a comical fashion while their reflections became normal.

Remus arranged some clothing he had nicked off the dummies in a pile. scorched it and collected the ashes in a pirate hat. Then he ran off, scattering ashes all over.

"We appear to be in a labyrinth!" said James when he hit his nose in a mirror and flipped upside down. "And I know that the secret to labyrinths is always turn left!"

"Moony told you that," said Sirius.

"He must have learned it from Dumbledore!"  
"He learned it from Wizard's Antiques Road Trip."

"When Dumbledore went on a road trip!" It was a little known fact that Dumbledore had been in the antiques business.

The distorting mirrors would have slowed them down very badly indeed, had Sirius not kept a mirror in his pocket. James looked in it and flipped back up. They tried not looking in any mirrors from then on.

Which was hard, because they were in a labyrinth of distorting mirrors. Even when they were trying not to look, they kept hitting mirrors.

They were hopelessly stuck.

"Are we to just assume that the Krampus is somewhere in here?" Sirius asked.

"Yes," James replied. "I mean it is really cold, I think that's a dead give away."

"Damn!"  
"What?"

"We missed the dead give away at the ghost yule party!"

"Damn!"

"Good thing I brought this chipped tooth!" Hand over his eyes, he stabbed his own reflection with the tooth, at his wrist. "Ow!" His own corresponding wrist grew a patch of white fur. He looked in his mirror and it went away.

"I think you'd really thrive as a werewolf," said James. "You would wear the sheep skin with such poise."

Sirius thought so, too. And he would scare the locals shitless with glee.

"Now think," he said, ending that fantasy and evil laugh.

"What, _again?!"_

"Who has never shaved or worn boots? Oh?" He listened for something. "What's that, Andrew?" He reached under his jumper and pulled out his sticky hand. "You have never shaved or worn boots? Then you better take this!"  
The sticky hand pinched the tooth and closed its sticky fingers around it.

"We have a relationship, Handy Andrew and I," said Sirius.

"Insert rude euphemism here."

"I thought you wanted to."

Turning left was no good advice in this labyrinth because they kept hitting mirrors whichever way they turned. James lost patience and asked to borrow Sirius's Handy Andrew so he could attach the rock to it and fling it through all the glass. CRASH! Through there! CRASH! Through there!  
(Hey, glass breaked!)

They saw hoof prints and boot prints in the ash. CRASH! Through there!

The Krampus's long, lolling tongue was penetrating a block of ice. And inside that block of ice- GASP!- it was Remus, cryogenically frozen and being devoured like a butterfly by a crab spider. James hated that he'd be stuck with that information forever now.

He flung the sticky hand by the stone in it and sliced off the lolling tongue. The Krampus gave a demonic shriek and backed away. James expected him to collapse into a pile of dust, but he didn't. He just directed his rage at him now. James took some trembling steps back.

"Nice work, Andrew! You really are someone to me!"  
The tongue began to grow back. Without thinking about it much, James wolf-whistled. And very soon he could hear the wooshing of his Diamond Lucy. It whacked the Krampus in the back of the head and sweeped his lungs full of dust. The Krampus became so stuffed with dust his eyes popped out. The Krampus became a dust statue and that was how he came to meet his end. (This time.)

"Nice work, Diamond Lucy, you really are someone to me!"  
And that was the truth.

In the meantime Sirius had cast the _Jellify_ on the block of ice, dug through it and laid Remus on the ashy glass floor. And right now he was blasting him with the _Super Blowdry Maximum Heat._ Nuances of peach were already returning to Remus's melting cheeks.

Whoever said poodles were only good for getting perms!

Oh yeah, James said that.

"Nice work, Lassie!" said James, feeling his pockets. "Oh. I don't have any biscuits on me."

"I like Jammie Dodgers." Hint.  
"I'll look for them in the dog food aisle."

"Look for them in the biscuit aisle!"

"No sugar and wheat for you, nobody likes a fat collie!"

"Poodle."

"Poodles don't save lives they are only valued for their appearance."

Very much defrosted like an undercooked turkey, Remus's eyelids began to twitch and open. He sat up.

"We got the Krampus!" said James.

Remus coughed some snow. His eyes followed something moving.

"Tiny footprints. Over there." COUGH and point. "That way."

Something was leaving small footprints in the ash. Sirius cast Jellify at where it was putting down its feet next. This lifted the invisibility magic, revealing a jellified Meaty with his arms full of jelly-dynamites.

James scooped some jelly from the face and tasted it.

"Blackberry?"

"Blackccurrant."

It would go really well with a trifle.

XXXXX

The chaps made themselves another fire, chucked some floo powder in it and travelled to a very busy Hogwarts kitchen. There they nicked a bowl of trifle and a spoon, because they were famished and really peckish for trifle.

When Remus had lifted the nutcracker curse from Peter, and become the new nutcracker, his bag of secrets had been left behind in a very un-secret location.

But luckily enough Dumbledore had been keeping it.

"What are your plans for the day?" James asked. "The train leaves at two. It's bound to be very busy at home but I'll invite you all anyway!"

"I was going to suggest Mallorca but I'm up for whatever," said Sirius.

"I have to get un-converted," said Remus, looking at his watch. "My mum must be so worried."

"Is she a very strict Jew?"

"Worried about me."

"And your relationship with Yahweh!"

"Worried about why I haven't come home."

"To Judaism!"

"To Oldshed."

"Is that your synagogue?"

"It's ok we sent her a postcard," said James.

Then Remus realised another thing. His hands flew to his cheeks in shocked distress.

"Shishi!"

CRACK!

That was Shishi appearing in a cloud of his own putrid green gases, looking unharmed, and leaping into Remus's arms like a toy poodle.

"My mum must be so worried, too," said Sirius.

"I'm sure she is."

"Worried about how her wicked maternal abilities are percieved by other wicked mums." Sigh and groan. "I wish I was Jewish because then Christmas wouldn't matter!"

"You forget," said James, pushing up his pince-nez," that the Jews have their own Christmas and it's called hanukka!"

"Hanukka was over two weeks ago," said Remus.

"Then it's not so important that you get home _today?"_

"No. Saturnalia was two days ago."

"Saturnalia!" Sirius gasped. "But that's a Roman thing! And the Romans killed Jesus! Oh. Ok. Now it all makes sense."

"Good."

James really wanted them to play a Christmas joke before paying a visit to the Count of East Mead. So they hopped in the pipe system, collected some small vipers and took them to the staff room, which they accessed through the ventilation grid. Nobody was there, because Dumbledore was treating the entire staff to eggnog. The tradition was: eggnog first, then gingerbread house.

So the chaps stuffed the gingerbread house with vipers, had one slices too many of boozy Christmas pudding and then they really felt like wassailing.

FIN.


End file.
